I haven't posted much lately. On some level it's because I've been in survival mode, working way too much and not getting nearly enough rest. But even before that, I haven't felt like there was a ton to post about. Except for working the only thing I do with any consistency anymore is going to the gym. I have gotten to the point that I really do love lifting and working out. It's hard and it hurts but I feel so amazing when I'm done. It's an awesome feeling to be able to say "yeah, let me jump weight."
Obviously, there are lots of other changes that often go along with taking on something like regular exercise. The most obvious is weight loss. Yes, I have lost weight. About 25 pounds since the start of the summer. This past month I've been kind of at a plateau but I understand why. This has also meant getting into some old clothes (and now actually having the old clothes be too big!) and buying new clothes, which has been an interesting experience in itself. Although I'm far from what I would call "confident about my body" I am just a generally happier person with who and what I am. I am a little more comfortable in my own skin. And I'm taking more of an interest in my looks. I've been playing around with and starting to wear makeup and trying to do my hair more often. I'm actually putting thought into putting together outfits and picking out jewelry.
Another big change has been my eating. Since I'm working my tail off at the gym, I'm more motivated to be conscious of what I eat and trying to make better choices. No, I'm not on a diet. No I'm not on "a health food kick" but I am trying to be a little smarter about what I eat and why. I recognize when I'm splurging and allow myself to enjoy it but I also do my best to avoid making it a habit. On Tuesday I did something I've only ever done less than half a dozen times in my life - I ordered a salad at dinner. Several times in my life I've been willing or order one and even eat a bite or two, but that's been about it. I just have an aversion to lettuce (and other green stuff), especially the texture. This particular salad was a spinach salad and it just sounded really good to me. The difference in this little adventure was that I ate almost the whole thing! I wasn't just choking it down either, I really enjoyed it! In fact, the reason I didn't finish is was that I dumped too much dressing on it! If that wasn't enough of a surprise, I decided against ordering a steak opting instead for chicken. Then, when we went to Dairy Queen later, the idea of a blizzard made me kind of sick and I opted for a light fruit smoothie!
The realization of how much has changed in my life kind of freaked me out. I really did find myself asking the questions, "Who am I? Who is this person who as taken up residence in my mind and in my body? I'm not sure I like her." I found myself talking to several people about the changes that are taking place, and (without knowing each other or even about the other conversations) they all seemed to use similar phrases and images, particularly "transformation," metamorphosis," "cocoon," and "butterfly." The notion of being transformed and undergoing a metamorphosis is a scary thing for me. I'm still frightened by the uncertainty that comes along with this rebirth. I recognize that it's going to be a difficult and painful process and I know that there are a lot more changes still to come. I know it will be a while before the whole picture of who/what I am becoming will be visible, and I may never be able to really see for myself all that I am, but others will see it and hopefully help me to know what I look like and what it means for me.
But I am clinging to the belief that whatever I am becoming is something beautiful.
