The End of a Season

As I've been doing some writing and reading and reflecting lately, it occurs to me that I really have reached the end of what I dubbed my "Season of Sabbath". Really and truly it probably ended several months ago. It was definitely over in August when I made a few scheduling errors and ended up consistently working 80+ hour weeks. But like most seasons in nature, it's end was gradual and graceful and not at all harsh or shocking. I don't really know what to call this new season in which I find myself, but it feels a little like winter.

I do enjoy winter (at least winter in Alabama) because it's generally quite pleasant. It's cool enough for sweaters and hot cider and occasionally we get a little bit of snow. It's busy, but full of life and joy and hope. Yes there is darkness and sometimes the cold can get a little overwhelming, but for the most part, even in its quiet stillness, it's full of promise and primes us for the hope of things to come in the spring.

So that's where I find myself now - relishing the good things, savoring the joy and life that surrounds me, appreciating the busy-ness, and hoping for the beauty that I know is yet to come!

Work It Out

First a little bit of history - when I started the Academy for Spiritual Formation I knew that a part of it was a focus on "health and wellness" although I wasn't exactly sure how this would look. I will be perfectly honest - I haven't been especially impressed with that component of the Academy experience. From what I've heard it's much more holistic than it once was, but it still doesn't quite fit with the flow of everything else, either. Anywho, there's always a little bit of guilt/shame that goes into this aspect of the week and I always come back thinking "I really need to do something about that". So at one point I joined a 24 hour gym. I figured that would eliminate my excuses. I signed Jeff up too because he said he'd go with me. He never did. I would use it occasionally and try to bribe myself but it never worked consistently. I even had my friend Andrea go and teach me how to use some of the machines and figure out what I should be doing. That just didn't stick either. So when the credit card we used to pay for the monthly membership was hacked and we had to cancel the card, we just let the membership cancel with it.

Fast forward to this summer. I'm getting restless. I really want to be doing something, especially since work has made it almost impossible for me to go to yoga with any regularity any more. So I start looking into getting a treadmill. The problem is we don't have any place to put it! So when I was at cityfest I stopped by the YMCA booth and found out they were offering a "no joining fee" special. I decided to go for it and signed up. I then promptly left town for my week at camp. When I came back I called up Andrea (who I know works out there every day) and asked if I could meet her for cardio so we could have time to catch up. We did and it was a great day. The next thing I know I'm looking forward to getting up to go and see her each morning (and I know I'll get a "where are you?" text if I'm not there!) Even after long, tiring on-call shifts I look forward to sweating out some of my emotions before I go home.

I will admit that I'm kind of vain and I love to hear people tell me I'm doing a good job and if they ever say those four little words - "I'm proud of you" - they will have me eating out of their hands! It also helps that Andrea knows EVERYONE there and they're all really nice. Andrea has also started having me do some lifting with her which hurts like heck but I know will be worth it eventually.  I'm already starting to enjoy that feeling of accomplishment that comes from pushing through that last set and do something that would have seemed impossible to me just a few minutes before! My short term goals are to be able to run - at least one mile by my birthday in mid-August and a 5k by the end of the year (preferably the fall). I'd really love for next year to be my "year of the princess" when I can do all these fabulous races, but we shall see what happens. Either way, I know if I can keep this healthy habit I'll be yet another step closer to the whole, healthy, happy person I know I can be!

Let Your Light Shine

This summer, the theme for camps is "Light Up The Sky" so there was all kinds of fun stuff about light and fire and stars and candles everywhere. My "thing" is generally worship, which suits me. Even though my personal preference is not the "happy-clappy" style, there is a simple beauty to the innocence of summer camp worship that is always striking and moving and powerful to me. One of my jobs is working on the evening Vespers. My active, visible, role is kind of a comedic character that does a little bit of scientific teaching. I know it's hard to believe that I can pull off playing a nerd, but I do it quite well and have a blast with it. But underneath it all, there's still theology happening. It doesn't always come out in the way I might envision it, but it's always there and powerful and there are moments when I can see things clicking in these little heads.

My other big project for this summer was working on the communion service, in particular doing the altar. I had the freedom to just kind of take off and run with all these ideas and materials that I had and it was amazing. I spent the majority of the day of the communion service locked away in the auditorium working on it. And while it doesn't seem like setting a table would be an all-day affair, it was more than simply doing a job. This was a holy moment for me. I turned on my favorite album of hymns being played on the piano (The Living Room Sessions by Chris Rice in case you're interested) and I was just praying as I went and as I worked. I could feel the Holy Spirit in that place in a way that I don't often feel it anymore. I could feel it working in me and through me and it was absolutely beyond words. When I had done everything I could do, I took a step back and was absolutely in awe of what had happened in that place.

I've thought about it before, but worship planning and design really and truly is something that suits me. This is a part of my light, and I'm so incredibly thankful for things like this that give me the chance to let it shine. I really do feel so incredibly fulfilled when I have the chance to be creative in that way. I don't know of other ways/places I could work this into my life, but I know that when the chance comes I'm not going to pass it up!

Academy Update

So it finally dawned on me that I never did my usual update after my last session of the Academy for Spiritual Formation. It was a very full week of experience but was very different.

The first thing that was different is that I had to leave early because we were going to a wedding for Jeff's cousin in Georgia. I am so incredibly glad we did, but it changed the dynamic of the whole week because I know there were plenty of times that I wasn't fully present. It was different from my late arrival at session 3. Part of this that made it hard was that, in order to avoid the multiple vehicle issue, Jeff drove me up and dropped me off for the first day. This wasn't really a big deal except that I didn't have as much time to "settle in" as I normally have or like. I also had to hit the grown running as soon as I got there, which is not really something that seems to "fit" with my experiences there.

Day 1 - our theme was "hospitality"

The reason I stayed so busy during last session was that I had volunteered to do the altar design for the week! Although I attended a workshop on altar design a few years ago, this was my first chance to actually do it! I can honestly say it is probably the most fulfilling creative outlet I have ever had in my life. I loved my quiet time in the worship space at the end of each night after everyone had gone to bed and the great silence was being observed where I could allow the Holy Spirit to move with me and within me to create something meaningful. Although it's not exactly a secret who does the altars each time, it's not really broadcast either. I don't have much interest in preaching (although there are a few who keep trying to convince me I should) and I'm not clergy so I'm not able to lead communion. Maybe at some point I will take a more "active" role in worship but this opportunity was amazing. It meant so much to me to hear people talk about their experiences of interacting with the altars! The woman who had done them for the previous two sessions is a professional artist, so she was a hard act to follow, but I was pleased with what I had to offer. I have to be honest, it was a huge boost to my ego when someone made the passing comment "you obviously do this all the time" and I got to tell them that actually, no, I had never done this before.

In addition to my role there, I was also a convener/facilitator for my covenant group. The responsibilities of facilitating are passed around each group so that everyone gets to do it at least once. My group has been very cohesive almost from day one which has been a huge blessing so facilitation wasn't much of a chore. Still, it was something that was always in the back of my mind as I made my daily preparations so I was constantly trying to stay one step ahead of my "work" and pay attention to the things that had meaning and relevance to my entire group, not just me. Again, it was a great insight and experience, but it was different!

Although I didn't walk away with nearly as many epiphanies as I would have liked, I did have some wonderful experiences and conversations, as always.

I also walked away with a challenge - to begin thinking of my covenant for the second year. We are challenged to come up with a covenant that we can share as we shift our focus from our own inward journeys to more of the outward concern for/with others. I recently had an idea for mine, but I'm still working it all out in my head. No matter what I decide, it is something I will be sharing here as an extra layer of accountability.

It's hard to believe that it will be time to return before I know it. The thing I am looking forward to most about our next session is that one of our faculty members is also one of my former professors from Vanderbilt. I don't know if he'll remember me, but I'm thrilled to have the chance to learn from him again! The only downside to going back is that each time we get closer to the end. This community has already been so amazing and it's going to be very difficult when we are no longer gathering regularly!

Moving Forward

This week has been a busy one for me, particularly in the professional realm.

First, I was on call at Children's on Sunday. It was a long, busy day and it really took a toll on me. I know it's part of the job, but it's still tough.

On Monday, I had a meeting in Atlanta with some folks at McAfee to talk about D.Min stuff. Although it wasn't exactly what I was expecting and I wasn't as on top of my game as I would have liked, it was generally a good experience and I came away very excited about the whole prospect.

After that, I had the chance to talk to the pastoral care department director at UAB. I'd already talked to my former CPE supervisor about the possibility of doing a senior (research) residency as a part of the D.Min and she was very supportive so it was nice to talk to him about it as well. He was also very supportive and it's nice to have good people in my corner who are willing to do whatever it takes to make this a good experience for everyone involved!

After that conversation, I came to the realization that it was time to make some contact with the folks at the conference office and inquire about my current status and my options going forward. After a very positive meeting, I now know what is needed for me to get back into the process of things. Although there are some mixed emotions, for the most part I think that I am ready to start taking those steps.

I really have needed these past several months of rest, peace, and reflection to get to this place. I'm more excited about the prospects for the future than I am intimidated by them. I don't necessarily have a timeline for what I want and when I want it, but I can tell that is a huge sign of growth for me! For the first time, I feel like I'm finally doing something I'm really excited about doing because it's completely for me, not because someone or some group is telling me that I have to do it.

I know it will be a lot of hard work, but I also know that it is work that will all make a difference, both to others and to me!

Academy 34 - Session 3

Another session of the Academy for Spiritual Formation has come and gone. This time I had a new experience of arriving very late on the first day because of our GPS class. I don't like being late. Ever. For anything. I didn't like missing out on the excitement of arrival time. I really didn't like missing our first worship service and my covenant group's first meeting. I got there Monday night around 10:15pm and went straight to bed, but it definitely took me a little while to get my bearings the next day.

As always, the week was wonderful. It was full of lots of laughter and tears. Our lecturers were great and I learned a lot and thought about a lot of things I might not have otherwise. I even wrote a psalm! I may get brave and share it here at some point. Although the week was filled with lots of intense emotions, thankfully my nudgings from the Holy Spirit (and there were plenty of them) were quite gentle. I don't know if it's because God knew that I could only absorb so much or that I'm simply paying closer attention so I don't need to be beaten over the head quite as much.

I did have the chance to share with my entire Academy community about our adoption stuff and I was just absolutely overwhelmed with all the love and support I got from everyone. I truly cannot put into words how much it has meant and continues to mean to have this community in my life, especially right now. I keep trying to express how much it meant to me to have so many people share their own experiences and to get so excited with and for me and to know that Jeff, I, and our future child (or children) are all being wrapped and held in prayer by so many people!

I've also been doing a lot of reflecting on where I stand professionally. Being with this community and in an environment where I get to learn again reminds me of how much I really did love school. I didn't love all the stress and the tests and the classes I had to take because they were required, but I did love the learning and growing. I still love learning and growing. I will probably always love it. I really and truly would be a career student if I thought I could get away with it. At the same time, I've been really hesitant to pursue more education because I'm not sure how it would benefit me in terms of getting a job. It's not necessarily something I "need." Still, the more I think about it the more benefit I think it would be to me to go back to school and perhaps pursue a doctor of ministry. It may or may not directly benefit me in terms of getting me a job, but I feel as though I would be a better person because of it, and that is my goal. I'm not going to do anything immediately, but it's kind of liberating to think about the possibilities. It also helps having support in that vein.

There are lots of changes happening in lots of different areas of my life and I'm so blessed to have this community as a support system. Knowing that this is a time-limited experience and that we're now almost to the halfway point, I'm already starting to grieve for the loss of this community. Maybe it's just grieving the end of this last session, but I also can't help but do a little bit of anticipatory grieving for the time that I know we will be leaving and not all coming back together in another 3 months. But for now, I will choose instead to celebrate this amazing blessing in my life!

Each Drop Makes a Difference

This is the lake at Camp Sumatanga. Sumatanga has a special place in my heart for a lot of different reasons and it truly is holy ground. Last year the dam broke and the lake was empty. Finally, thanks to the wonderful gift of rain, it is filling up again.

As I look at this picture and reflect on the beauty and the celebration in its grey raininess, I can't help but thing about what an appropriate metaphor for my life (especially my spiritual life) this lake has been and continues to be.

It never stopped being "the lake". Even when it was dry. Even when it was empty. Even when it was walked on and those that were daring enough to explore its raw exposure had to tread carefully. It was still always the lake because we all knew that dry and empty was not the way it was going to stay. The core of its being, its identity, never changed. It couldn't be used in the same ways, but it had a beauty and a power and a value that could only be appreciated in its emptiness. A lot of people worked very hard so that it could be filled once again. But even when all that work was done, it still takes time to be filled. But each little drop of rain makes a difference, because each drop combines with all those other drops to get it one step closer to being filled once again.

I was empty. I was dry. I was in need of fixing. And even when that was done, I had to wait for the nourishing rains. I have to trust that every drop is making a difference. To remember that the gray is beautiful and remember with gratitude all of those who have made a difference. To be thankful for all of those who ventured into uncharted territory with me. Who braved my raw exposure to be present with me in a new way. To get closer than I had ever allowed them to be before. Who continued to honor and recognize who and what I am even though my presentation changed.

Like the lake, I am constantly changing. I am natural. I respond to the things happening within me and around me. I won't stay at a static level. I will probably go down again even after I am "full" but that's ok. Every drop makes a difference.

Friday Five - Recycle, Re-gift, Reflect

I know I haven't done a Friday Five in a while, but today's seemed like fun.

Recycle

1. What is some "old news" for this year that you'd like to repeat: My "Season of Sabbath" over the last six months has been really good for me, even though it hasn't always been easy. Although some of the things I've started will continue, but I think I have reached a point where my own soul has been sufficiently replenished so that it no longer needs to be the focus of my attention.

2. What "new thing" have you started that you want to keep going in 2013: Academy for Spiritual Formation #34 has been an amazing experience that I am very excited about continuing! I know the active pursuit of growing our family isn't exactly "new" but the specifics that are required are new and will continue.

Re-gift

3. What event, experience, or gift would you just as soon "return to sender": Thankfully, this year hasn't been full of "real tragedy" the way previous years have, but I won't go so far as to say that there's nothing I would do differently. I guess if I had to pick something specific, it would be our cruise in October. It was fun, but I can think of many other things I would have rather done.

Reflect

4. What was the brightest bit of joy that was a part of your year: Beginning the Academy for Spiritual Formation and the connection that I have made with so many wonderful people in this community has been a blessing beyond measure. The fact that this wonderful gift is 1/4 of the way through is both exciting and saddening at the same time.

5. Share a picture that says more than words:

It's amazing what you can see when you are willing to take a step back and change your perspective just a little bit! I took this during my last trip up to Camp Sumatanga. I love the colors of fall and the view from the chapel.

Bonus: Share a recipe!

My new favorite thing to make (I've loved to eat it for a while!) is quiche because it's so simple and can contain anything you want! I use a pre-made pilsbury pie crust, 6 eggs (or egg substitute), 1 cup of milk, and about 1/4 cup greek yogurt, plus whatever meat, veggies, and cheese seems fitting and baked at 350 for about 45 minutes. I'm currently fond of peppered bacon, caramelized onion, and cheddar cheese. It goes together really quickly, but can also be made the day before and kept refrigerated before baking. The leftovers also re-heat really well! A big slice of this and a cup of tomato soup makes for a fabulous lunch or dinner in my mind!

Friday Five - Leftovers

Today's Friday Five, in the wake of Thanksgiving, is about leftovers. Just this week my brother and I were both lamenting the fact that, now that we don't spend the entire Thanksgiving weekend with our extended family, we no longer get the fabulous sandwiches made from leftover turkey. I'm glad I'm not the only one in my slightly kooky family who misses things like that!

1. What has surprised you in this season of Thanksgiving? - I have been surprised by how bored I have gotten with my down time this week. It's been nice to get to make my own schedule but the appeal of doing nothing wore off after about 2 days!

2. Share a recipe or favorite way to use up all the extra food from a big holiday meal? Honestly, we usually don't have a ton of extras, just enough for a couple of days of sandwiches.

 If we have leftover ham I typically make Ham & Potato Casserole : 1 bag frozen hashbrowns, 1 can cream of chicken soup, 2 c. shredded cheese, 1 small diced onion, 1 melted stick of butter, 1 c. sour cream, and diced leftover ham. I just mix it all together and bake it at 350 for about an hour.

3. We have a Sunday between Thanksgiving and Advent this year. Are you wrapping up Thanksgiving, preaching about Christ the King, or having "leftovers" with someone else doing pulpit supply? Since I'm no longer in a church, I'm doing none of the above. I'll be on-call at the Children's Hospital where I work on Saturday until 8am so whether I even make it to church it all will directly relate to the night I have!

4. Do you give the holidays their due? Or are you tempted to rush past the fall festivities for a love of Christmas? Normally I love doing fall stuff, but this year my fall decorations never even made it out of the attic. We got the last of our decorations up last week (since we weren't hosting anything fall-related) and I've been done with shopping for a little while, so I'm looking forward to really sinking into the enjoyment of Advent and Christmas that I haven't had in several years.

5. Is there some THING, some TASK, or some ONE who gets the leftovers of your attention? The honest answer to this one is probably ME! I tend to throw everything out there for everyone and every thing else, and only take care of myself with whatever is left. This is something I've been actively working on for a while now, but I know I don't always get it right!

Sadly, I don't have any pictures of everyone together yesterday. I got lots of individual pictures of everyone, but we didn't get a whole group. Oh well!

How You Can Best Care For Me

*Disclaimer - This post is not directed at anyone or in response to anything that has happened either in the real world or in blogger land. This is all about me. In an effort to be more authentic to myself, to care for my own soul, and to "help you help me" I'm throwing this all out there. Please do not take this as a sweeping prescription for all people you think have something in common with me. If you see something you believe will benefit someone else somewhere else, then by all means use it. I'm all for spreading love! But note that these are specific things I know that I need/want right now and the only way to even begin to get those needs met is to put them out there, so that is what I am doing. Thank you and have a nice day!

1. Support comes in lots of forms, not just words. - Just journeying with me, reading this stuff makes a world of difference to me. Even if you don't leave me a comment and I don't know exactly who you are, just knowing that there are people who are concerned or curious enough to join me on this journey is helpful in reminding me that I'm not alone. If you do believe that words are the best way that you can show me support, please remember that often times, less is more.

2. Please let me control the flow of information. - I'm moderating my comments so that if there is something that I don't think is particularly helpful to others who might read this or contains information I'm not ready to share, I'm not going to publish it. If I don't answer a question or respond to something specific, know that I'm doing what is best for me at whatever point on this journey you may find me. It's not always a straight line or a steady progression. Also remember there are probably things going on you don't know about. If you have something long or complicated to discuss, please feel free to e-mail me. If you ask a question I want to answer but not here, I will e-mail you a response.

3. No pity-parties please - Not for me or yourself or anyone else. Yes, there will be moments when I feel like I'm up to my armpits in a pile of poo, but I am really striving to keep the perspective that the most beautiful gardens require the incorporation of some manure to help them grow. I have a nice pile of my own, I don't need anyone else's and when I do fall face first into it, I don't need you rolling in it with me because that'll just mean it takes longer to clean up!

4. There are a few phrases that are banned here, not just from readers but also from me. If you see them, please draw my attention to it, but please try to do so kindly!

•  "I know exactly how you feel" - this is not supportive, this is disrespectful. It tells me you don't care about knowing my journey because you assume it is the same as yours and you are focused on you and not me. If that is where you are right now then so be it, but don't put that on me.
• "Should/Ought to/Supposed to/Normal" - these are phrases I'm actively working to remove from my vocabulary and hearing them from others is not going to help that process. If I use them in a declarative statement (particularly if it involves the phrase "I know") please call me on it! 
• "If you just..." - I'm going to leave the prescribing to my doctor. That's why I'm paying him!

5. Please ask questions!  - I can't promise I will know the answers about technical stuff because I'm learning as I go and I can't promise I will always be willing/able to answer some of the more personal stuff (at least when it is first posed) but I can promise that I will do my best. And if I can't answer your question, I will do my best to refer you to someone who can!

6. Please please PLEASE remember that none of this is universal truth or statements about anyone but me and it is not written for anyone but me. I did not create this blog to be about my fertility journey. I don't want it to turn into that. This is just a real peek into my life and my family and a particular journey we are on at this point. There is a dear woman in my support group whom I respect and admire more than I can say who told me that she probably would have forgotten some of the worst/hardest parts of her own journey were it not for having blogged about it as it was happening. I have found this to be true of other parts of my own life as I have gone back and read old journals from various points in my life. This is simply the most convenient way for me to do this and because I appreciate how others have been willing to share their journeys I am willing to do the same. If it helps someone else that is great, but it's not the point. 

Thank you for caring enough about me to also care about how you relate to me right now!

Academy 34, Part 2

Once again I have returned from my retreat to and with the wonderful community of Academy 34 at Camp Sumatanga. This experience continues to change for me, with me, and around me. It's always wonderful, but each time in different ways.

The biggest difference for me in this second session was how comfortable things were from very early on. This truly is a wonderful community of people and while I doubt that a change of venue would change much it is always helpful for me to be back at that "place of rest and vision" and seems only appropriate that I have this experience in this place that has already been so formative for me.

I will be completely honest here - I know I was not as "fully present" throughout the whole week as I was last time. Some of it was the battle going on in my own soul over the fertility stuff that was unfolding while I was there (and let me tell you, hearing about expected babies and watching folks knit baby blankets and tiny leg warmers wasn't always helpful either!) but I also honestly don't believe I would have been able to make the peace that I have, and it's not much but it's some, without the love and support of that community. There is so much shame that goes with this, at least for me, that being open with people about this has been hard, but it has been worth it and I'm continuing to learn this as I daily feel myself wrapped in the love and prayers of this whole community.

The other "challenge" of the week is that I believe I was much more open to whatever was going to happen to and with me and whatever it was God had for me to receive early on. I didn't have to wade in slowly, easing myself down the steps of the pool. Instead, I flung off my shoes at a run, tossed my towel without caring where it landed, and took a flying leap off the diving board! The problem with flying leaps is that they often result in a painful and messy entry  into those deep waters, and that's pretty much what happened from me. I became very aware of some difficult truths early on and that made it hard to stay as open because I reached my threshold pretty quickly. I know I spent some time "distracting myself" (pinterest anyone?) as a matter of survival but I do feel a certain sense of guilt about that because I know those special times in that special place can never be recaptured.

Our faculty was amazing, as I have come to expect. I learned so much and was so incredibly blessed by the whole experience. It really does make a difference having them truly participate in the community rather than simply gracing us with their presence at lectures and being sequestered elsewhere for the other 22.5 hours a day! I'm glad there are smarter people than me who figured that out, but I guarantee it's a lesson I will never forget!

One new experience I had was walking the labyrinth. I know about labyrinths and I have played/worked with pictures and finger labyrinths before, but this was my first time actually walking one. My covenant group decided to do it together one day, and that was also a really special experience. As a whole, the experience of the labyrinth wasn't what I expected or what I wanted, but it was what I needed. I don't know that I would say I enjoyed it so much as I appreciated it, but I do look forward to the chance to do it again.

I also had my first "official" experience of working one-on-one with a spiritual director/ spiritual guide/ spiritual friend. My previous therapist did some measure of this and we had group spiritual direction as a part of my CPE residency (which I think planted the seed for this journey now) but I hadn't sought out that individualized experience until now. It was a very enriching experience and I think it is something I would like to add to my life a bit more permanently, but the process of finding the right someone for me may be difficult and I'm not sure it's something I want to do right this second.

I do have a new favorite saying - "Go, not in peace, but TO peace" which has found a special place deep in my heart. Because I think that is what this entire journey has been and continues to be about for me. Going to shalom, which is not only peace, but also wholeness.

Academy for Spiritual Formation #34

I attended my first session of the Academy for Spiritual Formation this past week and I have got to say that was probably the most powerful week of my life so far. I made some amazing new friends and I am incredibly blessed to have them for traveling companions for the next two years. I had my passion for learning rekindled thanks to our amazing faculty and I'm definitely grieving the fact that they will not be continuing on this journey with us but I am at the same time excited to see what else we will see and do and learn.

I think the most amazing and powerful experience was simply the schedule we followed, which was based on the benedictine model of life. We began each day in silence which was broken during our morning prayer service. After the service we had breakfast and then our first faculty presentation. That presentation was followed by another hour of silence for meditation and reflection. At the end of that hour we had a plenary session for asking questions and discussing some of our thoughts/experiences. After that we had some "community time" for various announcements and the occasional other presentation, and then lunch. After lunch we had some free time (during which I generally honored the Sumatanga tradition of "flat time" and took a nap!) After that we had another faculty presentation, another hour of silence, and another plenary session. Following that session we had an evening Eucharist service and then dinner. After dinner we usually had a little more free time (if we didn't get caught up in conversations at dinner!) and then would meet in our covenant groups. After covenant group time we would come back together as a whole community for evening prayers. At the end of evening prayers we would observe the "great silence" until the next morning.

In case you're keeping track, that was 12 hours a day of silence. A good portion of that time was spent sleeping, but it was literally half of our day. I loved it. I learned a lot during that time, not least of which was about myself!

So now I'm home with my bed and my husband and my dogs. It's great to be home, but it doesn't feel exactly "right". As I write this, it's closing in on 1 am and I'm wide awake. That could be due in part to the large amount of caffeinated soda I had tonight (which has been a much less prominent feature in my life during the last week!) or the sugar-filled milk shake I had for dessert. But a part of me feels that the thing I'm missing in being able to settle myself is the service of night prayers and the silence and solitude.

I wasn't completely isolated during this week. No, I didn't have cell phone signal but I did have internet access to check e-mail. I used my iPad every day to take notes and read books. I had technology accessible to me. But the change of pace was really nice. I'm sure after another day or two I'll settle back into life here and things will feel more "normal" here. But I kind of like this discomfort and what it may prod me to do.

Part of this was also the making of a personal covenant for disciplines we will practice. This is my covenant:
Exercise 3 times a week
Read scripture, pray/meditate, and journal every day
Observe 20-30 minutes of silence each day, apart from the previous task, to simply "be" rather than "do!"
Participate in worship (without a leadership role) at least twice a month
Fast from technology for 24 hours each week - computer, internet, e-mail, TV, and phone. This may not always be the same 24 hours depending on my work schedule, but I will do 24 hours a week!

I'm hoping that my readers will be able to help keep me accountable to this, but also know that I will probably do some of my journaling/processing on here and I can't promise it will always make sense, but if nothing else it may be somewhat comical!

I'm already so excited about this journey and the places where the road will lead next.

As my Season of Sabbath Continues

It's hard to believe that it has been eight weeks since my Season of Sabbath began. In some ways it seems like it has been much longer. In other ways it seems like it has only begun.

I have only visited a church once, but it was enjoyable for the most part. I observed worship at the hospital one day and led it another. I also went to church with other camp folks while there. It was a different experience that I honestly don't know how to describe. I have been to camp for two weeks and been reminded of what being in ministry really means.

In the midst of this, I have also waited and watched and then celebrated with the announcement of our new bishop! The North Alabama Conference is getting their first female bishop, which is exciting. What is even more exciting to me is that she has studied the things I want to study and has an appreciation for and value of the various forms that ministry and ordination can take in the United Methodist Church. This is a perspective that has been much less prevalent around here in recent time.

In the wake of this, I am now headed into a new adventure. Tomorrow, I will head back to Camp Sumatanga, but this time to participate in the Academy for Spiritual Formation. I'm both nervous and excited about this new adventure, but I know that no matter what this is going to be an amazing experience! I'll spend most of today finishing my packing and preparing and doing a little extra reading and allowing myself to absorb this new experience.

Church Shopping

As Jeff and I began to prepare for this new Season of Sabbath, one thing that was a priority for us was finding a new church. We have done a little bit of visiting other churches both while dating and married, so we have had a few conversations about what we like and don't like about some of these places. As we began to prepare for this transition, we started having more conversations about what we feel is important in our church home and we started making a concrete list of what we are looking for.

Our Shopping List:

Less than 15 minutes drive

Associated with an established denomination

Community that is friendly and welcoming, but not all up in everyone else's business!

Average attendance of 100+, but not so huge we feel anonymous

Worship space that feels like a sanctuary, not an auditorium!

Sunday School or Small Groups (*this can come from someplace other than our "main" church, too!)

Opportunities to get involved, but not feel pushed or obligated to do so.

Active programs for children and families of all ages.

Worship that is comfortable for both of us.

Sound theology!

Diverse leadership

We also started making a list of the places we would like to visit. Some are more "church tourism" because we are curious about them or know people who go there, not because we think we would actually attend on a regular basis. Others are because we have started doing our homework and, on paper, these churches meet most of these requirements. Some we won't know until we visit, which is why it is important to visit. I need both the information on paper as well as the experience so that I can make a decision I am happy about. 

There are very few things that are absolute deal-breakers for me, but there are a few. I want to hear good, sound theology in preaching and worship that happens with intention and not just a feel-good motivational speech with a few trendy songs. I want to SEE a variety of people, especially in leadership positions. I want to see and feel that people are there to worship and learn, not just socialize or gossip. Most of all I want to know that there is respect and regard for everyone, not just from the pastor but from the community as a whole. This weekend will be our first opportunity to begin working our way through the list we already have and really thinking about where we want to find our home. Part of me says I want to be settled someplace by the end of August, but I know this is a process that will simply take as long as it's going to take and I can't rush it!

What do you look for in a community of faith? Have you ever done any "church shopping"? What was the experience like for you?

Visiting Churches as an Introvert

I am an introvert. A very strong introvert. The group social interactions where I thrive are the ones where I am free to sit back and observe. I am nourished and inspired by the thoughts and work of others. If given enough time in a small enough group, I will open my mouth but please oh please don't try to force me and especially don't try to make it happen immediately. In high school, "get to know you games" (especially at summer camp) often reduced me to tears. Even now, any time I attend some sort of event or workshop where there is some adult version of these games, I always excuse myself to go to the restroom and will hide outside until it's over if it's at all possible!

Why am I telling you all this? Because, as I enter my Season of Sabbath, I am facing a very anxiety-producing experience and that is visiting new churches. I was trying to come up with some logical and eloquent way of sharing this anxiety when I came across this article : Top 5 Things Introverts Dread About Church. That pretty much covers it for me. The most anxiety producing part of this for me is that I don't know how much of all these things to expect so there's no way to prepare for them. I have just about decided that, no matter what, I'm going to have to visit a place at least twice before I can form an opinion about what kind of fit it will be for me. The first time will be all about survival and getting my bearings. The second time I can actually take it all in and make a more educated decision.

When I think about visiting a new church, I can't help but remember an episode of Designing Women. I can't remember whose church it was (probably Charlene's) but Mary Jo and I believe Julia were visiting. They were immediately noticed by the pushy woman in charge of the "hospitality" committee who promptly pinned a giant yellow mum to each of them so that everyone in the church would know they were visitors. Although I know that there was a certain level of embellishment for the comedic sake of television, there is still a tiny part in the back of my mind that is terrified that this will happen to me as I visit new places.

I have never encountered a church that took it to quite that level, but I do remember the one time I visited a church in college (which may or may not have been part of why I didn't really go to church in college!) when the friends who had taken me forced me over to get a "visitor's bag". Their reasoning behind it was that there was a super-fabulous homemade brownie inside made by one of the sweet ladies in the church. While the brownie was really wonderful, I would have preferred to never eat another brownie again for the rest of my life than have to walk out with that bag. After that incident, I never did go back to that church because I saw myself tagged as "fresh meat" and I just couldn't handle it. I will walk a quarter mile in the rain to avoid parking in a space marked for visitors. I refuse to raise my hand and introduce myself. I will generally only fill out a visitor card if it is small and can be slipped discretely into the offering plate or made as a note on an attendance pad and I promise you will NOT get my address or phone number! If and when I decide to attend regularly or join, only then will I allow myself to exist "on the grid."

My husband is not an introvert. He is happy to shake hands, introduce himself, tell anyone where he works and where he lives. He has no problem jumping right in. Obviously, this can require some negotiations and compromise on both our parts when we embark on new experiences.

What about you? Are you more of an introvert or an extrovert? What parts of church (or new situations) are uncomfortable for you? How do you deal with them?

Book Review: Still by Lauren F. Winner

Remember when I first posted about Still? I read it throughout Lent and finished it shortly before Holy Week. Today, the RevGalBookPals are sharing lots of different reviews of this book, so I thought I would throw mine in there since I finally finished.

I'm not going to lie, this book took a long time for me to read. It's not because I couldn't get into it. In fact, it was quite the contrary. I was SO into it, it wasn't just a mental exercise, but was a very emotional experience as well. I get really into books. I identify with characters and will laugh out loud at funny stuff and tear up at sad stuff. But this was a whole new level of experience for me. When I write reviews, I try to be as objective as I can while still claiming my own experience. But there was no objectivity in this reading so there can be no objectivity in my writing about it. Just consider that my disclaimer.

"Middles"

Beginning on page 60, the chapter about "Middles" seems to have particular significance to me, especially now as I enter my Season of Sabbath and a new middle of of my own. Ms. Winner says that "middles are often defined by what they are not" which definitely hooked me. This idea of the middle defined by what it isn't is how my first theology class at Vanderbilt Divinity School was taught, and it really threw me for a loop, but has become an important part of how I think, and I'm pretty proud of it! The connection to "the spiritual equivalent of middle school" was quite painful, but something worth thinking about. The fact that she claimed her own dislike of the same idea was quite comforting to me! The idea of the middle game as the beginning of creativity was a new one to me, and gave me a lot of hope for my own middle, and this new journey.

Later, on page 132, she states "this is a condition of the middle: you take wisdom where you find it" to which I wrote the comment "A thousand amens!" (Which I decided would be a great subtitle for this post, because that has generally been my response to this whole book!)

"Anxiety, II"

The writing about anxiety definitely hit home with me (as if everything else didn't!) because anxiety has been a huge battle for at least the last 10 years of my life, maybe even more. I'm finally getting to a point where my life isn't as controlled by my anxiety, but that produces its own anxiety because it's such a new and foreign thing to me. The second chapter on anxiety, beginning on page 88, had me underlining and writing probably more than any other chapter. The idea of "living by quarter hours" gave me a very concrete suggestion for a way of being in the world. While I haven't actively practiced this yet, the idea stays with me and I think it will be lived out and lived into at some point in the not so distant future.

When I came across the line taken from the desert fathers, "after noticing a thought, replace it with prayer." I immediately thought of the phrase "wrap it in prayer" which has always been a little uncomfortable for me. But as I turned this phrase over and over in my mind, this is what I came up with and wrote in my book:

"Wrap it in prayer" - not trying to hide or smother whatever it is, but to hold, comfort, or protect it. Sort of like wrapping something (or someone) in a quilt or in a hug.

Let it go. It doesn't mean that whatever it is will leave, but it does mean that because you aren't holding on to that thing, you are free to hold onto something else.

In a slightly unrelated note, I appreciated that, when she made reference to "the Jesus Prayer," she wrote it out! I have often heard of "the Jesus Prayer" and read about ways people use it or times they say it, but I never knew exactly what it was! That simple gift of not making assumptions was especially touching to me, and a good reminder about why it's important to not make assumptions about what people, even life-long "church people", know!

I'm going to read this book again, but not for a while. I'm already thinking of the idea of using this as a sort of Lenten devotion for next year because I am expecting to have my mind and heart in a very different place as a result of my Season of Sabbath and time at the Academy. Check back with me this time next year to see what else I have to say!

And if you want the short version, YES I HIGHLY RECOMMEND THIS BOOK TO EVERYONE!

A Season of Sabbath

Over the past several months, I have made a series of life and career-changing decisions. Remember my last word interaction with the Board of Ordained Ministry? Well, after the shock wore off and I was able to process everything I pretty quickly came to the understanding that this really was one of those messages from God that I couldn't ignore. Something had to change. It was time for me to take a step back from serving as clergy in the local church. Now, even though I knew that was the right decision, that doesn't mean that it didn't involve some serious pain and grief in the process of acting on it.

In February, I sent the letter to my district superintendent stating my plans to discontinue my service as a licensed local pastor. There was some seriously mixed emotions involved in that experience because I got absolutely no response or acknowledgement of this from the district office. Still, there was a certain sense of relief and freedom having done this.

In the middle of this, I applied for and was accepted to the Academy for Spiritual Formation. Our first session will be the first week of August. I've already started doing some reading and met some important people, so I'm looking forward to a great two years.

Last Sunday, I announced to my congregation that I would be leaving, which was a really difficult experience. Although there were plenty of smiles and hugs, there were also a lot of tears. Although I have two more months, I know those months will fly by before I know it.

This next season in my life will be one of rest and care for myself and allowing myself to be cared for and nurtured by others. It will also mean some firsts in our marriage, like finding a church home where we can both be connected, making friends our age in our community, and taking weekend trips for the heck of it! I am looking forward to it, but there is a little bit of fear of the unknown in these things!

In the weeks and months ahead, expect to hear more about how this season plays out!