I know I have written before about our unsuccessful attempts at growing our family but at that point 7 months ago, we were still very much at an in-between place. Since then some things have happened, but none of them have resulted in pregnancy. I'll do a more detailed "medical" update soon, but today I just want to talk about the emotions that have gone along with my infertility becoming "official."
In the 12-24 hours following my most recent doctor's visit, I went through all four of the major emotions several times - mad, sad, glad, and scared - without much rhyme or reason! The roller coaster ride through my mind was a bit crazy and trying to get back on that ride as I am writing this is making me a little nauseous just thinking about it, so consider yourself warned!
MAD - I was flat out angry at myself for being broken, at my body for not working the way I expected it to work, at my family because there is probably a genetic component to this, at my husband for choosing me, at myself again for being a bad wife, at God for this command to "be fruitful and multiply" and then for giving me a body that can't do it, and on and on. Still, this was probably the place where I spent the least amount of time!
SAD - I was terribly sad about the absence of concrete answers in that moment. I was sad about the hopes and dreams and plans I had stored in the back of my mind. I also found myself grieving the deaths of my parents in a new and powerful way because of their absence in all this and my inability to ask them about their struggles. There wasn't a lot of variance here in the topics, but there was definitely some dynamic change in how strongly I felt this emotion. I definitely spent time everywhere between "aw, shucks" to tears running down my face!
GLAD - I actually spent a great deal of time here, surprisingly enough. Because I finally had a name and plan for all this! I had professionals in my corner and I was reminded again about how good I feel about those I have chosen to journey with me along the way. I was glad to have an excuse to reach out to a new community in which I have found myself, and I was glad that I would soon have even more answers and even more concrete plans, even if they were a bit intimidating.
SCARED - I was probably most scared of the semi-unknown that was (and is) to come. I was scared of what the results of various tests would be. I was scared of the other tests and procedures that I knew were going to come. I was scared of possible treatments and side effects. I was scared of going through all of this and not having it work.
After I got the results of my tests back and it was confirmed that I'm "the problem" it was very hard. Even though I had a plan of action, the fact that it involved waiting an unknown period of time before I could even START doing anything was very frustrating and made me feel even more helpless. I have gotten a lot of great support from folks, no matter how much or how little I have shared, which has been a huge blessing.
I continue to experience all of these things to varying degrees. The fact that it's holiday time is also making it harder. The past couple of years, the thing that has really helped me is thinking "next year will be different because there will be three!" but this year I am simply lacking some of that hope. Last year, as a part of an ornament exchange, my "secret santa" who knew about my (then covert) attempts at growing our family got me a special heart ornament that says "Good Luck 2012" in both English and German, with the hope and prayer that 2012 would be our year to at least get pregnant. I'm really doubting that now. When we were decorating our tree (yes we've already done that) I hung it up, but it was definitely hard to do. Maybe I'll be surprised in the next month and next year we will have an extra stocking to hang by the chimney with care. But make no mistake about it, this journey is hard.
I don't know when we will have to take our next step, or really even what that step will be, but it is good to know I'm not alone in it.