How You Can Care For Me, Part 2

Remember how, way back when I went really public with all this infertility and adoption stuff I wrote a post about what I needed and how folks could best support me? Remember how I said that if I came up with anything else or if anything changed I'd share it? Well, it's time for some sharing. No, nothing has changed drastically in terms of "what's happening" but I think my attitude about it slowly has. I recognize that my needs are different and so I want to share a more current reflection of where I am.

Recently I saw an article about what you should or shouldn’t say to a person who is trying to get pregnant. It didn’t even specifically mention “infertility” but it was pretty clear that those with more extended “trying” periods were considered the experts in this field. I had a lot of issue with this article. For one thing, I’m not a fan of sweeping generalizations. In the case of this particular article (and several others I have seen) there are several key points that I disagree with strongly. I’m going to own all of this as my own thoughts/feelings and I make no generalizations about how this may or may not apply to others. So rather than critiquing the opinions of others, I’d rather just offer my perspective on how you can best care for and relate to me.

Be real with me. Life is hard. Not having kids is hard, but so is having kids. Not being pregnant is hard, but so is being pregnant. Being stuck in the house all day is hard, but so is going to work every day. While I appreciate being on the receiving end of care, and I crave it more than most people probably know, I also can’t live there. That’s just not who I am or how I’m wired, and I assume that if you know me well enough to care about how you relate to me, you know this about me already. If you need to complain about home or work or kids or anything, go for it. If I can’t deal with it at that point, I’ll be real with you, too, and tell you.

 Don’t exclude me. Like I said before, life is hard. It’s full of sad, difficult things. I probably see more than my share in my line of work. I soak up joy and happiness and celebration wherever I can. Children are living, breathing miracles of joy to me. If you’ve got something to celebrate, let me celebrate with you. I don’t have to be all up in your business, but you don’t have to walk on egg shells around me. I’m not saying you should go out of your way to include me in things you wouldn’t otherwise, but don’t feel that because it’s happy or baby/child related that it’s something to be avoided around me. This whole journey has been and continues to be an incredibly lonely one for me. Please don’t build any more walls to remind me of how different I am.

Give me permission to grieve. I will admit that there have been times when I prayed “God, if you’re not going to give me a baby, can I at least have a miscarriage?” Not because I think the loss of a child is something to be desired, but because that is a much more tangible loss that is more easily understood. There is a lot more sympathy and support for that kind of loss. I absolutely believe that all these things that exist should and they are very valuable. Pregnancy loss is a terrible thing. But it is something that can be grieved publicly. Trying and trying and there just being … nothing… is not something you can publicly grieve. How can you miss something you never had? It’s easier than you think. I often don’t feel that I have permission to grieve publicly, but that doesn’t mean that I’m not grieving. This is often where I feel the loneliest.

Let me be real with you. Ask what’s been going on in my life and in my head and in my heart and really listen to what I have to say. If you know me well enough to recognize when I’m feeding you a load of crap then be willing to call me on it and give me permission to share with you. Don’t try to force it out of me, but give me some safe space to talk about whatever it might be. No guilt or shame, no “should” or “ought”, no mocking or ridicule. It may take a while before I act on it, but simply the knowledge that the space is there and that it is occupied by someone who loves and cares about me is a tremendous gift.

Tell me your story. No, I may not relate to all of it. Heck, I may not relate to most of it. But if there is one thing I have learned through my life and my work it’s that, in pretty much every case, there is SOME point of connection between two souls. Remind me of some of these. Help me remember that there is a community who loves and supports me and there are people who understand. And don’t be afraid of happy endings. Those have always been my favorites!

 

Thank you for caring. Please don't stop. It makes a difference.

Metamorphosis

I haven't posted much lately. On some level it's because I've been in survival mode, working way too much and not getting nearly enough rest. But even before that, I haven't felt like there was a ton to post about. Except for working the only thing I do with any consistency anymore is going to the gym. I have gotten to the point that I really do love lifting and working out. It's hard and it hurts but I feel so amazing when I'm done. It's an awesome feeling to be able to say "yeah, let me jump weight."

Obviously, there are lots of other changes that often go along with taking on something like regular exercise. The most obvious is weight loss. Yes, I have lost weight. About 25 pounds since the start of the summer. This past month I've been kind of at a plateau but I understand why. This has also meant getting into some old clothes (and now actually having the old clothes be too big!) and buying new clothes, which has been an interesting experience in itself. Although I'm far from what I would call "confident about my body" I am just a generally happier person with who and what I am. I am a little more comfortable in my own skin. And I'm taking more of an interest in my looks. I've been playing around with and starting to wear makeup and trying to do my hair more often. I'm actually putting thought into putting together outfits and picking out jewelry.

Another big change has been my eating. Since I'm working my tail off at the gym, I'm more motivated to be conscious of what I eat and trying to make better choices. No, I'm not on a diet. No I'm not on "a health food kick" but I am trying to be a little smarter about what I eat and why. I recognize when I'm splurging and allow myself to enjoy it but I also do my best to avoid making it a habit. On Tuesday I did something I've only ever done less than half a dozen times in my life - I ordered a salad at dinner. Several times in my life I've been willing or order one and even eat a bite or two, but that's been about it. I just have an aversion to lettuce (and other green stuff), especially the texture. This particular salad was a spinach salad and it just sounded really good to me. The difference in this little adventure was that I ate almost the whole thing! I wasn't just choking it down either, I really enjoyed it! In fact, the reason I didn't finish is was that I dumped too much dressing on it! If that wasn't enough of a surprise, I decided against ordering a steak opting instead for chicken. Then, when we went to Dairy Queen later, the idea of a blizzard made me kind of sick and I opted for a light fruit smoothie!

The realization of how much has changed in my life kind of freaked me out. I really did find myself asking the questions, "Who am I? Who is this person who as taken up residence in my mind and in my body? I'm not sure I like her." I found myself talking to several people about the changes that are taking place, and (without knowing each other or even about the other conversations) they all seemed to use similar phrases and images, particularly "transformation," metamorphosis," "cocoon," and "butterfly." The notion of being transformed and undergoing a metamorphosis is a scary thing for me. I'm still frightened by the uncertainty that comes along with this rebirth. I recognize that it's going to be a difficult and painful process and I know that there are a lot more changes still to come. I know it will be a while before the whole picture of who/what I am becoming will be visible, and I may never be able to really see for myself all that I am, but others will see it and hopefully help me to know what I look like and what it means for me.

But I am clinging to the belief that whatever I am becoming is something beautiful.

Let Your Light Shine

This summer, the theme for camps is "Light Up The Sky" so there was all kinds of fun stuff about light and fire and stars and candles everywhere. My "thing" is generally worship, which suits me. Even though my personal preference is not the "happy-clappy" style, there is a simple beauty to the innocence of summer camp worship that is always striking and moving and powerful to me. One of my jobs is working on the evening Vespers. My active, visible, role is kind of a comedic character that does a little bit of scientific teaching. I know it's hard to believe that I can pull off playing a nerd, but I do it quite well and have a blast with it. But underneath it all, there's still theology happening. It doesn't always come out in the way I might envision it, but it's always there and powerful and there are moments when I can see things clicking in these little heads.

My other big project for this summer was working on the communion service, in particular doing the altar. I had the freedom to just kind of take off and run with all these ideas and materials that I had and it was amazing. I spent the majority of the day of the communion service locked away in the auditorium working on it. And while it doesn't seem like setting a table would be an all-day affair, it was more than simply doing a job. This was a holy moment for me. I turned on my favorite album of hymns being played on the piano (The Living Room Sessions by Chris Rice in case you're interested) and I was just praying as I went and as I worked. I could feel the Holy Spirit in that place in a way that I don't often feel it anymore. I could feel it working in me and through me and it was absolutely beyond words. When I had done everything I could do, I took a step back and was absolutely in awe of what had happened in that place.

I've thought about it before, but worship planning and design really and truly is something that suits me. This is a part of my light, and I'm so incredibly thankful for things like this that give me the chance to let it shine. I really do feel so incredibly fulfilled when I have the chance to be creative in that way. I don't know of other ways/places I could work this into my life, but I know that when the chance comes I'm not going to pass it up!

Rest and Vision

It's almost time for summer camp!! Who is excited? THIS GIRL!

I have had a complicated relationship with my beloved Camp Sumatanga throughout my life, particularly related to summer camping. It was an amazing place full of amazing people that I credit in large part for helping me become the person I am today. But I was a relatively late-comer to the camp world, not until I was a sophomore in high school. I dove in head first and soaked up everything I could, serving any way I could. But there was a part of me that always felt like I was an outsider. Even now, there is a group of folks that I generally went to camp with that get together regularly. I love them all and think of them all fondly, but I am not a part of their group. Yes, it still hurts. Yes, it will probably always hurt.

After I graduated from high school I decided it was time to take a step back from camp for a while. Something just didn't feel right about it anymore. It didn't fit the way it once had. I knew I was trying too hard to make myself squeeze into a place that I would never fit and it was better for everyone if I backed off. Life happened and I got busy and I stayed away for about 7 years. I still have a hard time wrapping my brain around the idea that not only could I be involved in something for seven years, I could be AWAY from being involved in something for seven years and have returned! My return was generally thanks to a wonderful saint named Allison who somehow never forgot about me and saw something in me and wanted me to be a part of her camping magic that she always works.

Coming back, everything suddenly fit. I had a place. I had people. I know that a part of that was my own personal growth that had taken place (and has continued to take place over the past several years). I felt like I was a part of something that mattered. I was able to connect - with God, with people, with myself. It really was a homecoming in the best sense of the word. 

I'm sure I've said it before but I'll say it again because it matters. The name "Sumatanga" means "a place of rest and vision." While you are working on summer camp, those concepts seem a bit elusive. But it is a kind of rest from the things and stress of the world and allowing yourself to simply be and take the things of the day as they come. The vision is definitely there, but it is something that you have to be open to seeing in fleeting glimpses. I definitely see moments where the Kingdom is right there in that place. I see moments where I know who I am and why I am doing what I'm doing. I even see hope and peace and joy and love and all these other amazing things that are so much harder to see in "real life" and thus reminding myself what it means to look for them. The REAL rest and often times the understanding of the vision comes later, but without this time and place couldn't come at all. Let me tell you, there is NOTHING like the sleep you get the night you come home and crash into your own bed after an amazing but exhausting week! 

I need the rest. I need the vision. I need the excitement and exhaustion and sunburn and chiggers and laughter and sweat and tears and hugs and everything else that comes with a week at camp. I need to be reminded of who I am and whose I am. And so I will joyfully return...

Each Drop Makes a Difference

This is the lake at Camp Sumatanga. Sumatanga has a special place in my heart for a lot of different reasons and it truly is holy ground. Last year the dam broke and the lake was empty. Finally, thanks to the wonderful gift of rain, it is filling up again.

As I look at this picture and reflect on the beauty and the celebration in its grey raininess, I can't help but thing about what an appropriate metaphor for my life (especially my spiritual life) this lake has been and continues to be.

It never stopped being "the lake". Even when it was dry. Even when it was empty. Even when it was walked on and those that were daring enough to explore its raw exposure had to tread carefully. It was still always the lake because we all knew that dry and empty was not the way it was going to stay. The core of its being, its identity, never changed. It couldn't be used in the same ways, but it had a beauty and a power and a value that could only be appreciated in its emptiness. A lot of people worked very hard so that it could be filled once again. But even when all that work was done, it still takes time to be filled. But each little drop of rain makes a difference, because each drop combines with all those other drops to get it one step closer to being filled once again.

I was empty. I was dry. I was in need of fixing. And even when that was done, I had to wait for the nourishing rains. I have to trust that every drop is making a difference. To remember that the gray is beautiful and remember with gratitude all of those who have made a difference. To be thankful for all of those who ventured into uncharted territory with me. Who braved my raw exposure to be present with me in a new way. To get closer than I had ever allowed them to be before. Who continued to honor and recognize who and what I am even though my presentation changed.

Like the lake, I am constantly changing. I am natural. I respond to the things happening within me and around me. I won't stay at a static level. I will probably go down again even after I am "full" but that's ok. Every drop makes a difference.

Remembering

I have been somewhat resistant to all the media attention surrounding remembering September 11, 2001. I understand that it's important, but it's been really hard. For one thing, I remember this every single year, often multiple times each year. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that my experiences that came as a result of all of that have helped make me the person I am today. In case you missed it last year, you can read an article I wrote about my experiences in New York in March 2002 called "Fear is Not the Only Force at Work in the World Today".

As I look back, I remember that day. I was a junior in high school. I even remember what I was wearing - a pale blue corduroy skirt, a burgundy and blue argyle sweater, and my knee high black boots. In the middle of my English class I was bored out of my mind, and heard someone walking down the hallway saying that a plane had flown into the World Trade Center in New York. My first reaction was "someone made a MAJOR miscalculation on that one!" By the time class got out, there was lots of talk about what had happened and was happening. I had just applied to go to New York on the citizenship trip the North Alabama Conference took every year. I had been looking forward to this trip since I was in about 8th grade and this was supposed to be my year to get to go, so I just kept asking in my head over and over "What about the trip?"

We had a break between classes, and lots of people went running for classrooms with TVs, but I went outside with my friends just like normal. It was a nice, sunny day with beautiful weather. I laughed at the jokes people were making, knowing deep in my gut that I wouldn't be laughing again for quite a while. I was right. By the end of the day, I was exhausted and numb. I had been through so many different emotions and I couldn't think about anything else.

Even now, when I think about all that happened in the days and weeks following, I remember my trip above everything else. Because that is what made it real for me. The eerie silence as we neared the hole in the ground that was once the sight of two enormous buildings. The sight of the Burger King that was all boarded up. The make-shift memorials all over the place. It was and continues to be overwhelming.

This year, I was introduced to a new book with a different perspective on some of the aftermath. So if you're looking for a good read, I highly recommend The Faith Club. It WILL make you think, but it's great. As we continue to look back, let's not forget to also look forward at the days of hope to come!

Nesting

I've heard about the idea of nesting in several different ways throughout my life. Most of the time, it refers to creating a safe, warm, comfortable space. Generally, it involves physical space. The two most common ways I've heard about nesting is setting up a house and decorating, or cleaning and preparing for the arrival of a child. But lately I've come to understand nesting in a broader sense of making preparations. I've heard the writing of birth plans and even advance directives called "a special kind of nesting" referring to creating that environment of love, care, and comfort for someone. It's about transitions in all different forms.

I have found myself doing a unique form of nesting of my own lately. I'm facing a big transition with the end of CPE. In addition to all the emotions of leaving that community and those responsibilities, I'm facing these wide open days with lots of possibilities and very little direction. I'm not a very good "fly by the seat of my pants" kind of person, so I need some structure.

In addition to the change of having time on my hands, this will be a big change because I will be at home all day by myself, which has never been the case since we have lived in this house! Jeff lost his job right after we moved, so even before CPE, he was always here with me! As much as I love spending time with him and having him help with stuff around the house, I do miss being able to do things for him like have dinner waiting when he gets home or doing the shopping and taking care of the errands so that we don't have to do the "work" stuff on the weekends!

I've had lists and plans and schedules on my mind for a while now. I guess that is my own form of nesting. Of preparing my space, both physical and mental, for a change. Whether I stick to these plans or modify them is yet to be seen, but that really isn't the point either. Making plans is like a security blanket for me. It makes me feel as though I have some control over all that's happening in my life, even when I know I really don't.

It's still a month away, but I've already got several lists/plans going. Meal plans, grocery lists, chore schedules, and I'm sure plenty of other things will surface as well. In the meantime, I'm sure I'l come up with plenty of other things to plan and prepare for! And if you need anything planned for you, let me know!

Weathering the Storms

First of all, thank you so very much to everyone who has sent love and prayers to us. Jeff and I are fine. There was no damage at our home in Alabaster and we even had very little debris end up in our yard. We recognize that we were very fortunate because we know for sure one tornado literally went right over us! My family in Cullman is also safe. Catherine didn't have any damage at her house, only debris and stuff in the yard. We did have some minor damage out at the farm, but we were very fortunate.

I'm heartbroken to see the devastation all over. I will admit my own selfishness and crying a lot of tears over the damage to my home church. I know it's just a building and it can be fixed, but that place is as much my home as any house I may have lived in (more so in many ways) and a little piece of my soul was destroyed along with it! This is a picture of one of the windows in the sanctuary. I can't say for certain, but I think this is actually the window in several of my wedding photos.

Working in the hospital today was a surreal experience. I was definitely overwhelmed. I went down to the Emergency Department for a while and I really was in shock of what I was seeing and hearing. The stories are absolutely heartbreaking. I will be processing this for a long, long time.

Now that the physical storms are over, the mental/spiritual/emotional ones are just beginning, not only for me but for everyone who has been touched by this in any way (which, if you're reading this, I'm guessing also includes you!) Love and prayers to all!

Friday Five - Spiritual Disciplines

Today's Friday Five asks us to share about five spiritual disciplines that we have tried or used. This seems especially timely for me because I am looking for new disciplines that I can experience and integrate into my own practice. This is also a part of CPE right now and we are looking at different disciplines as a part of group spiritual direction. So here are my five.

Centering Prayer - I've read/heard about using centering prayer before, but never really experienced it until recently through Spiritual Direction. It has been a bit of a challenge but I've enjoyed practicing it. I'm looking forward to see what comes of it in the future.

Journaling - This is probably the discipline I've used for the longest and the most consistently. I've been using it as a spiritual discipline since before I knew what spiritual disciplines are. Even now, journaling is a very powerful experience for me and I expect that it will continue to be this way for many years to come.

Prayer Beads - I first learned about ways of using prayer beads in high school at summer camp when my counselor made some for all of us and we used them during our cabin prayer time at night. Later, I made some for myself and for friends. Now I have a couple of rosaries that I use for the same purpose. I don't use this discipline as much anymore, but still cherish it and will pull it out on occasion.

Tai Chi - This came as a part of a music appreciation class I took in college. Even though it wasn't specifically taught as a spiritual discipline, I used it and enjoyed it. I miss using this and I'm hoping that I can eventually find my notes about it and get back into it. If I can't find my notes I'm sure I will find some other way of getting information about it, but it will definitely take a back seat to other things!

Lectio Divina - I'd heard the term and knew it was "spiritual reading", but never really experienced it until earlier this year when it was used as part of a conference I attended. The thing that really struck me was that the conference facilitators made the decision to use a poem rather than scripture because, as they put it, "for ministers, scripture is more a tool of the trade" and the temptation was there to think about how to preach/teach the verse, not listen to it and experience it. I have since begun using the process for both scripture and other readings and found it very meaningful. This one is probably my favorite at the moment!

I know I have been neglecting my self-care updates, but I've been staying on top of it. I'm still seeing my therapist weekly, and I'm enjoying using spiritual direction and making self-care an educational priority. Tomorrow I'm going to spend the day taking care of myself - getting a new haircut, manicure, and pedicure then having lunch at my favorite deli!

Carving Space

I have been doing a lot of assessing of my priorities in the past few weeks. Some of it has been the influence of the stuff going on in my personal life, some due to CPE stuff, and some just because it's about that time on my own internal calendar to consider my life and what is important in it.

One thing I have determined is that I don't do a good enough job of making my priorities, well, priorities! I tell myself what I value in my head. I may even write it down or talk about it. But rarely do I take the time or the effort to carve out a space for it in the bigger picture of my life. And that has got to change.

I have been working on #1 valuing and prioritizing my own stuff, and that has been a journey that has not always been easy or pleasant, and it is one that is far from over. But as I am finally reaching a point where I have some good support and some necessary prodding and I am beginning to step in that direction.

I am not afraid to spend on things that I see as a good, long-term investment. My mom taught it to me in terms of buying clothes and even things for the house - it's better to spend a little more on something up front when you know it will last. I learned through experience that it's better to buy the $40 jeans that will last 4 years than the $10 jeans that will last maybe 4 months. I will even spend a little more on fair trade chocolate or organic produce. But the one place I am more hesitant to invest is my own self-care. Some of this can be seen in my risotto revelation. But I have decided to be more proactive in caring for myself and carving out the space to take care of me, not just trying to squeeze it in between taking care of everyone else.

Step one - get a haircut and get my nails done. I know it seems silly and superficial. But that's precisely why it's such a huge step for me. Because it's something I really REALLY want and I am going to do it with or without the permission or encouragement of others. It's an investment in me. And not just the money involved either. In fact, the bigger issue was the time. Setting apart two and a half hours of time just to have someone take care of me? It seems absurd. It took a lot for me to call and make the appointment but I did it. And as crazy as it sounds, I felt this kind of burden lift when I did it because it's such an exciting notion and it gives me something wonderful to look forward to!

And it is that silly and superficial step that has given me the encouragement to carve another little hole, this one filling a similar, but seemingly deeper, need. I need to not only be cared for but be ministered to. Don't get me wrong, I love my jobs. I know that this is where I have been called. But I am still a child of God with a story and a journey and a soul that needs tending in the midst of this crazy life. I am so glad to know of a church doing a series of special services for Lent on Sunday afternoons that emphasize use of the arts, music especially. I am so stinking excited that I am not only going to carve out the space to go to one, I am going to carve out space to go to several. In fact I'm going to all but one! It's amazing the impact these little steps can have!

As I continue to carve out these spaces, I am reminded that the craft of carving is often quite challenging. It takes real skill (and sometimes very specialized tools) to get things exactly the size and shape we want them to be. In the meantime, we just have to keep trying, digging, shaping, and finding ways to create these spaces that are so very needed!

How do you carve out space in your life? Why do you carve out the space? Who or what helps you with that carving?

A New Crossroad

Thank you for the love and prayers. Dad died Saturday morning about 5:30 am. I was at work, just as I know he wanted me to be. John was home and Catherine was able to be with him. She said it was very peaceful and I'm glad they had that time together. Visitation will be Monday 5pm -8pm at Moss-Service Funeral home. The Funeral will be on Tuesday in the chapel at Cullman Memory Gardens at 11am. The full obituary can be found through the Cullman Times.

It's been a long road, but now we have arrived at this place. This place of both grief and celebration. Of both laughter and tears. I'd love to say that the journey is over, but I know that is far from true. This is just an intersection on this particular road. We'll all keep going, although now at very different paces. On some level we were being dragged, lead, forced, pushed, and guided up until this point, but now we are on our own. We can continue together if we so choose, but the bottom line is that we will start to spread out a bit. We'll reach different intersections at different times and take different turns and that's ok.

I'm very grateful for all my traveling companions through this. You have been wonderful blessings to me and I know I couldn't have gotten to where I am without you. So now, after a brief rest, the journey will continue...

The How

I've been turning some stuff over in my head recently, so rather than trying to process it internally like a normal, rational person I'm going to try and make sense of it all here. Feel free to stop reading here.

I will go ahead and put the disclaimer that I'm going to be talking religion in somewhat specific terms, so please recognize that these are entirely my personal beliefs and not representative of anyone or anything except me and my slightly crazy mind!

There are millions of people in the world. And I would venture that, at some point or another, my path will cross with lots of those folks. However the number of meaningful interactions will probably be substantially smaller. And I already know that a good deal of these interactions will involve diversity of just about every kind imaginable, but right now I'm thinking specifically about religious diversity. Some of it is simply a byproduct of my career, but some of it is also simply who I am and the people with whom I choose to associate.

For the most part, I know what I believe. If required, I can break it down for you. I can quote a variety of affirmations of faith (or at the very least reference them accurately!) but I can do it with passion and conviction because they are things that I believe. And there are some things that I might have a hard time even reciting in a worship service because I simply don't agree with them. And I think having a good sense of what you as an individual believes is important. One of my slightly sarcastic statements has always been that it's called a "PERSONAL" faith for a reason, and while tradition and family and culture and community all play a role in the development of your beliefs, they ultimately have to be YOUR beliefs to have any meaning.

I still stand by that statement, but there is oh so much more to it than simply knowing what you believe. In fact, in the grand scheme of things, that part is kind of the basement of your house. It's the foundation. For some it is bigger and deeper than others. A lot of folks won't ever see it, and they may take for granted its existence at all. What you do with that space is ultimately up to you. But like I said, it's just the start. Unfortunately, this is where too many people stop. They have their list of doctrinal statements and famous quotations and official policies and choose to leave it at that. And that is really a shame, because there is so much potentially rich and beautiful dialogue that can take place when you don't just look at the water, but you dive into it (even if only in the shallow end to start with!) The foundation may shift and settle a bit, it may even undergo some pretty extensive renovation, but that renovation has to be undertaken carefully because it WILL have an impact on everything else. Ultimately, if there are too many problems here and not enough of the pieces line up, everything else will come crashing down and you'll have to start over.

The second part is the part that I emphasize when I teach, especially when I teach young people who have a pretty good sense of the first part (or at least enough healthy curiosity to keep them motivated along that journey). The second part is understanding "Why?" Now, from a counseling perspective, "why" can be a dangerous question. It's human nature to get a little defensive when this question is posed, especially depending on the tone with which it is asked and the context in which it is asked. But a little agitation and confrontation are necessary and very helpful, and I feel like this questions is essential. And as you do the work of the first part, you sort of naturally work out this second part. And if you have done a little too much coasting in the first part, you'll know it when you get to this part.

I tell kids and adults alike that I don't mind if you disagree with me, so long as you can defend your position. I am happy to engage in respectful dialogue with you, but I expect it to be an intelligent and informed discussion, and "because my pastor said so" or "because a book says so" is not an acceptable answer to any question of why YOU believe what you do. I don't want to argue for the sake of arguing and I don't have to be right, but don't expect me to change my mind about my position right away. It's not an attack on your beliefs or an attempt to prove that your thoughts are inferior in some way. I genuinely want to understand. This is the framing for your house. This is the basic form around which all the other stuff will be shaped and held. This is where your floor plan is outlined and your opening are initially created. And once this part is constructed, it can be changed without having to tear down the whole thing, so long as you take into consideration the way all the other parts support the part you want to change, and consider the parts being supported by the piece you want to take out or move.

Now, I said all that to say this: Recently I have been playing around with a new piece - the HOW of belief. Now, asking someone "How do you believe?" can be tricky. Because really the question is "How do you share/show what you believe?" I have generally stayed away from this question because when I was growing up, in the battle of the big denominations (Methodists vs. Baptists in my hometown) that was not something "we" did. ("We" was the Methodists) We don't "do" witnessing. We don't beat people over the head with salvation. We don't try to convert people We just don't do that. In fact, it was the doing of those things that is what made "them" our opposition.

I understand now that this knee-jerk reaction of mine is rather limited. But unfortunately it's the same one that many people experience. However, let me state very clearly - THERE IS MUCH MORE TO SHARING WHAT YOU BELIEVE THAN SIMPLY SAYING IT! In fact, if you really want to get the message across, verbal communication is probably the least effective way to do it! So if you can't TELL people, how do you let them know what you believe? How do you preach the gospel and use words only when necessary? Well, the "Sunday School" answer to this one is to show them by the way you live! Sure it's great to be able to recite a creed with passion, but isn't it more important to live the faith? Isn't it more important to show the love of God than to simply tell someone "God loves you."?

I'm still trying to figure out what this means for me. On the one hand, this is exactly what I do every day at the hospital. When I am reading stories to a small child who is lonely and scared or listening to a staff member tell me how upsetting it is to be yelled at for something he/she couldn't do, or simply sit by the bed of an elderly patient so he/she won't wake up alone, I am showing what I believe about love and care for everyone. But what about when I leave my "official" role as minister? What about when I'm driving home? Or in the grocery store? Or out at dinner with my husband? I'd love to say I do it there too, and I'm sure sometimes I do. But I'm also sure there are more times that I don't. And I need to work on that.

So what does the how look like in your life, regardless of what you believe? Do you think people would guess what you believe based on the way you act? And how does that make you feel?

Risotto For One

Risotto is one of my favorite foods, but I don't eat it too often. The fact that it's not especially healthy doesn't have nearly as much to do with this as it should. It has more to do with the fact that it's expensive, and Jeff really only likes it occasionally as a side dish with something else, and it takes a long time to cook and is kind of labor intensive.

I'm more than happy to invest the time and money into it when I get to share it with other people, especially other people I know (or I hope) will enjoy it. It's kind of become one of our "entertaining" foods. I like being able to share the good stuff with other people. I derive pleasure from seeing them pleased.

But what about me? What about what I want? And the fact of the matter is, I want risotto more often than I get it. I have been thinking lately about needs and wants and how they fit into my life. Not just the tangible stuff like food or clothes or shelter, but the intangible stuff like rest and peace and comfort. The risotto just happened to be an appropriate illustration that really got my attention. Because the fact of the matter is, I'm not very good at meeting my own needs, satisfying my own cravings because I don't ever try.

I have really been craving risotto lately. And we finally went to the store a few weeks ago and got some more. But Jeff is now on a low-carb kick. And he's teaching so he's not home for dinner a couple of nights a week. And work as been keeping me on my toes and I've been coming home really beat. And... and... and...

So the other night I decided that I was going to make some risotto for myself. Just for myself. Jeff was teaching and would be home late. I had worked all day but really felt as though a half hour or so over the stove would be good for me and help me de-stress before I finished a paper I had to get turned in. So that's exactly what I did. And it took me a little while to figure out what I was doing. Because I had never had to cut a recipe down for one person before! But I did it and it was delicious. It tasted better than it ever has before. I don't know if it's because I was using some different spices or because I was simply cooking less, or because I wasn't rushed and could invest the time that it needed. Or maybe because I was doing it for me.

As I was taking the time to do this, I decided to also take the time to listen to the objections that kept popping up in my head.

"It's not worth wasting a serving on just me."

"I should save this for something or someone special."

"Why spend the time if you're the only one who will be able to enjoy it?"

There were others, but they were variations on this same theme. And that really got me thinking about my priorities and what happens when I listen to myself and DON'T give in to those thoughts. Because I didn't let myself be deterred by all my doubts. I did what I wanted. I made risotto just for me, and it was spectacular. And not only was my craving satisfied, I felt really good about it. I enjoyed the process of satisfying the craving, not simply the end result. And that was an important lesson for me. That it's not just about the destination, it's the journey. And it doesn't have to be an uphill climb the whole way!

I'm Melting

I'm melting. Mentally. Emotionally. Spiritually. And in many ways, it's a relief. I've allowed myself to become frozen solid by my journey. It was absolutely necessary and helpful. Because when I was frozen, all this "stuff" that was floating around without structure or support, trying to find a place, became solid. It combined and held together. A lot of stuff went into the creation of the iceberg.

I was resilient. Stuff could bounce off of me. Even when a portion of me was sinking, I was still able to float. To move. To be influenced. I was solid. I was strong. I couldn't be destroyed. But I was holding on to so much. Some of it was good and some of it was gross. And even when I appeared to be great, there was still all this stuff buried inside. You might be able to see a little edge of something, a little piece. But for the most part it was hidden.

I'll never completely melt. I'll never go back to that state of mess and chaos. But I'm softening. Parts of me are melting. The stuff that had been buried is slowly being exposed. And some of that nasty stuff is falling away. The parts that are melting are letting that water run down and create new paths, new patterns, new ways of appearing and of being.

I got probably the greatest compliment ever today. It wasn't even phrased as a compliment. It was an amusing story. The compliment of it was not just sort of a fact of the story. But it was the first time I'd heard it. And I really thought I was going to cry because I was so touched! And my head is still sort of swimming from it.

I'm melting. Softening. Being re-shaped. It's glorious.

Wrestling

I have been thinking about a lot of things lately. Playing with the concepts in my head. Wrestling with the meanings in my life. Shuffling the words like a deck of cards. And I have come away with more questions than answers. With new ideas, but no place to put them. New concepts, but not terms for them. Instead of making up my own words, I'm making up realities for myself (or at the very least, possibilities).

That's what makes this hard. I think well by talking or writing through something. But right now, I simply don't have the words for this. Explanations fall short. Dancing around the edges leaves the center lacking. When I can get right on top of it, something else gets covered and possibly forgotten. The edges are rough and things are still curing and processing and developing.

It's becoming easier to draw a series of pictures or put together some sort of visual response to all of these things. The computer isn't my safe place anymore. The keyboard isn't my release valve. I've always been "the human dictionary" or "the talking encyclopedia", so for me to not have the image and the definition and the explanation is really tough.

In spite of all this, there is one thing that I have found myself using that I had almost forgotten about. I'm singing again! I don't sing well and I am not crazy about doing it in front of folks, but in the car I am rocking out. I am belting with everything I have. And it feels so good! Not just mentally or emotionally, but physically too. Stretching muscles I had forgotten to stretch and use to their fullest potential.

The absence of my own words has made me re-learn how to express myself in different ways. I've started being "crafty" again. I am knitting a scarf and have plans for at least three hats. I made a journal and have a few ideas for what I would like to put in it.

Maybe I should have taken up wrestling a long time ago...

Peace

I think the concept of peace is something we take for granted. It's so incredibly powerful! To literally offer someone a blessing of peace is an amazing gift. And when we have it, it's so tempting to ignore it or abuse it. We tend to think of peace as being tied to "quiet" or "sleep", but there is so much more to it than that. And when you are missing the peace part deep down inside, all the quiet or sleep or soothing music in the world simply isn't going to do it for you. My life has been missing a certain element of peace, and I didn't even realize it until it suddenly returned and I was able to say, "Yes, that's it! That's what I've been searching for!" As I have been thinking about peace lately, I have been drawn to the phrase (and thus the image) of "peace like a river." And I've been running over the implications of that in my head. And the more I think about it, the more appropriate it becomes.

It's powerful. Much of its strength is in its depth. Sure, there is some pull in the shallow parts, and some good stuff that can come from that, but there's so much more power the deeper it goes.

It flows with and over and around obstacles. It uses them. It doesn't erase them. The little ones may be carried elsewhere to be encountered again, and the big ones may be covered or may influence the flow and the way other things are carried. All these things that "get in the way" are exactly what make it what it is. The shape it and form it and guide it along the way.

It has the power to shape and to mold. To smooth rough edges and wash away dirt and debris. To carve the surrounding landscape and mold the things around it.

It is always changing. It rarely looks the same way twice. It goes where it wants to go, whether it is wanted or not. It makes its own way. It is different things in different places. Some places it meanders, some it rushes wildly. Some places it's easily accessible and some it is difficult to reach. Some places you can enter gently and others you have no choice but to jump right in!

It is a resource that must be cared for and respected. If not given proper care and concern and if people start trying to interfere too much, it loses some of its power and its majesty. Sure, we can harness it for power or redirect it for our own convenience, but what is lost when this happens?

It can very easily be shared by many at the same time! It is a home to entire communities of beings and a source of life and nourishment to many.

When you think about peace, what do you think about? Do these images support you? How do you experience peace in your life?

Un-Thankful

Yes, I am very thankful for lots of things in my life. But I also recognize that I forget to be thankful a lot more often than I remember (or am reminded) to be. I take a lot of things for granted. We all do. And even when we do try to make a list of the things we are thankful for that we probably do take for granted, I don't think we sit back and reflect on exactly what it means for us to have those things in our life or to be thankful for them.

I have intentionally avoided all the exercises on facebook and whatnot about listing something you are thankful for every day in November (or whatever it may be). It's not that I'm not thankful for things, because I am. But I think that exercise is lacking something really important. Because anyone can come up with a list of things they are thankful for. You start with the "elementary school answers" - family, friends, a home, pets, health, safety, religious/spiritual things, experiences. Then you usually move on to modern conveniences or good things that happen each day. But do you ever stop and think about WHY you are thankful for these things? Do you ever consider what it means for you to have these things and what thankfulness looks like in your life. Even more importantly, do you admit that you often take these things for granted and make a concerted effort to not take them for granted but to be intentionally more thankful in your lifestyle, rather than for just a few extra weeks?

I agree that a month of giving thanks is better than a single day, but what about a lifetime? Wouldn't that be the best thing possible?

Today my challenge to you is not to share things you are thankful for, but to really reflect on (and perhaps share) the things that you take for granted in your life. Think about why that is, what it means to have them in your life, and what thankfulness looks like. Then think about what you are going to do in the coming year to be more thankful, not just for these things you take for granted (although that's a great place to start!) but in all the areas of your life!

Gray Matters

It is an amazing and powerful thing when all of creation seems to mimic and magnify our thoughts and feelings. But with power, comes danger. I experience a lot of this a little more closely than I would like on gray and gloomy days. The truth is, I often experience lots of uncomfortable thoughts and emotions on these days. Just as when images are magnified they are brought into sharper, clearer focus so are emotions and memories and experiences.

Too often I try to shy away from the gray and gloomy parts of my self. I try to only show and share the bright and sunny parts. But the truth is, there are lots of gray, gloomy, rainy parts of my heart and soul and spirit. And just like the beauty of flowers and trees need the rain and darkness just as much as they need the warmth and sun, my spirit needs the gray parts too.

I've been struggling with lots of things for lots of months. For the most part life is grand and glorious. But there are some things that are not so grand and glorious. Many of you know that my dad has had cancer for several years and he has recently started to decline pretty steadily. I know what is happening. I know what is coming. But I still don't like it. I don't like where we are, I don't like where we're going, and I don't like the space between here and there. I'm not really crazy about the space on the other side of "there" either.

I am determined, in this time, to not be my dad's chaplain. To not be his pastor. To not be his caregiver at all. I will simply be his daughter. But I'm not really sure what that will look like for either of us. And I'm afraid it may be too late when I figure it out. But that doesn't mean I'm not going to try.

And if the gray start to becomes too dark, I have lots of wonderful lights in my life to help make it a little less scary!

Feels Like Home

I started writing this on the Thursday night during my first overnight call. Then, my Friday Five from last week was all about connections and it was nice to reflect in those ways, but I was exhausted and not thinking clearly as I tried to process everything so I wanted to elaborate on some things.

UAB is feeling more and more like a second home to me. I'm oddly comfortable here. My mom spent many months as a patient here, so I spent a lot of time here. I can walk the path from the 4th Avenue parking deck to Spain Rehab without even thinking. In fact, if I'm not careful, I will go right past where I'm supposed to be headed if I let my mind wander because it's like autopilot.

I have been surprised by the number of people I know who are employees here now. It's nice to turn a corner and see a familiar face. And as I spend more time here, more faces are becoming familiar. I'm already starting to build relationships with staff members on the different units, especially the units I cover on a regular basis. It's nice. It's comforting. It's homey.

There are still some times when I am self-conscious about where I am and why I am there. When I walk the back hallways, using my badge to unlock doors that are closed to others or that would otherwise require authorization, I still feel as though I'm doing something I shouldn't be doing, even though I know this isn't the case. It's really not such a different experience from when we first moved into our house, and I felt as though I was somewhere I shouldn't be until everything settled in. It's sort of like breaking in a new pair of shoes. It takes a little while for everything to fit just right, but you can definitely tell when it's starting to happen.

I'm excited about what the coming months will bring. I'm sad that it's now only a little over 11 months until my residency ends. I am already starting to really care about the people with whom I work (and on some level, live) and knowing that this is a temporary thing is not going to make it any easier when I have to leave! A year seems like a long time when you start out, but it really goes very quickly!

Sharing

My CPE group has been getting along very well. Things are starting to pick up in terms of busy-ness and intensity and emotions, just as they should. We are starting to become more familiar with one another and our likes and dislikes, and it's been great. In celebration of our group and in an attempt to get me back in the swing of cooking, I decided to make my Chicken Curry for everyone at lunch time. It was a wonderful afternoon of food and fellowship around the table where we will be spending so very many hours over the course of this next year.

After lunch, one of my classmates made a comment about how much she appreciated my sharing this with everyone. I simply responded that I was happy to have people to cook for, because for me half of the joy of cooking is getting to share the fruits of my labor. And she then mentioned that she had recently had a visit in which they had discussed how frustrating it must be to have a gift and have no one with whom to share it. At first it sort of boggled my mind that she would make that connection. Because I'm thinking spiritual gifts or talents, and I can't see a crock pot of chicken falling into those categories!

And as that idea kept marinating in my mind, I had to really ask myself "What does it mean to have a gift?" Because I admire lots of gifts in lots of people. The ability to take beautiful photos. A fabulous sense of humor. An exceptionally compassionate heart. The ability to make kick butt baked goods. The ability to be handy and fix things. A spirit of adventure and an ability to try new things. The creativity for amazing artistic expressions. These are all things I aspire towards. And I know that deep down, I have gifts to share. But I have a really hard time naming those.

Maybe it isn't such a stretch to think that food may be one of my gifts. Not in the way that a gourmet chef is gifted, but perhaps as an extension (or manifestation of) the desire to connect people, to facilitate the building of relationships and my compulsion to take care of people. It has indeed been frustrating to not be able to create something and share that something with someone! In fact, without having someone to share it with, there really is no motivation to create.

Of course, in pondering this, I also began to think about what it means to share. As grown-ups, we use the word "sharing" to generally mean the same thing as giving of oneself. But when we attempt to teach the concept as children or try to think about the definition, we equate it to "taking turns", which involves both giving and receiving. I think we lose something in forgetting what it is to also receive as a part of the act of sharing. Maybe it doesn't happen right away or you don't receive the same thing in return, but you are still sharing. It's something I will continue to think on.

So now that I've had my turn to give my thoughts, it's your turn! (See how this works?) What do you think about in terms of sharing? What gifts do you have to share? How do you like to share them?