Academy 34 Session 6

I realize I never did an actual recap of session 5. I may try to go back and do that later, but for now I want to focus on session 6.

This time was really full for me. It started early when I decided to go for a walk around the lake before I officially checked in and ran into so many old friends. I got to walk and talk with several of them and we got to catch up on one another's lives in ways we often don't have the time for once everything gets started. I once again loved our faculty members and learned a lot. I was surprised by how some things struck a personal chord for me. At first I found myself fighting against and trying to avoid some of this, but after a while I was able to relax and simply let it happen and let my mind and my soul work it out around and within me.

One unexpected blessing was the ways in which I was cared for by people outside of my covenant group. I love my group and they are wonderful and we all do a great job of taking care of one another. But this whole community at Academy is amazing and there were a few people who, while I know them and have talked with them some, haven't been especially close with or known particularly well. Despite that, there were some moments where they showed me such love and compassion that I will never, ever forget it. They were angels when I needed them most!

I got some really good work done on my second year covenant while I was there. I've had the ideas and all kinds of good intentions but hadn't sat down and really accomplished anything. Now that I have starting to achieve something tangible, I'm even more excited and inspired. Stay tuned for more details on this!

I'm already grieving the loss of this community. I'm going to miss everyone terribly. I'm going to miss the rhythm of it all. The good news is that there is a 5 day coming up in August of 2014. The theme is Celtic Spirituality and one of my favorite faculty members, Dr. Loyd Allen, will be presenting. I've already got it on my calendar and I'm going to get officially registered probably in the next week!

All Saints Sunday

For the past seven years, this has been a difficult day for me. For it was on this day seven years ago that my mother died. The specific date was November 5th, which will be on Tuesday this year. But for me, the day I remember is All Saints Sunday. My mom died right about 11am. Everyone was gathered around her bed and we had some sweet special moments there in that space and that moment. But when that moment was over, I had to get out of the house. I couldn't stand to be there when the people from the funeral home came to take her away. I knew I wasn't ready to watch that happen.  So I got dressed. I put on my jeans and my favorite pink sweater and my black ballet flats and I drove to church. My reasoning was that I wanted to tell some people in person that mom had died rather than calling them on the phone or having them hear it from someone else. By the time I got there it was about 11:30 so I knew the service was well underway. We never went to the late service, so I decided the best and easiest thing to do would be to slip into the balcony. I did, and just as I did, the portion of the service began when they were reading the names of all the saints of the church who had died in the last year. As each name was read a bell was rung and a candle was lit. I didn't hear any of those names. I just cried for my mom, who was now with the saints in glory. I couldn't help but think of the line "every time a bell rings an angel gets their wings" and thinking that perhaps, as these bells and all the others all over the world were ringing that maybe my mother was getting her wings. I knew that she was standing and walking without help, that she wasn't hurting or struggling to breathe. I knew that she was loving on her parents and brother and my twin sister and the baby she miscarried. I had all these beautiful comforting images, but still I cried.

 I didn't know what to expect as we prepared for church. I knew that, while still fairly liturgical, this is still a baptist church and I don't know how big a day All Saints Sunday is to them. I had also just returned home from another session of Academy, so all that is still being processed, so I knew that something was going to happen today but I didn't know what it was. All Saints wasn't the focal point of the service, but it was mentioned and there was a very lovely moment in which everyone was invited to share the names of the saints in their own lives. Since Jeff was sitting with the choir I was by myself but it was a very nice little moment to remember momma, daddy, and my twin as well as others. I don't know that I would call it a "healing" moment, but somehow it felt right.

It will be a few more years before November 5th falls on a Sunday again. I'm wondering if that will have a different impact on me. I'm not too worried. I know that there is grace to be found and shared in all these moments and I'm very blessed to be surrounded by what is indeed a great cloud of witnesses!

Year Two

It's hard to believe that, as of tomorrow, I will be beginning my second year at the Academy of Spiritual Formation #34. It seems like just yesterday I was asking "Do you really think I should apply?" but I can't imagine my life right now without this amazing community of wonderful people. It hasn't always been an easy journey and I know that the next year will not be all sunshine and roses either, but that is life. Just yesterday I was telling someone about my desire for community and I really didn't think about my Academy family. They are an amazing community! I just wish everyone was closer and we got to see each other more frequently. I know that there's already some grieving happening around the fact that we're on the downhill slide and there will come a point when we will all have to say goodbye and no longer gather regularly.

But for now I am not going to think about that. Right now I'm going to celebrate that in just a few hours I will be gathering once again with this amazing community! I have the added excitement of having one of my former professors from Vanderbilt as a faculty member this time. I loved Dr. Burns when I had him in class so I'm really looking forward to learning from him once again!

So remember me and all of the Academy 34 community this week! I'll tell you all about it after I get back and have had some time to process it!

Work It Out

First a little bit of history - when I started the Academy for Spiritual Formation I knew that a part of it was a focus on "health and wellness" although I wasn't exactly sure how this would look. I will be perfectly honest - I haven't been especially impressed with that component of the Academy experience. From what I've heard it's much more holistic than it once was, but it still doesn't quite fit with the flow of everything else, either. Anywho, there's always a little bit of guilt/shame that goes into this aspect of the week and I always come back thinking "I really need to do something about that". So at one point I joined a 24 hour gym. I figured that would eliminate my excuses. I signed Jeff up too because he said he'd go with me. He never did. I would use it occasionally and try to bribe myself but it never worked consistently. I even had my friend Andrea go and teach me how to use some of the machines and figure out what I should be doing. That just didn't stick either. So when the credit card we used to pay for the monthly membership was hacked and we had to cancel the card, we just let the membership cancel with it.

Fast forward to this summer. I'm getting restless. I really want to be doing something, especially since work has made it almost impossible for me to go to yoga with any regularity any more. So I start looking into getting a treadmill. The problem is we don't have any place to put it! So when I was at cityfest I stopped by the YMCA booth and found out they were offering a "no joining fee" special. I decided to go for it and signed up. I then promptly left town for my week at camp. When I came back I called up Andrea (who I know works out there every day) and asked if I could meet her for cardio so we could have time to catch up. We did and it was a great day. The next thing I know I'm looking forward to getting up to go and see her each morning (and I know I'll get a "where are you?" text if I'm not there!) Even after long, tiring on-call shifts I look forward to sweating out some of my emotions before I go home.

I will admit that I'm kind of vain and I love to hear people tell me I'm doing a good job and if they ever say those four little words - "I'm proud of you" - they will have me eating out of their hands! It also helps that Andrea knows EVERYONE there and they're all really nice. Andrea has also started having me do some lifting with her which hurts like heck but I know will be worth it eventually.  I'm already starting to enjoy that feeling of accomplishment that comes from pushing through that last set and do something that would have seemed impossible to me just a few minutes before! My short term goals are to be able to run - at least one mile by my birthday in mid-August and a 5k by the end of the year (preferably the fall). I'd really love for next year to be my "year of the princess" when I can do all these fabulous races, but we shall see what happens. Either way, I know if I can keep this healthy habit I'll be yet another step closer to the whole, healthy, happy person I know I can be!

Academy Update

So it finally dawned on me that I never did my usual update after my last session of the Academy for Spiritual Formation. It was a very full week of experience but was very different.

The first thing that was different is that I had to leave early because we were going to a wedding for Jeff's cousin in Georgia. I am so incredibly glad we did, but it changed the dynamic of the whole week because I know there were plenty of times that I wasn't fully present. It was different from my late arrival at session 3. Part of this that made it hard was that, in order to avoid the multiple vehicle issue, Jeff drove me up and dropped me off for the first day. This wasn't really a big deal except that I didn't have as much time to "settle in" as I normally have or like. I also had to hit the grown running as soon as I got there, which is not really something that seems to "fit" with my experiences there.

Day 1 - our theme was "hospitality"

The reason I stayed so busy during last session was that I had volunteered to do the altar design for the week! Although I attended a workshop on altar design a few years ago, this was my first chance to actually do it! I can honestly say it is probably the most fulfilling creative outlet I have ever had in my life. I loved my quiet time in the worship space at the end of each night after everyone had gone to bed and the great silence was being observed where I could allow the Holy Spirit to move with me and within me to create something meaningful. Although it's not exactly a secret who does the altars each time, it's not really broadcast either. I don't have much interest in preaching (although there are a few who keep trying to convince me I should) and I'm not clergy so I'm not able to lead communion. Maybe at some point I will take a more "active" role in worship but this opportunity was amazing. It meant so much to me to hear people talk about their experiences of interacting with the altars! The woman who had done them for the previous two sessions is a professional artist, so she was a hard act to follow, but I was pleased with what I had to offer. I have to be honest, it was a huge boost to my ego when someone made the passing comment "you obviously do this all the time" and I got to tell them that actually, no, I had never done this before.

In addition to my role there, I was also a convener/facilitator for my covenant group. The responsibilities of facilitating are passed around each group so that everyone gets to do it at least once. My group has been very cohesive almost from day one which has been a huge blessing so facilitation wasn't much of a chore. Still, it was something that was always in the back of my mind as I made my daily preparations so I was constantly trying to stay one step ahead of my "work" and pay attention to the things that had meaning and relevance to my entire group, not just me. Again, it was a great insight and experience, but it was different!

Although I didn't walk away with nearly as many epiphanies as I would have liked, I did have some wonderful experiences and conversations, as always.

I also walked away with a challenge - to begin thinking of my covenant for the second year. We are challenged to come up with a covenant that we can share as we shift our focus from our own inward journeys to more of the outward concern for/with others. I recently had an idea for mine, but I'm still working it all out in my head. No matter what I decide, it is something I will be sharing here as an extra layer of accountability.

It's hard to believe that it will be time to return before I know it. The thing I am looking forward to most about our next session is that one of our faculty members is also one of my former professors from Vanderbilt. I don't know if he'll remember me, but I'm thrilled to have the chance to learn from him again! The only downside to going back is that each time we get closer to the end. This community has already been so amazing and it's going to be very difficult when we are no longer gathering regularly!

Moving Forward

This week has been a busy one for me, particularly in the professional realm.

First, I was on call at Children's on Sunday. It was a long, busy day and it really took a toll on me. I know it's part of the job, but it's still tough.

On Monday, I had a meeting in Atlanta with some folks at McAfee to talk about D.Min stuff. Although it wasn't exactly what I was expecting and I wasn't as on top of my game as I would have liked, it was generally a good experience and I came away very excited about the whole prospect.

After that, I had the chance to talk to the pastoral care department director at UAB. I'd already talked to my former CPE supervisor about the possibility of doing a senior (research) residency as a part of the D.Min and she was very supportive so it was nice to talk to him about it as well. He was also very supportive and it's nice to have good people in my corner who are willing to do whatever it takes to make this a good experience for everyone involved!

After that conversation, I came to the realization that it was time to make some contact with the folks at the conference office and inquire about my current status and my options going forward. After a very positive meeting, I now know what is needed for me to get back into the process of things. Although there are some mixed emotions, for the most part I think that I am ready to start taking those steps.

I really have needed these past several months of rest, peace, and reflection to get to this place. I'm more excited about the prospects for the future than I am intimidated by them. I don't necessarily have a timeline for what I want and when I want it, but I can tell that is a huge sign of growth for me! For the first time, I feel like I'm finally doing something I'm really excited about doing because it's completely for me, not because someone or some group is telling me that I have to do it.

I know it will be a lot of hard work, but I also know that it is work that will all make a difference, both to others and to me!

Academy 34 - Session 3

Another session of the Academy for Spiritual Formation has come and gone. This time I had a new experience of arriving very late on the first day because of our GPS class. I don't like being late. Ever. For anything. I didn't like missing out on the excitement of arrival time. I really didn't like missing our first worship service and my covenant group's first meeting. I got there Monday night around 10:15pm and went straight to bed, but it definitely took me a little while to get my bearings the next day.

As always, the week was wonderful. It was full of lots of laughter and tears. Our lecturers were great and I learned a lot and thought about a lot of things I might not have otherwise. I even wrote a psalm! I may get brave and share it here at some point. Although the week was filled with lots of intense emotions, thankfully my nudgings from the Holy Spirit (and there were plenty of them) were quite gentle. I don't know if it's because God knew that I could only absorb so much or that I'm simply paying closer attention so I don't need to be beaten over the head quite as much.

I did have the chance to share with my entire Academy community about our adoption stuff and I was just absolutely overwhelmed with all the love and support I got from everyone. I truly cannot put into words how much it has meant and continues to mean to have this community in my life, especially right now. I keep trying to express how much it meant to me to have so many people share their own experiences and to get so excited with and for me and to know that Jeff, I, and our future child (or children) are all being wrapped and held in prayer by so many people!

I've also been doing a lot of reflecting on where I stand professionally. Being with this community and in an environment where I get to learn again reminds me of how much I really did love school. I didn't love all the stress and the tests and the classes I had to take because they were required, but I did love the learning and growing. I still love learning and growing. I will probably always love it. I really and truly would be a career student if I thought I could get away with it. At the same time, I've been really hesitant to pursue more education because I'm not sure how it would benefit me in terms of getting a job. It's not necessarily something I "need." Still, the more I think about it the more benefit I think it would be to me to go back to school and perhaps pursue a doctor of ministry. It may or may not directly benefit me in terms of getting me a job, but I feel as though I would be a better person because of it, and that is my goal. I'm not going to do anything immediately, but it's kind of liberating to think about the possibilities. It also helps having support in that vein.

There are lots of changes happening in lots of different areas of my life and I'm so blessed to have this community as a support system. Knowing that this is a time-limited experience and that we're now almost to the halfway point, I'm already starting to grieve for the loss of this community. Maybe it's just grieving the end of this last session, but I also can't help but do a little bit of anticipatory grieving for the time that I know we will be leaving and not all coming back together in another 3 months. But for now, I will choose instead to celebrate this amazing blessing in my life!

Each Drop Makes a Difference

This is the lake at Camp Sumatanga. Sumatanga has a special place in my heart for a lot of different reasons and it truly is holy ground. Last year the dam broke and the lake was empty. Finally, thanks to the wonderful gift of rain, it is filling up again.

As I look at this picture and reflect on the beauty and the celebration in its grey raininess, I can't help but thing about what an appropriate metaphor for my life (especially my spiritual life) this lake has been and continues to be.

It never stopped being "the lake". Even when it was dry. Even when it was empty. Even when it was walked on and those that were daring enough to explore its raw exposure had to tread carefully. It was still always the lake because we all knew that dry and empty was not the way it was going to stay. The core of its being, its identity, never changed. It couldn't be used in the same ways, but it had a beauty and a power and a value that could only be appreciated in its emptiness. A lot of people worked very hard so that it could be filled once again. But even when all that work was done, it still takes time to be filled. But each little drop of rain makes a difference, because each drop combines with all those other drops to get it one step closer to being filled once again.

I was empty. I was dry. I was in need of fixing. And even when that was done, I had to wait for the nourishing rains. I have to trust that every drop is making a difference. To remember that the gray is beautiful and remember with gratitude all of those who have made a difference. To be thankful for all of those who ventured into uncharted territory with me. Who braved my raw exposure to be present with me in a new way. To get closer than I had ever allowed them to be before. Who continued to honor and recognize who and what I am even though my presentation changed.

Like the lake, I am constantly changing. I am natural. I respond to the things happening within me and around me. I won't stay at a static level. I will probably go down again even after I am "full" but that's ok. Every drop makes a difference.

Friday Five - Recycle, Re-gift, Reflect

I know I haven't done a Friday Five in a while, but today's seemed like fun.

Recycle

1. What is some "old news" for this year that you'd like to repeat: My "Season of Sabbath" over the last six months has been really good for me, even though it hasn't always been easy. Although some of the things I've started will continue, but I think I have reached a point where my own soul has been sufficiently replenished so that it no longer needs to be the focus of my attention.

2. What "new thing" have you started that you want to keep going in 2013: Academy for Spiritual Formation #34 has been an amazing experience that I am very excited about continuing! I know the active pursuit of growing our family isn't exactly "new" but the specifics that are required are new and will continue.

Re-gift

3. What event, experience, or gift would you just as soon "return to sender": Thankfully, this year hasn't been full of "real tragedy" the way previous years have, but I won't go so far as to say that there's nothing I would do differently. I guess if I had to pick something specific, it would be our cruise in October. It was fun, but I can think of many other things I would have rather done.

Reflect

4. What was the brightest bit of joy that was a part of your year: Beginning the Academy for Spiritual Formation and the connection that I have made with so many wonderful people in this community has been a blessing beyond measure. The fact that this wonderful gift is 1/4 of the way through is both exciting and saddening at the same time.

5. Share a picture that says more than words:

It's amazing what you can see when you are willing to take a step back and change your perspective just a little bit! I took this during my last trip up to Camp Sumatanga. I love the colors of fall and the view from the chapel.

Bonus: Share a recipe!

My new favorite thing to make (I've loved to eat it for a while!) is quiche because it's so simple and can contain anything you want! I use a pre-made pilsbury pie crust, 6 eggs (or egg substitute), 1 cup of milk, and about 1/4 cup greek yogurt, plus whatever meat, veggies, and cheese seems fitting and baked at 350 for about 45 minutes. I'm currently fond of peppered bacon, caramelized onion, and cheddar cheese. It goes together really quickly, but can also be made the day before and kept refrigerated before baking. The leftovers also re-heat really well! A big slice of this and a cup of tomato soup makes for a fabulous lunch or dinner in my mind!

Academy 34, Part 2

Once again I have returned from my retreat to and with the wonderful community of Academy 34 at Camp Sumatanga. This experience continues to change for me, with me, and around me. It's always wonderful, but each time in different ways.

The biggest difference for me in this second session was how comfortable things were from very early on. This truly is a wonderful community of people and while I doubt that a change of venue would change much it is always helpful for me to be back at that "place of rest and vision" and seems only appropriate that I have this experience in this place that has already been so formative for me.

I will be completely honest here - I know I was not as "fully present" throughout the whole week as I was last time. Some of it was the battle going on in my own soul over the fertility stuff that was unfolding while I was there (and let me tell you, hearing about expected babies and watching folks knit baby blankets and tiny leg warmers wasn't always helpful either!) but I also honestly don't believe I would have been able to make the peace that I have, and it's not much but it's some, without the love and support of that community. There is so much shame that goes with this, at least for me, that being open with people about this has been hard, but it has been worth it and I'm continuing to learn this as I daily feel myself wrapped in the love and prayers of this whole community.

The other "challenge" of the week is that I believe I was much more open to whatever was going to happen to and with me and whatever it was God had for me to receive early on. I didn't have to wade in slowly, easing myself down the steps of the pool. Instead, I flung off my shoes at a run, tossed my towel without caring where it landed, and took a flying leap off the diving board! The problem with flying leaps is that they often result in a painful and messy entry  into those deep waters, and that's pretty much what happened from me. I became very aware of some difficult truths early on and that made it hard to stay as open because I reached my threshold pretty quickly. I know I spent some time "distracting myself" (pinterest anyone?) as a matter of survival but I do feel a certain sense of guilt about that because I know those special times in that special place can never be recaptured.

Our faculty was amazing, as I have come to expect. I learned so much and was so incredibly blessed by the whole experience. It really does make a difference having them truly participate in the community rather than simply gracing us with their presence at lectures and being sequestered elsewhere for the other 22.5 hours a day! I'm glad there are smarter people than me who figured that out, but I guarantee it's a lesson I will never forget!

One new experience I had was walking the labyrinth. I know about labyrinths and I have played/worked with pictures and finger labyrinths before, but this was my first time actually walking one. My covenant group decided to do it together one day, and that was also a really special experience. As a whole, the experience of the labyrinth wasn't what I expected or what I wanted, but it was what I needed. I don't know that I would say I enjoyed it so much as I appreciated it, but I do look forward to the chance to do it again.

I also had my first "official" experience of working one-on-one with a spiritual director/ spiritual guide/ spiritual friend. My previous therapist did some measure of this and we had group spiritual direction as a part of my CPE residency (which I think planted the seed for this journey now) but I hadn't sought out that individualized experience until now. It was a very enriching experience and I think it is something I would like to add to my life a bit more permanently, but the process of finding the right someone for me may be difficult and I'm not sure it's something I want to do right this second.

I do have a new favorite saying - "Go, not in peace, but TO peace" which has found a special place deep in my heart. Because I think that is what this entire journey has been and continues to be about for me. Going to shalom, which is not only peace, but also wholeness.

Academy for Spiritual Formation #34

I attended my first session of the Academy for Spiritual Formation this past week and I have got to say that was probably the most powerful week of my life so far. I made some amazing new friends and I am incredibly blessed to have them for traveling companions for the next two years. I had my passion for learning rekindled thanks to our amazing faculty and I'm definitely grieving the fact that they will not be continuing on this journey with us but I am at the same time excited to see what else we will see and do and learn.

I think the most amazing and powerful experience was simply the schedule we followed, which was based on the benedictine model of life. We began each day in silence which was broken during our morning prayer service. After the service we had breakfast and then our first faculty presentation. That presentation was followed by another hour of silence for meditation and reflection. At the end of that hour we had a plenary session for asking questions and discussing some of our thoughts/experiences. After that we had some "community time" for various announcements and the occasional other presentation, and then lunch. After lunch we had some free time (during which I generally honored the Sumatanga tradition of "flat time" and took a nap!) After that we had another faculty presentation, another hour of silence, and another plenary session. Following that session we had an evening Eucharist service and then dinner. After dinner we usually had a little more free time (if we didn't get caught up in conversations at dinner!) and then would meet in our covenant groups. After covenant group time we would come back together as a whole community for evening prayers. At the end of evening prayers we would observe the "great silence" until the next morning.

In case you're keeping track, that was 12 hours a day of silence. A good portion of that time was spent sleeping, but it was literally half of our day. I loved it. I learned a lot during that time, not least of which was about myself!

So now I'm home with my bed and my husband and my dogs. It's great to be home, but it doesn't feel exactly "right". As I write this, it's closing in on 1 am and I'm wide awake. That could be due in part to the large amount of caffeinated soda I had tonight (which has been a much less prominent feature in my life during the last week!) or the sugar-filled milk shake I had for dessert. But a part of me feels that the thing I'm missing in being able to settle myself is the service of night prayers and the silence and solitude.

I wasn't completely isolated during this week. No, I didn't have cell phone signal but I did have internet access to check e-mail. I used my iPad every day to take notes and read books. I had technology accessible to me. But the change of pace was really nice. I'm sure after another day or two I'll settle back into life here and things will feel more "normal" here. But I kind of like this discomfort and what it may prod me to do.

Part of this was also the making of a personal covenant for disciplines we will practice. This is my covenant:
Exercise 3 times a week
Read scripture, pray/meditate, and journal every day
Observe 20-30 minutes of silence each day, apart from the previous task, to simply "be" rather than "do!"
Participate in worship (without a leadership role) at least twice a month
Fast from technology for 24 hours each week - computer, internet, e-mail, TV, and phone. This may not always be the same 24 hours depending on my work schedule, but I will do 24 hours a week!

I'm hoping that my readers will be able to help keep me accountable to this, but also know that I will probably do some of my journaling/processing on here and I can't promise it will always make sense, but if nothing else it may be somewhat comical!

I'm already so excited about this journey and the places where the road will lead next.