Moving Forward

This week has been a busy one for me, particularly in the professional realm.

First, I was on call at Children's on Sunday. It was a long, busy day and it really took a toll on me. I know it's part of the job, but it's still tough.

On Monday, I had a meeting in Atlanta with some folks at McAfee to talk about D.Min stuff. Although it wasn't exactly what I was expecting and I wasn't as on top of my game as I would have liked, it was generally a good experience and I came away very excited about the whole prospect.

After that, I had the chance to talk to the pastoral care department director at UAB. I'd already talked to my former CPE supervisor about the possibility of doing a senior (research) residency as a part of the D.Min and she was very supportive so it was nice to talk to him about it as well. He was also very supportive and it's nice to have good people in my corner who are willing to do whatever it takes to make this a good experience for everyone involved!

After that conversation, I came to the realization that it was time to make some contact with the folks at the conference office and inquire about my current status and my options going forward. After a very positive meeting, I now know what is needed for me to get back into the process of things. Although there are some mixed emotions, for the most part I think that I am ready to start taking those steps.

I really have needed these past several months of rest, peace, and reflection to get to this place. I'm more excited about the prospects for the future than I am intimidated by them. I don't necessarily have a timeline for what I want and when I want it, but I can tell that is a huge sign of growth for me! For the first time, I feel like I'm finally doing something I'm really excited about doing because it's completely for me, not because someone or some group is telling me that I have to do it.

I know it will be a lot of hard work, but I also know that it is work that will all make a difference, both to others and to me!

Nesting

I've heard about the idea of nesting in several different ways throughout my life. Most of the time, it refers to creating a safe, warm, comfortable space. Generally, it involves physical space. The two most common ways I've heard about nesting is setting up a house and decorating, or cleaning and preparing for the arrival of a child. But lately I've come to understand nesting in a broader sense of making preparations. I've heard the writing of birth plans and even advance directives called "a special kind of nesting" referring to creating that environment of love, care, and comfort for someone. It's about transitions in all different forms.

I have found myself doing a unique form of nesting of my own lately. I'm facing a big transition with the end of CPE. In addition to all the emotions of leaving that community and those responsibilities, I'm facing these wide open days with lots of possibilities and very little direction. I'm not a very good "fly by the seat of my pants" kind of person, so I need some structure.

In addition to the change of having time on my hands, this will be a big change because I will be at home all day by myself, which has never been the case since we have lived in this house! Jeff lost his job right after we moved, so even before CPE, he was always here with me! As much as I love spending time with him and having him help with stuff around the house, I do miss being able to do things for him like have dinner waiting when he gets home or doing the shopping and taking care of the errands so that we don't have to do the "work" stuff on the weekends!

I've had lists and plans and schedules on my mind for a while now. I guess that is my own form of nesting. Of preparing my space, both physical and mental, for a change. Whether I stick to these plans or modify them is yet to be seen, but that really isn't the point either. Making plans is like a security blanket for me. It makes me feel as though I have some control over all that's happening in my life, even when I know I really don't.

It's still a month away, but I've already got several lists/plans going. Meal plans, grocery lists, chore schedules, and I'm sure plenty of other things will surface as well. In the meantime, I'm sure I'l come up with plenty of other things to plan and prepare for! And if you need anything planned for you, let me know!

Goodbye July!

I can't believe July is already over (or will be at midnight tonight!) Yikes! It's a little bit crazy.

Residency is continuing to go well. I'm doing an ethics presentation this week on Pediatric Consent/Assent/Dissent. I'm pretty excited. I think I've outdone myself this time! Next week I'm doing another one on a book called "When Parents Say No" about refusing treatment on the basis of religious convictions. I'm pretty stoked.

Jeff still hasn't found a permanent job. There's a chance he could go back to Nafco for a little while, so that'll be nice. I know he enjoys working with them. Heck, he enjoys working period. I totally understand it!

We have been enjoying being crafty lately. Jeff built me a beautiful workbench as an early birthday gift and as a result I have moved into the garage. It's actually quite a nice work space. I spent several hours down there today. Now if I could just find a stool with wheels on it I'd be set. I've been working on flowers for hair clips. I didn't intend to do as many as I have, but you know how I get when I'm on a roll. I made about 50 today. I should put the finishing touches on several tomorrow. Jeff has a project of his own that he's working on, but I'll wait a while before I tell you about that!

There really isn't a whole heck of a lot that's been happening, but it's quite nice. I like having life settling into a routine. Too bad it's all going to get shaken up again before too long!

Bragging a Little

Back in the fall, someone from UAB magazine came to do a profile on the CPE program since it was being revived. We were interviewed and photos were taken and we waited and waited to hear when it would be published, but nothing ever came. Well, we all kind of figured we got scrapped in favor of a "juicier" story. Well, yesterday one of the staff chaplains came in with the newest edition of the UAB Magazine and there in a lovely little two page spread was US! I even got quoted. It was pretty cool. If you have a few minutes, check it out!

Spirit of Service

ACPE National Conference 2011

I don't know what possessed me, but I decided it would be a good idea to attend the ACPE national conference in Salt Lake City. I thought it would be cool. I mean really, how often would I get the chance to do something like this? Plus, I'm seriously considering doing supervisory CPE so the chance to do a little networking at the conference never hurt anyone!

I flew out with my classmate Leigh Ann who was kind enough to agree to share a hotel room with me also! Her classmate from seminary, Yvonne, stayed with us also, so it was fun to have a few partners in crime while we were out there.

Because I was later registering I honestly didn't expect to get into a workshop I was interested in, but I did! It was on narrative theology, which was very exciting. The workshop itself was pretty good, but I got the impression that the person leading/teaching it had never really done this before because the other members of the class seemed to take more of a lead in it. Even though most of it was geared toward being used as a supervisor (I think I was the only person who wasn't a supervisor in that group!) I definitely saw some implications for working with patients as well!

The best part about being there as a student was that we weren't on any committees so we didn't have to go to those meetings and had some good down time to hang out and explore. Our hotel was about half a mile from the Mormon temple and all the surrounding buildings, so I knew I wanted to do some exploring around there. The weather was supposed to be cooler than at home (but then again, almost anywhere is going to be cooler than home!) and rainy, but I was hopeful that I'd get to do some exploring anyway. Sadly, it was not only rainy, it SNOWED most of the time! Seriously? It actually wasn't too bad and it was kind of neat. We did get to do a little exploring around the Temple Square when we went to hear the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. That was stinking amazing! Loved it! I definitely would like to go back and see more of the visitor's centers and generally poke around some more. The general scenery of the mountains was just amazing! I was seriously in awe every time I stepped outside and saw these beautiful, snow-capped peaks as the backdrop to everything!

I decided to leave the computer at home since internet access wasn't free, and instead did all my work "the old fashioned way" with a pen and a notebook! Isn't that such a novel idea? Yes, it made me slow down a little bit and I probably lost a few thoughts I would have liked to have captured that I probably could have gotten if I was typing, but it really did free me a bit! I wasn't totally cut off from technology. I still checked my e-mails on my phone and there was a computer in the hotel I could use, but it was nice to not have the distraction of just fooling around. I took some CPE reading with me (aren't I a good student?) but I was pretty much "roughing it" when it comes to distractions. That was good for me. I did get some work done, and also a little pleasure reading thanks to the kindle app on my phone (which pleasure reading is a self-care goal for this unit, so technically that gets work credit too!)

It was a wonderful trip and I really enjoyed it. My only regret was not taking Jeff! Next year the conference will be in Arlington, VA so we may try to make a little mini-vacation out of it if I am able to go! I am also certain I want to go back to Salt Lake City at some point just for fun, because it really was a beautiful place and I enjoyed my time there.

Moving On Up!

Our first unit for the residency ended in early February and as we prepared to move into our second unit, we were told that we would have to meet with a consultation committee to assess whether we will remain at Level I or move into Level II.

Basically, the difference in Level I and II is that they used to be distinguished as "basic" and "advanced". All they represent is that once you have a pretty good handle on the "competencies" (translated: professional skills) of Level I you move onto working on a more demanding set of competencies. You have to have a good handle on all of them for board certification. Consultation committee is, in itself, good practice for board certification simply because we have to go through a similar process for certification.

Well, the whole process of meeting with the consultation committee was less than enjoyable. Getting ready for it and getting all the materials together was incredibly anxiety producing for me because I didn't get to put as much time and energy into some things as I wanted. Alas, it got done. The interview itself went pretty well. Again, there was some challenging going on but that was to be expected. I walked away from it feeling pretty good but was just thrilled to be done and to be going home for the weekend to pamper myself a bit!

Well, when I got back to work, I saw my supervisor and she told me that overall everyone did very well during our consultation committee, which was good to know. Even better, it was recommended that I move on to Level II and it was suggested that I am actually already functioning at Level II. For someone who really struggles with professional inadequacy, that is really huge! At the end of the day, the committee only makes a recommendation and it's up to our supervisor whether to give us Level I or Level II credit, but I know her goal was to pretty much have us all working on Level II so I'm glad that's possible.

This also puts me right on track in case I decide I want to do a supervisory residency, which is now an option floating not to far from my mind. We'll see what happens at the ACPE conference and how the next unit and a half goes, but just maybe I'm getting the hang of this CPE stuff after all!

Friday Five - Spiritual Disciplines

Today's Friday Five asks us to share about five spiritual disciplines that we have tried or used. This seems especially timely for me because I am looking for new disciplines that I can experience and integrate into my own practice. This is also a part of CPE right now and we are looking at different disciplines as a part of group spiritual direction. So here are my five.

Centering Prayer - I've read/heard about using centering prayer before, but never really experienced it until recently through Spiritual Direction. It has been a bit of a challenge but I've enjoyed practicing it. I'm looking forward to see what comes of it in the future.

Journaling - This is probably the discipline I've used for the longest and the most consistently. I've been using it as a spiritual discipline since before I knew what spiritual disciplines are. Even now, journaling is a very powerful experience for me and I expect that it will continue to be this way for many years to come.

Prayer Beads - I first learned about ways of using prayer beads in high school at summer camp when my counselor made some for all of us and we used them during our cabin prayer time at night. Later, I made some for myself and for friends. Now I have a couple of rosaries that I use for the same purpose. I don't use this discipline as much anymore, but still cherish it and will pull it out on occasion.

Tai Chi - This came as a part of a music appreciation class I took in college. Even though it wasn't specifically taught as a spiritual discipline, I used it and enjoyed it. I miss using this and I'm hoping that I can eventually find my notes about it and get back into it. If I can't find my notes I'm sure I will find some other way of getting information about it, but it will definitely take a back seat to other things!

Lectio Divina - I'd heard the term and knew it was "spiritual reading", but never really experienced it until earlier this year when it was used as part of a conference I attended. The thing that really struck me was that the conference facilitators made the decision to use a poem rather than scripture because, as they put it, "for ministers, scripture is more a tool of the trade" and the temptation was there to think about how to preach/teach the verse, not listen to it and experience it. I have since begun using the process for both scripture and other readings and found it very meaningful. This one is probably my favorite at the moment!

I know I have been neglecting my self-care updates, but I've been staying on top of it. I'm still seeing my therapist weekly, and I'm enjoying using spiritual direction and making self-care an educational priority. Tomorrow I'm going to spend the day taking care of myself - getting a new haircut, manicure, and pedicure then having lunch at my favorite deli!

The How

I've been turning some stuff over in my head recently, so rather than trying to process it internally like a normal, rational person I'm going to try and make sense of it all here. Feel free to stop reading here.

I will go ahead and put the disclaimer that I'm going to be talking religion in somewhat specific terms, so please recognize that these are entirely my personal beliefs and not representative of anyone or anything except me and my slightly crazy mind!

There are millions of people in the world. And I would venture that, at some point or another, my path will cross with lots of those folks. However the number of meaningful interactions will probably be substantially smaller. And I already know that a good deal of these interactions will involve diversity of just about every kind imaginable, but right now I'm thinking specifically about religious diversity. Some of it is simply a byproduct of my career, but some of it is also simply who I am and the people with whom I choose to associate.

For the most part, I know what I believe. If required, I can break it down for you. I can quote a variety of affirmations of faith (or at the very least reference them accurately!) but I can do it with passion and conviction because they are things that I believe. And there are some things that I might have a hard time even reciting in a worship service because I simply don't agree with them. And I think having a good sense of what you as an individual believes is important. One of my slightly sarcastic statements has always been that it's called a "PERSONAL" faith for a reason, and while tradition and family and culture and community all play a role in the development of your beliefs, they ultimately have to be YOUR beliefs to have any meaning.

I still stand by that statement, but there is oh so much more to it than simply knowing what you believe. In fact, in the grand scheme of things, that part is kind of the basement of your house. It's the foundation. For some it is bigger and deeper than others. A lot of folks won't ever see it, and they may take for granted its existence at all. What you do with that space is ultimately up to you. But like I said, it's just the start. Unfortunately, this is where too many people stop. They have their list of doctrinal statements and famous quotations and official policies and choose to leave it at that. And that is really a shame, because there is so much potentially rich and beautiful dialogue that can take place when you don't just look at the water, but you dive into it (even if only in the shallow end to start with!) The foundation may shift and settle a bit, it may even undergo some pretty extensive renovation, but that renovation has to be undertaken carefully because it WILL have an impact on everything else. Ultimately, if there are too many problems here and not enough of the pieces line up, everything else will come crashing down and you'll have to start over.

The second part is the part that I emphasize when I teach, especially when I teach young people who have a pretty good sense of the first part (or at least enough healthy curiosity to keep them motivated along that journey). The second part is understanding "Why?" Now, from a counseling perspective, "why" can be a dangerous question. It's human nature to get a little defensive when this question is posed, especially depending on the tone with which it is asked and the context in which it is asked. But a little agitation and confrontation are necessary and very helpful, and I feel like this questions is essential. And as you do the work of the first part, you sort of naturally work out this second part. And if you have done a little too much coasting in the first part, you'll know it when you get to this part.

I tell kids and adults alike that I don't mind if you disagree with me, so long as you can defend your position. I am happy to engage in respectful dialogue with you, but I expect it to be an intelligent and informed discussion, and "because my pastor said so" or "because a book says so" is not an acceptable answer to any question of why YOU believe what you do. I don't want to argue for the sake of arguing and I don't have to be right, but don't expect me to change my mind about my position right away. It's not an attack on your beliefs or an attempt to prove that your thoughts are inferior in some way. I genuinely want to understand. This is the framing for your house. This is the basic form around which all the other stuff will be shaped and held. This is where your floor plan is outlined and your opening are initially created. And once this part is constructed, it can be changed without having to tear down the whole thing, so long as you take into consideration the way all the other parts support the part you want to change, and consider the parts being supported by the piece you want to take out or move.

Now, I said all that to say this: Recently I have been playing around with a new piece - the HOW of belief. Now, asking someone "How do you believe?" can be tricky. Because really the question is "How do you share/show what you believe?" I have generally stayed away from this question because when I was growing up, in the battle of the big denominations (Methodists vs. Baptists in my hometown) that was not something "we" did. ("We" was the Methodists) We don't "do" witnessing. We don't beat people over the head with salvation. We don't try to convert people We just don't do that. In fact, it was the doing of those things that is what made "them" our opposition.

I understand now that this knee-jerk reaction of mine is rather limited. But unfortunately it's the same one that many people experience. However, let me state very clearly - THERE IS MUCH MORE TO SHARING WHAT YOU BELIEVE THAN SIMPLY SAYING IT! In fact, if you really want to get the message across, verbal communication is probably the least effective way to do it! So if you can't TELL people, how do you let them know what you believe? How do you preach the gospel and use words only when necessary? Well, the "Sunday School" answer to this one is to show them by the way you live! Sure it's great to be able to recite a creed with passion, but isn't it more important to live the faith? Isn't it more important to show the love of God than to simply tell someone "God loves you."?

I'm still trying to figure out what this means for me. On the one hand, this is exactly what I do every day at the hospital. When I am reading stories to a small child who is lonely and scared or listening to a staff member tell me how upsetting it is to be yelled at for something he/she couldn't do, or simply sit by the bed of an elderly patient so he/she won't wake up alone, I am showing what I believe about love and care for everyone. But what about when I leave my "official" role as minister? What about when I'm driving home? Or in the grocery store? Or out at dinner with my husband? I'd love to say I do it there too, and I'm sure sometimes I do. But I'm also sure there are more times that I don't. And I need to work on that.

So what does the how look like in your life, regardless of what you believe? Do you think people would guess what you believe based on the way you act? And how does that make you feel?

Friday Five - Books

I am not digging this whole working on Friday thing (and thus, not getting my Friday Five done in a timely manner!) I think I'm going to have to start taking my laptop to work with me on Fridays and working on it over my lunch break. But enough griping...

Today's Friday Five touches on another of my all-time favorite topics - books! I generally can't get enough books, and it's been this way for as long as I can remember. Even when I was young, my brother and cousins would get toy airplanes and other stuff for Christmas, and all I would want is a stack of books. My grandmother would usually feel bad that I didn't have any toys, so she would get me the same thing she got the guys, but it usually went un-touched (or the guys would take it after one of theirs broke!) because all I wanted was my books!

What books have you recently read? Tell us your opinion of them. Unfortunately, I haven't done a ton of pleasure reading lately, most of it has been my texts for CPE. One fun one I found as a free Kindle download that I've really enjoyed was "Stuck in the Middle" by Virginia Smith. It's a little bit cheesy and predictable, but doesn't require a whole lot of mental investment to enjoy it. It's the first of a trilogy so I will probably get the others soon.

What books are awaiting your available time to be read? The newest one by Jan Karon, the new one or two by Joanne Fluke, the second of the "Miss Julia" books, and anything Janet Evanovich might be coming out with. Also, the next two of the Virginia Smith trilogy. I'm keeping a good list of stuff I want to get before vacation in April! I have a few leftovers from my last beach vacation in September that I haven't gotten to and one of the Mrs. Murphy mysteries my step-mom gave me, but none of them are really tugging at me right now. Harry Potter is somewhere on the radar, but I may put that one in my audio book list!

Have any books been recently recommended? The Resilient Practitioner, which is a guide for self-care for those in the "high touch" professions. It's more work reading than pleasure reading, but I enjoyed what I saw of it and am looking forward to digging into it more in the weeks to come.

Also, Hinds Feet on High Places. It's not something I would have chosen for myself, but I'm enjoying it none the less. It's going to take me a little time to get through it because it's not "fluff" and it's very thought provoking, but I can see this becoming an important part of my personal library. I still haven't decided if I can say I am enjoying it or simply appreciating it.

What genre of books are your favorites, along with some titles/authors you enjoy? I don't know if I necessarily have a favorite genre, but I classify them as "fluff" because they are typically fiction and don't require a whole lot of attention or intentional engagement. Right now my favorites are Jan Karon, Janet Evanovich, and Joanne Fluke. I'd love to get back into reading some stuff by Beverly Lewis and maybe even more Nicholas Sparks. But for now, I will stick to whatever I have the time and/or funds for (which right now is not much on either account!)

What have you read lately that you have a strong urge to recommend? Nothing really jumping out at me right now. Like I said, most everything has been pastoral care texts. If you need some thoughts on those, let me know!

Bonus thoughts: Are you a book purist or do you embrace the digital? I got my Kindle about 3 years ago when they were brand new. And I have really loved it. My husband loves the fact that it's that many less books he has to try and find a home for or move! I have since gotten the Kindle app for my computer (not ideal, but it works) and my iPhone. I ADORE having it on my phone because I always have something to read. Waiting just about anywhere doesn't really bother me anymore because I am never bored! Have to sit for an hour at the restaurant waiting for a table? No problem! Gonna be 45 more minutes at the oil change place? Fine! Stuck in an elevator at work? Doesn't bother me a bit! The only down side is that I can't (ok, won't) use it for professional stuff. I like to be able to make my notes in the margins and put my sticky notes in and spread it out in front of me while I work. I still love beautiful, classic hardback books. And children's/picture books MUST be "real" books, but for my own stuff, digital is the way to go for me!

Self Care for the Week - Therapy on Wednesday. This week was good, but hard. I'm curious about the way next week will go. It sort of feels like watching a wreck on the highway. You know it's going to be messy but you can't help but be interested!

I'm Melting

I'm melting. Mentally. Emotionally. Spiritually. And in many ways, it's a relief. I've allowed myself to become frozen solid by my journey. It was absolutely necessary and helpful. Because when I was frozen, all this "stuff" that was floating around without structure or support, trying to find a place, became solid. It combined and held together. A lot of stuff went into the creation of the iceberg.

I was resilient. Stuff could bounce off of me. Even when a portion of me was sinking, I was still able to float. To move. To be influenced. I was solid. I was strong. I couldn't be destroyed. But I was holding on to so much. Some of it was good and some of it was gross. And even when I appeared to be great, there was still all this stuff buried inside. You might be able to see a little edge of something, a little piece. But for the most part it was hidden.

I'll never completely melt. I'll never go back to that state of mess and chaos. But I'm softening. Parts of me are melting. The stuff that had been buried is slowly being exposed. And some of that nasty stuff is falling away. The parts that are melting are letting that water run down and create new paths, new patterns, new ways of appearing and of being.

I got probably the greatest compliment ever today. It wasn't even phrased as a compliment. It was an amusing story. The compliment of it was not just sort of a fact of the story. But it was the first time I'd heard it. And I really thought I was going to cry because I was so touched! And my head is still sort of swimming from it.

I'm melting. Softening. Being re-shaped. It's glorious.

Friday Five

Today's Friday Five invites us to share five things that made getting out of bed worthwhile this morning. I'll admit it, it was a tough thing this morning!

My new book: Technically it's not mine, I'm only borrowing it for the week. But I'm really getting into it and there is the distinct possibility that I will finish it during the week I have it. I'll say more about it in a few weeks in my post on my second unit of CPE.

Being on call: I love my job, and I love being on call. It's kind of ironic that, as I started, being on call was the thing that TERRIFIED me the most. Now it's one of my favorite parts of the job.

Music: Driving to and from work (when snow and ice aren't involved) is actually kind of enjoyable for me. I have some good music on my phone that helps give me some good "me" time.

The weekend: I knew that the sooner I got up and went to work, the sooner I could come home to a day completely off!

Bright ideas: I have started keeping a list of things that might make some good research work for me in the event that I do decide to do a Level II residency. It makes it harder for my supervisor to say no when it's a research project that she suggested! I'm enjoying doing some of the preliminary research just to find out what is there (and the more often I find nothing, the more excited I get about the possibility of actually coming up with something to publish!)

Self Care for the Week: Therapy on Wednesday - I really do look forward to my appointments and I hate when I can't engage the way I want to, so I'm glad this week was better than last. I found out about some good things, and there's lots of good stuff on the horizon, so that is exciting.

Tough Stuff

CPE has officially entered the "tough stuff" phase. I am eternally grateful that our group had some time to "live into" what it would mean to share this space and this role for the next year. That we were able to take some time to build relationships and build trust before being thrust into some of these very difficult situations. I feel a special, although different, connection with each person and it has been helpful in understanding myself and my group.

But now that the introduction is over, the tough stuff has arrived. And some folks are having a harder time than others. I am having a really hard time with getting attached. I haven't had quite the same issues I had in the past with establishing my role or building relationships with people, which has been a little bit surprising. On the one hand it has been great that, not only can I see myself as a chaplain without any strings attached, but that others can see me and accept me in that role. But that has also been a painful thing to have happen. Because, although losing any patient is difficult, losing one with whom you have a relationship can be especially hard.

I never thought I would enjoy working in an emergency room or in a unit that is constantly in and out like surgery. I always thought that the constant in and out, the stacks of initial visits with very few follow-ups would be frustrating. And I'm sure it is. But I feel that there is a certain amount of safe distance that is automatic in some of these settings. I know that everything I am facing is helping me to learn and to grow. And it really is very good learning and growing that is happening. But it still stinking hurts!

I still love working with children and families. I still feel a special connection to pediatrics and want to learn, grow, and explore in that area. But I'm not sure if cardiology is what I want to do. At the same time, I hear all my peers expressing similar frustrations with their units, and I'm not sure what would be better! Maybe it's simply the newness of it all. I know there isn't a perfect situation that will be without difficulties and frustrations, but it still makes it hard when we are trying to figure out where/how we want our careers to go/grow!

Feels Like Home

I started writing this on the Thursday night during my first overnight call. Then, my Friday Five from last week was all about connections and it was nice to reflect in those ways, but I was exhausted and not thinking clearly as I tried to process everything so I wanted to elaborate on some things.

UAB is feeling more and more like a second home to me. I'm oddly comfortable here. My mom spent many months as a patient here, so I spent a lot of time here. I can walk the path from the 4th Avenue parking deck to Spain Rehab without even thinking. In fact, if I'm not careful, I will go right past where I'm supposed to be headed if I let my mind wander because it's like autopilot.

I have been surprised by the number of people I know who are employees here now. It's nice to turn a corner and see a familiar face. And as I spend more time here, more faces are becoming familiar. I'm already starting to build relationships with staff members on the different units, especially the units I cover on a regular basis. It's nice. It's comforting. It's homey.

There are still some times when I am self-conscious about where I am and why I am there. When I walk the back hallways, using my badge to unlock doors that are closed to others or that would otherwise require authorization, I still feel as though I'm doing something I shouldn't be doing, even though I know this isn't the case. It's really not such a different experience from when we first moved into our house, and I felt as though I was somewhere I shouldn't be until everything settled in. It's sort of like breaking in a new pair of shoes. It takes a little while for everything to fit just right, but you can definitely tell when it's starting to happen.

I'm excited about what the coming months will bring. I'm sad that it's now only a little over 11 months until my residency ends. I am already starting to really care about the people with whom I work (and on some level, live) and knowing that this is a temporary thing is not going to make it any easier when I have to leave! A year seems like a long time when you start out, but it really goes very quickly!

Sharing

My CPE group has been getting along very well. Things are starting to pick up in terms of busy-ness and intensity and emotions, just as they should. We are starting to become more familiar with one another and our likes and dislikes, and it's been great. In celebration of our group and in an attempt to get me back in the swing of cooking, I decided to make my Chicken Curry for everyone at lunch time. It was a wonderful afternoon of food and fellowship around the table where we will be spending so very many hours over the course of this next year.

After lunch, one of my classmates made a comment about how much she appreciated my sharing this with everyone. I simply responded that I was happy to have people to cook for, because for me half of the joy of cooking is getting to share the fruits of my labor. And she then mentioned that she had recently had a visit in which they had discussed how frustrating it must be to have a gift and have no one with whom to share it. At first it sort of boggled my mind that she would make that connection. Because I'm thinking spiritual gifts or talents, and I can't see a crock pot of chicken falling into those categories!

And as that idea kept marinating in my mind, I had to really ask myself "What does it mean to have a gift?" Because I admire lots of gifts in lots of people. The ability to take beautiful photos. A fabulous sense of humor. An exceptionally compassionate heart. The ability to make kick butt baked goods. The ability to be handy and fix things. A spirit of adventure and an ability to try new things. The creativity for amazing artistic expressions. These are all things I aspire towards. And I know that deep down, I have gifts to share. But I have a really hard time naming those.

Maybe it isn't such a stretch to think that food may be one of my gifts. Not in the way that a gourmet chef is gifted, but perhaps as an extension (or manifestation of) the desire to connect people, to facilitate the building of relationships and my compulsion to take care of people. It has indeed been frustrating to not be able to create something and share that something with someone! In fact, without having someone to share it with, there really is no motivation to create.

Of course, in pondering this, I also began to think about what it means to share. As grown-ups, we use the word "sharing" to generally mean the same thing as giving of oneself. But when we attempt to teach the concept as children or try to think about the definition, we equate it to "taking turns", which involves both giving and receiving. I think we lose something in forgetting what it is to also receive as a part of the act of sharing. Maybe it doesn't happen right away or you don't receive the same thing in return, but you are still sharing. It's something I will continue to think on.

So now that I've had my turn to give my thoughts, it's your turn! (See how this works?) What do you think about in terms of sharing? What gifts do you have to share? How do you like to share them?

Organ Donation

I know that some people have serious issues surrounding organ and tissue donation, but I can't resist the urge to share a little of what I have learned about the subject.

Organ and tissue donation are NOT the same thing! Less than 1% of people who die qualify to be organ donors. However, LOTS of people qualify to be bone or tissue donors. You can be one or both. In Alabama, you can agree when you get your driver's license renewed and/or sign up online!

The major organs that can be transplanted are heart, lung, liver, kidneys, pancreas, and intestines.

Tissues that can be donated include corneas, muscle, skin, and bone. There are lots of different parts of these, but since I am not yet a fluent speaker of medical, just trust me on this one!

NO major world religion objects to organ donation. Many will not come out and say "yes, you should donate" in some sort of official statement (although there are some that do!), but all acknowledge it as a generous and self-less act of compassion towards others.

Legally, in many states, your next of kin does NOT have to consent to donation if you have signed the equivalent of an advance directive (a donor card, driver's license, or online register). However, in Alabama as well as some other states, if your family objects the doctors will not go against the wishes of your family so it is STILL important to have those conversations with your family if you wish to be a donor. This isn't the case in all states and some states will go against the wishes of your family if you have agreed but they object.

Your will not receive sub-standard care if you are a donor so that someone can take your organs. If you or your family do make the decision to donate, there is no cost to your or your family. Donation should not delay any preparations for a funeral.

For more information, please check out the Alabama Organ Center, the United Network for Organ Sharing (UNOS), the Alabama Eye Bank,

So, um...

I was all set to post a lovely entry tonight on the Southern Women's Show. I had a wonderful time last year and have been looking forward to it. I was actually pretty stoked when my hospital schedule worked out for me to be off Friday and I figured that would be the perfect chance. My mother-in-law wanted to go with me so we were all set to have some girl time, but sadly other things got in the way. Plus, I felt pretty awful Friday and really didn't get off the couch much.

Saturday I was on-call at the hospital. It was a really great, affirming experience that I absolutely needed at this point. I cam home after my 12 hour shift very tired, but the good kind of tired. Not the "oh I was miserable and now I'm exhausted" kind, but the "I worked hard and was very productive and now I need to rest and re-charge" kind. I like being that kind of tired.

Today I figured we'd re-schedule girl time after church. It would be a good way to keep me in town because tonight I had *dum dum dum* CHARGE CONFERENCE! Well, by the time we finished with choir practice (because I had to run the sound board) and were starving, Jeff wanted to grab lunch. We did, and at that point it was almost 2pm so I really didn't feel like fighting my way around the civic center and paying for a ticket to the show since I wasn't after anything in particular, didn't really have money to burn for myself, and knew all the good freebies would be gone anyway!

I decided to waste my afternoon at Books-A-Million instead. It's been a long time since I wandered into a bookstore and made myself at home on the floor in one of the aisles, but it felt really nice! I probably spent a lot more time than I should have with the children's books, but I didn't give a rip. I relived a lot of great memories. I've got to get a new copy of the Pokey Little Puppy! I also decided to be productive and get a few more Christmas gifts. I'm almost done!

Charge Conference went well. Still, I'm glad it's only once a year!

So that's been my weekend! Hope yours was a bit more exciting!

Scheduling

I have determined, after only one week, that the schedule of a chaplain agrees with me. Particularly the whole "changing it up" aspect. I have always thought of myself as a creature of habit, but I have recently come to realize that I enjoy a certain amount of flexibility. Actually, it keeps me focused and it helps me to thrive.

I have gotten spoiled by the schedule of a student and then that of a part-time pastor because I have freedom during the day to get things done. I can grocery shop while everyone else is at work. I can run by the post office without a second thought. But this whole working 8-5 Monday - Friday thing gets old fast. And that's why the chaplain schedule is beautiful!

I generally work most days. But I have at least one day a week where I change it up a little. I may not come in until the afternoon one day. I may have a Friday or a Monday off because I had to work a weekend shift. And it absolutely rocks! Yes, it makes planning a weekend getaway a little more of a challenge. It requires a little more coordination, but it's totally worth it! I like breaking it up. And I even like only having one day off at a time!

We'll see what I think about 16 hour shifts and getting off at 8 am!

Reflections on Week 1

This week has been a bit on the crazy side. But it's been a generally good kind of crazy. You remember the craziness of going back to school? The excitement of new friends and new stuff and reuniting with the friends you've missed like crazy over the summer? The anxiety around being in a new place and having new teachers and new classmates and not really knowing what to expect? Yeah, that pretty much sums it up!

I got a cool new "bookbag" for CPE from my step-mom that has my new monogram on it, so my church and CPE things don't have to share a bag now! I know, only I would be that big a goober as to want different bags for my different things, but it helps! Because I'm a little nuts and felt the need to revisit my elementary school days of getting a lunch box to match my book bag, I also got a cute lunch bag. I also got a badge reel that is green and white polka dot fabric with a pink "S" on it. So with my perfectly perky and coordinated accessories, I was ready to tackle my new adventure!

Day one was general hospital orientation. I understand the necessity of it, but I could probably have given some of the speeches, I've heard them so many times! I had also forgotten how exhausting it can be to sit in a classroom all day! I did enjoy getting to meet the other residents and our supervisor. I think we're going to be a great group. I am really looking forward to getting to know all of my classmates!

Day two started with a benefits presentation which was a waste of my time and then went to our department. We met and talked about some basic stuff, got our pagers and keys, talked about the possible unit assignments, met some of the staff chaplains, and took a tour of the hospital. During the tour we got to not only see the helipad, but go out and walk around and hang out on it! I was tempted to go play on the giant "H" but I figured it would be my luck I'd lay down in something gross and then I'd look up and see a helicopter and be traumatized! We also went to decedent affairs (you get a treat if you figure out what that means) and talked about our role there. We had to leave our beepers to get a few things changed, and also put in our requests for our unit assignments.

Day three we started with a pastoral care staff meeting. It's going to take a little time for me to get used to being with my whole class all day, every day. This is definitely new for me because before I only saw my class twice a week! I'm sure that will probably change at least a little once we start working different shifts and visiting our units and whatnot. I like my classmates, but I also miss my Nashville friends. We got our pagers back, got a brief intro to what the code team does (and how we fit in as a part of that) and were supposed to get to watch some code training, but it didn't happen so we'll just have to wait for the real thing! We also got some information on security, the use of the chapel, worship services, baptisms, bereavement care in the WIC, and our vacation time. Also, I get UAB business cards, just like a real employee. Isn't that nifty? I have to turn in my form at the end of the week for those, once I get my hospital e-mail set up!

Day four we started out with a tour of the pre-surgery and PACU, then had presentations from Risk Management (ie, avoiding lawsuits) and the Eye Bank. We had a longer lunch break during which I went to the benefits office to sign up for health insurance (which is a long story). We also got to go down to the ER and see part of a trauma and learn more about that department. We had some nice "bonding" time in the afternoon where we could explore or read or whatever, but my classmates and I mostly sat around and talked. We're a pretty diverse group, but I think we're going to have a great year!

Day five we learned a little about charting, which I have a feeling will become a pain in the rear sooner than later. We couldn't get any of our computer stuff set up, so we will have to do that next week. We learned about the Alabama Organ Center (stay tuned for more on that!) and after lunch went on a scavenger hunt of the hospital. We didn't get the whole thing done (it'll take a while!) but we did get to meet a lot of people and see a lot of different places which was the point!

I still have one more week of "orientation" in the pastoral care department and I'm really excited about that. I like being able to ease into everything and not be thrown into the deep end! We will start shadowing the chaplains both on the units and on-call next week. We also start our first solo calls next week, but we have phone backup of staff chaplains so even "solo" we aren't totally alone!

My Favorite Things - p.38

I figured that in honor of my first week of CPE, I should post some of my favorite things about UAB hospital. You can expect to see more favorite things (and perhaps some not-so-favorite things) about CPE in the weeks and months to come

The Helipad - I got to go up and hang out on the helipad on top of the hospital. Not that I have any experience on any other helipad to compare it to, but it was an absolutely beautiful view of the city and a neat place to gain some perspective on the whole of the medical center. Definitely a great experience. I'm sorry the picture is so small and crummy, but google search "UAB helipad" and you should be able to see the bigger version. Obviously I was there in the daytime so this wasn't exactly what my view looked like, but you have to admit it's pretty stinking cool!

The walking path - As part of the whole "get healthy and stay healthy" initiative of the hospital (and probably also due to the fact that most of the people who work in the hospital practically live in it!) there is a good sized walking trail through all the main concourses and is designated by signs. It's a really nice thing to have. What's even nicer is seeing people taking advantage of it. It's encouraging.

The options - Because the hospital is a large campus and has the population of a small city, there are options for everything. Very few things are uniform or limited. Really, I think that's great. Variety is what keeps things interesting. And no matter what you want, the chances are pretty good that you can find something that, if it won't thrill you, will at least satisfy a need for the time being! That's a very nice thing to know.

The Meditation Garden - It's a very unexpected thing to look in the center of a building and see a garden in a little courtyard, but it's a really nice space. I have a feeling that when I need a little quiet time during the day I will probably go have a picnic out there at lunch!

McAlister's Deli - It's a good thing it's a bit of a haul for me to get over there. Otherwise this could be very bad. But it's a magnificent (and very tasty) kind of bad!

My Final Week of "Freedom"

This was my final week of "freedom" for a year. I had all sorts of big intentions of doing grand things to take advantage of it, but it simply didn't happen that way. I was at least semi-productive!

Sunday after church we went to visitation at the funeral home and then had lunch with Jeff's mother and grandparents. Jeff washed the cars while Papa and I took a nap!

Monday I stayed in bed most of the day. I didn't feel good. I enjoyed being lazy.

Tuesday I pretty much finished up my Christmas shopping, picked up some things for the church from Cokesbury, and had lunch with my mother-in-law. We tried a new Mexican place that wasn't nearly as good as our old standard, but it seems our old standard has closed. It makes me sad.

Wednesday I went to a meeting at church and hauled in several boxes of "stuff" for the Fall Festival, watched Top Chef, and cooked dinner that we didn't even sit down to eat together.

Thursday I did all the laundry, picked 33 peppers from the garden, watched a marathon of Kitchen Nightmares followed by Grey's Anatomy, and cooked another dinner that only got picked at. I'm about to go on a cooking strike.

Friday I got gas, went to the bank, did the grocery shopping, got an external hard drive and cleaned off my computer, wrapped more Christmas presents, met some of Jeff's friends for dinner, went over to see some other friends and taught them to play chicken foot dominos.

Saturday I slept while Jeff went to get the oil changed and a belt replaced on my car, put my new audio book on my iPod, applied for health, vision, and dental insurance, went to Belk and got some tights to go with a cute new dress (and got extremely miffed at the lack of customer service!), went to Harbor Freight so Jeff could give me some ideas for Christmas gifts, had dinner at Golden Rule where they were out of baked potatoes (how does that happen on a Saturday night when it wasn't even 6pm yet?!?), and wrapped a few more gifts that came in the mail.

What I DIDN'T do this week - I didn't make the bed. At all. Ever. Even when I didn't spend all day in it. I figured that would be my little bit of rebellion.

I haven't gotten to the point of being so nervous I get angry. It's almost entertaining (as long as you are not the recipient of my angry letters!) I have started the pacing, so I have to be doing something I deem productive. I've been making lots of lists and playing with my calendar. Todays "to-d0" list includes packing my lunch for tomorrow and figuring out what the heck to make for dinner tomorrow night (it may be leftovers since we have two dinners we haven't eaten from this week!)

So here's to my last day before I become a Chaplain Resident!