Moving Forward

This week has been a busy one for me, particularly in the professional realm.

First, I was on call at Children's on Sunday. It was a long, busy day and it really took a toll on me. I know it's part of the job, but it's still tough.

On Monday, I had a meeting in Atlanta with some folks at McAfee to talk about D.Min stuff. Although it wasn't exactly what I was expecting and I wasn't as on top of my game as I would have liked, it was generally a good experience and I came away very excited about the whole prospect.

After that, I had the chance to talk to the pastoral care department director at UAB. I'd already talked to my former CPE supervisor about the possibility of doing a senior (research) residency as a part of the D.Min and she was very supportive so it was nice to talk to him about it as well. He was also very supportive and it's nice to have good people in my corner who are willing to do whatever it takes to make this a good experience for everyone involved!

After that conversation, I came to the realization that it was time to make some contact with the folks at the conference office and inquire about my current status and my options going forward. After a very positive meeting, I now know what is needed for me to get back into the process of things. Although there are some mixed emotions, for the most part I think that I am ready to start taking those steps.

I really have needed these past several months of rest, peace, and reflection to get to this place. I'm more excited about the prospects for the future than I am intimidated by them. I don't necessarily have a timeline for what I want and when I want it, but I can tell that is a huge sign of growth for me! For the first time, I feel like I'm finally doing something I'm really excited about doing because it's completely for me, not because someone or some group is telling me that I have to do it.

I know it will be a lot of hard work, but I also know that it is work that will all make a difference, both to others and to me!

A Season of Sabbath

Over the past several months, I have made a series of life and career-changing decisions. Remember my last word interaction with the Board of Ordained Ministry? Well, after the shock wore off and I was able to process everything I pretty quickly came to the understanding that this really was one of those messages from God that I couldn't ignore. Something had to change. It was time for me to take a step back from serving as clergy in the local church. Now, even though I knew that was the right decision, that doesn't mean that it didn't involve some serious pain and grief in the process of acting on it.

In February, I sent the letter to my district superintendent stating my plans to discontinue my service as a licensed local pastor. There was some seriously mixed emotions involved in that experience because I got absolutely no response or acknowledgement of this from the district office. Still, there was a certain sense of relief and freedom having done this.

In the middle of this, I applied for and was accepted to the Academy for Spiritual Formation. Our first session will be the first week of August. I've already started doing some reading and met some important people, so I'm looking forward to a great two years.

Last Sunday, I announced to my congregation that I would be leaving, which was a really difficult experience. Although there were plenty of smiles and hugs, there were also a lot of tears. Although I have two more months, I know those months will fly by before I know it.

This next season in my life will be one of rest and care for myself and allowing myself to be cared for and nurtured by others. It will also mean some firsts in our marriage, like finding a church home where we can both be connected, making friends our age in our community, and taking weekend trips for the heck of it! I am looking forward to it, but there is a little bit of fear of the unknown in these things!

In the weeks and months ahead, expect to hear more about how this season plays out!

For Such A Time As This

I got a phone call on Monday that has changed my life in a pretty profound way. I can't yet say whether or not it was for the best, but my hunch is that it is indeed for the best. I was told that I will not be interviewed by the board of ordained ministry this year. The pre-screening committee did not feel that my work was adequate. So I have been turned down. Again. I was encouraged to re-apply next year. But before you start preparing your "I'm so sorry!" comment, just take a step back with me for a moment.

You know the saying "When you make plans, God laughs"? Well, I know that over the course of my life I have given God quite a few giggles. And the truth of the matter is that my life has rarely gone the way I expected it to go or even planned for it to go. I honestly believe the only thing I have ever completely set my mind to doing and then done it is completing my B.A. in three years, but I also recognize that it wasn't simply my stubborn will that made that happen. Deep in my heart, I had a lot of plans for how I expected my life to go after school. Short of being married to Jeff, it hasn't even remotely resembled what I planned or expected.

I expected to be commissioned as a provisional elder in the North Alabama Conference by this point (or to be very close to it.) I expected to have a child by now. I expected to be in full-time ministry either as a pastor or a chaplain. I expected these three things to basically be frame around which the rest of my life was planned and built. I planned and prepared and did everything I could to make these things happen, but none of it has. And now I can't help but understand and accept that there's a reason for it.

There is not a doubt in my mind that I have been called by God to be a minister. However, I am questioning whether that calling can best be lived out in some way other than as an ordained elder in the North Alabama Conference. I know that everything I have done in my life up to this point I have done so that I could end up exactly where I am. And everything I have been unable to do has been for the same reason. Now, where am I going from here? I have no idea. But for once I really and truly am okay with not having that answer and not trying to figure it out. I have considered my options and I will be talking them over with some important people. But I am not trying to figure it all out right this second. That includes whether or not I will reapply next year because I honestly don't have a clue.

I watched Julie and Julia tonight. I downloaded it on my iTunes before we went on our cruise back in April but never did watch it. I'm really quite glad because it was exactly what I needed to hear and see right now. I was paying close attention and it was lovely. I have absolutely zero desire to do something like that, but there were some good, deep reflections about passion and motivation and relationship and all of those lessons were important ones!

For right now, I'm going to sleep. I'll worry about tomorrow when it actually arrives. I appreciate all the concern that has been shared over the years as I have traveled this journey. I know there are some of you who have hurt right along with me as I have stumbled along this path. But please keep your sympathy. I don't want to wallow or feel sorry for myself any longer than I already have. And I really don't want anyone else feeling sorry for me either. Feel free to send words or thoughts of support and encouragement, because that is the fuel that keeps me going.

Exhale

I have been a blogging slacker lately, and I want to apologize, but I just can't. Because my life has been consumed by something pretty darn important, more important than blogging. I've been getting my commissioning papers finished up. Overall, the process went much more smoothly this time and I was much more confident in what I submitted.

They increased the requirements on the theology and doctrine sections, so even my answers from before that were good had to be re-done because they had to be double the length. I had about 22 pages (single spaced) of theology stuff. Which means that when it was "properly formatted" to be turned in, I had a flipping book! The sad part is that most of my answers were closer to 600 words than 1000, which is the parameters that were set forth for us!

My goal for myself was NOT to be waiting until the last minute to get everything done. The "Called and Disciplined Life" section was the one I completed first, and got nothing but positive feedback from my liason when she read through it. That was actually one of the sections they were hardest on me about last time because my answers were so short. The directions are a bit vague, so I gave them 2-4 page total, not 2-4 pages per answer. I fixed it this time and feel really good about it.

The "Practice of Ministry" section was a little bit easier for me this time. I recorded several sermons and chose the one I thing was the best. There's always room for improvement (and of course some of my best ones weren't recorded) but I was pretty happy with it. My bible study was actually really enjoyable to re-work, which was a little bit surprising to me. The "pastoral care situation" was one from CPE, so it was almost an afterthought.

The "Theology and Doctrine" section was the hardest. They increased the requirements on that section, so even my answers from before that were good had to be re-done because they had to be double the length. I had about 23 pages (single spaced) of theology stuff. Which means that when it was "properly formatted" to be turned in, I had a flipping book! The sad part is that most of my answers were closer to 600 words than 1000, which is the parameters that were set forth for us! This was the last of the "big" writing that I got done. My goal was to get it done by the end of October. I actually finished on November 1st, but seeing as I had two days without the use of my computer, I'd count that as a win. It was still two weeks before everything was due!

I was pretty relieved to simply be done with the writing early, but I knew I wanted to give myself some time to get everything finished up and finalized so that all my i's would be dotted and my t's would be crossed and I could really exhale when it was all finished.

After the initial relief of "Whew! I'm done with two weeks to spare" (which wasn't exactly true) I was faced with going back to double and triple check everything. One thing I almost forgot was that I had a paper that had to be notarized! Oops! Thankfully that was a quick and easy fix! After that, the hardest part was waiting on the feedback from my board liaison so I could either make changes or print it all out and be done with it! I finally came to a point where I hadn't heard from her and knew I wanted to get everything in, so I decided to go with my gut and just use what I had. Despite everything it got done and I feel really good about it.

So what am I doing with myself for the rest of the year? Well, I'm going to wind myself down a bit. This week is kind of busy, but will conclude with Charge Conference on Saturday. After that, it's Thanksgiving week so that means family time! I've also got plans for a massage, a really nice date night with my Hubby, lots of Christmas craftiness, and a few hot dates wit Harry Potter and my other literary loves who have been rather neglected lately.

Ordained By God

Yesterday I was blessed to be able to watch my friend Lillian be ordained in the United Church of Christ. It was a wonderful, inspiring service and we had a great trip to Nashville to get to see so many friends for such a special event.

But ordination services like this make me sad. And a little angry. And very jealous.

I started out by writing this big long post that involved shedding lots of tears and making myself almost physically ill discussing the problems I have with the actual ordination (and related) services in the North Alabama Conference. But that didn't resolve anything or make me feel any better about myself or the whole situation. It is what it is. I can't change it. But what I can do is celebrate the wonderful thing that is ordination and all of us who have been called and set apart to do holy work.

Lillian's was the first non-Methodist ordination I have ever attended. I have heard all about and seen pictures of lots of other ordinations and related festivities so I have a little more than a basic understanding of how many other traditions function. And I have decided to construct my own ideal ordination service with bits and pieces from other services and celebrations from my life and the lives of my friends.

Location - Camp Sumatanga, the chapel on top of the mountain or Vesper Point, either would be fine. Chairs would probably be necessary either place.

Date - Sometime in late fall or early spring, before it gets too hot or too cold. Where there's just enough of a chill in the mountain breeze to make you feel alive and to remind you of the presence of the Holy Spirit.

Time - probably about 3pm - late enough that I am not incredibly rushed, but early enough that it's still light out and we can have a nice service and still finish up in time for dinner.

Participants - I would love to have all the people who have played a part in my hearing, understanding, and responding to my call to be there. As far as the actual service participants, I know my Bishop and DS will have to play a pretty big, important part, but I would also really love if Bishop Pennel and/or Dr. Meeks could play an active part as well. I would love for the sermon to come from either of them or Diane Blum. And maybe have Ted Amey or Bob Murray offer a prayer or read a scripture. I have a few in mind as options.

Flowers - yes I want there to be flowers, if not on the altar, at least around. Something bright, representative of the liturgical season, and maybe with a little splash of pink or yellow to make it representative of me.

Stole - I think I would want my stole to be hand-made. I would really love it if it could be made by someone I know and with a story or meaning behind it. Color is not important to me, although I have always been partial to the white instead of the red for ordinations. Lillian's was nice because it had all the colors in it. I would be ok with something like that.

Music - Nothing recorded. Obvious this is pretty much impossible anyway given the location. Maybe a guitar or a violin. Definitely a couple of traditional hymns, and maybe something semi-contemporary (but again, I'm picky).

Me - I want to wear my robe over my suit (or at least the skirt and top). If I say or do anything (besides my vows, obviously) I would probably want to read the prayer of St. Francis and perhaps tweak it a bit to make it my own. I want to help serve communion, I'm not sure who I would want to help though! I would want to bake the bread myself. I definitely don't want to have to preach!

Laying on of Hands - I loved that EVERY person had the chance DURING the service to come up and lay their hands on Lillian and offer her a prayer, blessing, or word of encouragement. I want that!

After - After the actual service, follow it with a party. Particularly, a big meal. A nice, semi-fancy sit-down dinner of fabulous food. I'm thinking maybe something with an italian flair. Lots and lots of good bread. And wine! Ooh, and something fantastic for dessert. Maybe lots of somethings.

I would want people to write me little notes of prayers, wishes, challenges, whatever so that I could have something to look back at and continue to be reminded of where I've been and where I'm going. I'd love to have those things made into a beautiful piece of artwork that I can look at every single day. I really like the idea of doing them on squares of cloth that can then be put together into a quilt, although the jar of stones Lillian had was also nice (although nothing was written on hers)

There is a provision in the UM Book of Worship for a service honoring an individual's ordination that is pretty darn similar (except without the vows) but I have never known anyone to have/use that service. I would love it, but it kind of feels like throwing your own party which I'm not sure I'm comfortable doing, but I suppose I have several years to get myself comfortable with the idea before it becomes a serious concern anyway!

Processing, Part Two

I covered most of the basics in Part One, so I won't go into a lot of detail about some of the various steps. I will try to avoid using acronyms and "speaking methodist" too much, but I can't promise anything!

I started the process of ordination when I was 17. I knew I was called into ordained ministry and knew the process was rather long and involved so I wanted to get going with it! I couldn't see why waiting would benefit me at all. I got through my first two steps pretty quickly and met with my first DCOM when I was 18, just before I started my second semester at Birmingham-Southern. At that point the districts were a little different than they are today and I was a part of the Decatur district. I was told that, since I was at BSC, they wanted to get me a candidacy mentor in Birmingham, and preferred that it be a female (which I appreciated). Well, unfortunately Birmingham had two whole districts to itself, which meant two other District Superintendents and two other DCOMs. And somewhere in this I got lost in the shuffle. I ceased to exist in this process for a little over two years. I tried asking the people I knew to ask, but nobody seemed to know exactly who was supposed to have my file or be responsible for me.

I knew that once I started divinity school I had to really kick it into high gear. And within the first week or two I wrote a note to the only person I could think of that was relatively neutral and might have an answer for me. She happened to be serving as assistant to the Bishop at that point. And she did indeed have answers and got things moving for me. When I asked her if I should transfer my candidacy to Tennessee since that's where I was in school and since nobody in North Alabama seemed to want to claim me, she immediately responded that I was indeed wanted and North Alabama would be more than happy to claim me. Within 24 hours I had an e-mail from the Bishop himself, and within two weeks I had my candidacy mentor assigned. If I'd known that would work, I would have done that two years earlier!

Things moved relatively smoothly from there. It was slower than we would have liked, but I knew that was pretty much par for the course and continued on. It took a little over a year before I could meet with my DCOM because they only meet and interview once a year and I didn't have all my requirements completed the first time around so I had to wait. (The thing that wasn't done was my psych evaluation which WASN'T my fault!)

I was a certified candidate for two years. I was interviewed after the first year and then told I wasn't expressing my theology clearly enough and that I had to wait another year. I wasn't particularly satisfied with this. Not because I have anything against their reasoning or their decision but because I was offered no more details, constructive criticism, or guidance. I understand why I was deferred, because the theology section of that interview was a disaster. However, I felt as though the interview was not fair, that I was attacked and not able to complete the answer to one question before they were firing three others at me, and that the interview material was all rather arbitrary and not very well organized. That changed in the next year, which I think helped everyone involved!

I was approved by my DCOM in September and submitted my papers in November. I was interviewed by the BoOM on Monday. The interview retreat was an interesting experience. On the one hand it was an absolute nightmare just because (as one spouse put it) it's the biggest interview of our careers. On the other hand it was nice to have so many people to share it with. It was nice to see classmates from BSC and Vanderbilt I hadn't seen or talked to in quite a while. Plus I met several new people and it was nice to make those connections.

I felt like the interview went well, but I also know the Conference is at an odd place that means navigating some new waters. That includes how they handle the interviews and making decisions about who is commissioned and who isn't. Rather than finding out immediately whether or not we would be approved for commissioning, we had to go home and wait four very long days. They seemed to get slower the closer we got to the end of the week and the scheduled time of 8am-12pm Friday.

I got my phone call at about 8:03am. I knew as soon as I answered the phone what it was going to be. My "request for provisional ministry was denied." I'm not surprised. And I actually feel pretty good about it. Amazingly, it was empowering. Because I'm no longer putting my life on hold for this process. I'm not compromising my personal life for my professional life. I've already given up too much of myself.

I have been called by God. I AM a minister. I still respect the process and agree to work within it, but I will not let it limit me and the person I will become. Ministry is more than just a job. It's more than just what I do to make money. But it's not the only thing that defines my identity. And all these other parts will help me be a better minister.

The only place to go from here is forward!

Processing, Part One

I know some that read this are familiar with the process of ordination in the United Methodist Church and may even be going through it. But I know that there are probably more that are not, so I'd like to take a moment to explain a little bit about what is happening in my life and making me a bit on the crazy side lately. This is a general overview of the process. Part Two will contain more information about my personal journey through this process, so if you're only interested in that part come back tomorrow!

Once a person feels that he/she has been called by God into ordained ministry, they enter a stage known as candidacy. The first thing to do is read a short book called "The Christian as Minister" that explains the various ways the church can be served and the role of the ordained minister in it all, as well as a brief history of ordination in the UMC and the various roles that go along with the titles.

After that the candidate has to find a minister as an "unofficial" mentor to help me fill out and work through a rather large spiral bound workbook. Typically this is a minister from their home church. The only requirement is that they have been through the process and be a member of the clergy.

After this was done a paper was submitted to the district committee on ordained ministry (DCOM). The candidate usually has to meet with the DCOM and explain why they feel called to ordained ministry. It was then their responsibility to assign a candidacy mentor to help work through the "dreaded" big blue notebook (which is basically a slightly more detailed version of the purple workbook). This is where I ran into trouble, but I'll explain that later.

After the candidacy mentor is assigned, you work through the notebook, begin (or continue) to fulfill the educational requirements, be approved by the local church's staff-parish relations committee (SPRC), complete a psychological evaluation, and obtain several recommendations, and meet with the district committee once again. I'm sure there are a few other things that got slipped into the stacks of paperwork, but it escapes me at this point.

After all the requirements were met at that stage, you must appear before the DCOM and be interviewed once again. At that point you can be granted the status of "Certified Candidate". You must be a certified candidate for at least one year before the district committee can recommend you to the conference Board of Ordained Ministry (BoOM).

Once you are recommended to the BoOM, you have to write a lot of papers and complete a lot of assignments that cover three major categories - Theology & Doctrine, The Called & Disciplined Life, and The Practice of Ministry. After all this work is submitted (along with other papers including financial disclosure, health forms, and more recommendations) you are called before the BoOM and are interviewed.

If you exhibit appropriate readiness for ministry and are approved by the BoOM you are then commissioned as a Probationary Elder. I know "probationary" isn't the appropriate term anymore, but it's what I'm used to saying. You enter a program of education, supervision, guidance, and support for two to three years that is now known as Resident in Ministry (RIM). The length of time required for this stage depends on the Book of Discipline under which you are commissioned.

As you near the end of the required time for your RIM or probationary period, you must submit more papers in the same basic categories (although they are different questions!) and once again be interviewed by the BoOM. If you are determined to be appropriately effective in your ministry you are the approved for ordination in full connection.

There are two basic paths of ordination - deacon and elder. Deacons are ordained to a ministry of word and service. Their primary task is connecting the church with the world. This is done in a variety of ways. There are so many fantastic deacons working in wonderful ministries I won't even pretend I can even scratch the surface in listing them. Elders are ordained to word, order, service, and sacrament. They are typically your pastors of churches and the ones people think of when they think of a minister. They can officiate over the sacraments (communion and baptism) as well as at weddings and funerals.

I won't lie. This process is very trying at times. There are times when I really dislike it. But I do respect it. I recognize that, for the most part, it works and has continued this way as long as it has because it is important and effective. And much like competing in a marathon, there's a certain level of pride and relief that comes with the completion of such an endeavor!

Stay tuned for Part Two, which will contain some insight into my personal experience in this process.