Protein Baked Oatmeal Bars

So a lot has been going on in my life lately. So why haven't I been blogging? I've certainly had a lot to write about, but at least one factor is the fact that my depression returned with a vengance. I didn't realize how bad it had gotten until it hit me like a ton of bricks one day and I did something about it. I'm pleased to report that I'm doing much better thanks to the help of some wonderful friends, family, and medical care providers. And with that change in attitude and outlook I also felt a switch flip and decided that I needed to get myself healthy. I mean REALLY healthy. Not just mentally and emotionally, but physically too! I'll write more about this later, but the short version is that I got myself hooked up with an awesome personal trainer. In addition to kicking my butt in the gym several times a week he also introduced me to meal planning. I wasn't thrilled with the idea but the "rules" he gave me were pretty do-able even for my picky habits, but there were a few hurdles.

One was how to eat a good breakfast within an hour of getting up, particularly when I am working overnight. I can eat when I get home but that's sometimes SEVERAL hours after I wake up. I tried taking stuff to work to heat up but that didn't work. And I tried the overnight oats recipes floating around pinterest. We can add oatmeal to the list of things that I am not a fan of! Anywho, I remembered my old baked oatmeal muffins recipe that was supposed to be healthy in the first place and decided to attempt the healthy version with a few twists to fit within my new guidelines. So here is the recipe I came up with.

Dry Ingredients
2 1/2 c. quick oats
2 scoops vanilla protein powder (I use Ultimate ProFit)
1/4 tsp. salt
1 tsp. cinnamon
1/2 c. splenda
1 1/2 tsp. baking powder

Wet Ingredients
1 1/4 c. 1% milk
1 egg + 2 Tbsp. egg whites
8 oz plain greek yogurt
4 oz unsweetened applesauce

1/4 c. slivered almonds
1/4 c. dark chocolate chips

I'm not much of a baker, especially when it comes to exact techniques, so I used a big mixing bowl to combine all the wet ingredients. I used my oatmeal container (since I was using the last of my oatmeal) to shake together all my dry ingredients. Dump the dry into the wet and mix it up, then add the chocolate chips and almonds.

I used a mini loaf pan so I ended up with about 8 bars (probably about 1/3 c. batter each) that I sprayed with a little cooking spray (and then promptly wiped out half of it!)

Bake at 350 degrees for about 40 minutes

If I had it to do over again I'd probably use a little less cinnamon, but maybe it'll grow on me. Obviously you can use more or less of the nuts and chocolate and add or substitute fruit if that is your thing. Maybe I'll try apple walnut next time, or add some peanut butter.

Let me know if you try it out or make any variations! I'd love to hear what you thing.

Catching Up

I have been a total blogging slacker for quite a while. Life has kept me quite busy and lots has been happening. It's too much to put into a single post so let me hit the high points and I'll come back and fill in the details later.

In February I became an independent consultant for Thirty-One Gifts. I expected to be primarily a "personal use" consultant but it has really taken off. I'm having a great time doing it and I've made some wonderful new friends. I went to the National Conference in Columbus, OH and am already looking forward to going back next year!

In May I completed my two-year Academy for Spiritual Formation. It was an absolutely life-changing, soul-shaping wonderful experience. It was hard to say good-bye at the end, but at the same time it was time for that season to end. I hope to someday return to a 5-day academy (In fact I really hope to attend one in February) but I know that it will be a unique experience all its own.

We celebrated our 5th anniversary on May 23rd. I'm not quite sure how but my name got on a list for a free cruise from Carnival so we took advantage of it for our anniversary. It was a nice, low-key vacation. We drove out to Galveston, cruised for five days, then spent a day in Houston after the cruise just exploring. Then we went to New Orleans for a day, also. It was a nice getaway that I think we both needed.

In the spring, Jeff and I made the decision to stop pursuing fertility testing and treatments. We also decided to step back from actively pursuing adoption. We said that if something landed in our lap we would go with it, but we weren't going to actively try to chase things down. Then, wouldn't you know it, something did land in our lap. I can't say a whole lot more about it right now but I'm very excited about what is happening.

Our family is also growing in other ways! My brother got engaged to his sweet, wonderful girlfriend and I am so excited to have her as a part of our family! She is great for him and makes him so very happy, which makes me very happy.

I have gotten very involved in our church and it has been great. On Pentecost I got to preach my first sermon in two years. It went really well and I had a wonderful time doing it. This week I also took another step and presented my request for ordination to the congregation. This has been sort of an ongoing thing and it continues to be an evolving process, but one that has been very empowering and encouraging.

In April I made the decision that it was time for me to quit working at Children's Hospital. The mental and emotional demands of the job were simply too much. My hours had also increased at UAB and doing both was just too much. I don't know what will happen long-term but I'm glad I can recognize and respect my own limits and generally avoid burnout!

On Saturday I turned 29. I didn't do much of anything which was a perfect celebration for me. I'm really excited about what the next year has in store for me!

So there you have it! The short version of the last 6-ish months of my life!

Friday Five - Movies

It's been far too long since I've had it together enough to blog (or really even do more than glance at anyone else's stuff. Sorry!) but I figured today I would give it a shot. So here's a Friday Five about movies. I am way behind on what is "current" and have never had much interest in "popular" and I'm guessing my answers here will reflect that so just consider yourself warned...

1. Is there a film that so captured your imagination that you couldn't stop thinking about it? In what way(s) did it affect you? It's not particularly recent to the rest of the world, but as I said in my disclaimer I'm way behind, so the Harry Potter movies are still what I consider to be one of my newer favorites! I just love it, particularly the first and third ones.

2. What religious/spiritual film has touched you? This could be something overtly thematic like The Last Temptation of Christ, or  something more subtle, like Enchanted April.
I really love the Chronicles of Narnia movies, but most especially The Voyage of the Dawn Treader. This is probably one of my all-time favorites so when anyone talks about how it's a terrible movie, I get fairly offended. (I'm not a movie critic so the "terrible" assessment is probably valid, but I'm more interested in the story)

3. When the going gets tough, is there a film you turn to for distraction and/or to help shift your mood?
I have a short list that I go to, depending on what kind of "tough" I'm dealing with. If I'm feeling especially down and alone, it's Dawn Treader, If I need to laugh it's usually something Disney like Finding Nemo, Monsters, Inc., or Tangled. If long periods of distraction are needed (like after my surgery in December) I go to the Happy Potter box set and just start from the beginning.

4. What is your all-time favorite movie?
I don't know if I could choose a single movie that I love above all others or even that I will watch at the exclusion of anything else. At the moment I'm far too giddy about the coming of my new DVD copy of Frozen.

5. If you were to choose a film for viewing and discussion with your congregation, what would you choose?
I really am not sure. I've kind of been toying with the idea of writing something (and have done a little bit of discussing it with my pastor and I think we could really have some fun with) that I have given the working title of "The Princesses and the Kingdom" looking at what lessons about the Kingdom of God and faith that we can learn from Disney Princess movies. Obviously that would involve a longer-term "series" approach. If there was a single movie I'd probably go with Dawn Treader. 

My pastor has asked me to actually serve on a panel discussion about a movie we ARE going to watch as a congregation in the not-so-distant future and for the life of me I can't remember the name of it (but I haven't seen it yet!)

Bonus - If your life were to be made into a feature film, who would you want to play you?
Amy Adams please! I just love her!

My Hometown

Recently I was asked to co-write a blog post with the lovely and talented Kendra Thornton about what we love about our hometowns. As she is from a big city and I am not, obviously we are coming from two very different perspectives,  but there are plenty of things I love about Alabaster and the surrounding areas.

It should be no surprise that I love good food, and I'm very lucky to have a few really wonderful local restaurants nearby. The first is Joe's Italian. My current favorite is the Tortellini with Pesto Cream Sauce, but I love pretty much everything I've ever tried. And of course you have to save room for a piece of cake. I recommend the strawberry or neapolitan.
Next up is Los Angeles Burrito. A very small place with amazing, fresh mexican food. The best taco I've ever had in my life was at an open-air restaurant in Mexico and these taste almost exactly like those. Add a Mexican coke and you have an amazingly tasty lunch!
And if you feel like venturing down the road to Helena, check out Fox Valley Restaurant. I have previously proclaimed my love of this place and the only seafood dish I will eat - their crab cake!

Of course, there is more to life than food and there are other things I love about Alabaster. Ironically, one of the things is that it's a pretty quiet place. There isn't a ton of "stuff" to draw people here. Which means there are lots of "nothing to do" days. While Birmingham is not that far away, because I make that drive every day for work, I'm not always eager to do it on my off days!
One thing Alabaster does well is its parks, and I do enjoy walking at Veterans Park, especially when the weather is nice. There is also a great dog park there.

One thing nearby that I have never done but would absolutely love to do is visit American Village in Montevallo. I'm a big fan of history, and while I've seen many of these sites "for real" it's a beautiful place and I would love to spend some time there.
For the times that we want to getaway (but not really) we do enjoy camping at Oak Mountain State Park in Pelham. Obviously if you're an outdoorsy person there's plenty to do, but even for someone like me who isn't exactly wilderness Barbie, it's a great way to spend an afternoon or even a weekend!

And now, here is what Kendra had to say about Chicago -

Where to Go in Chicago

There are many places around the world that I like to visit. At times, I have visited places with my husband and children, but other times I like to be by myself. Either way, traveling truly excites me. When I meet people wherever I go, I like to direct them to a place they may not have been, and that is my town of Chicago.

1. Go to a Professional Game

One of the things that Chicago gets overlooked at is in terms of professional sports teams. The truth of the matter is that many cities across the United States are not hosts to four of the biggest professional sports teams in the country. Chicago has two professional baseball teams, with one being on the north side and the other being on the south side. Professional hockey is quite popular at this time, since the Chicago Blackhawks recently won the Stanley Cup. Going to a professional game, or at least to a place that features a game, is an excellent way to get immersed in the Chicago culture.

2. Go to New Heights

The Willis Tower, which is always known to some native Chicagoans as Sears Tower, has a place that people can truly experience what it means to go out on a limb. The SkyDeck, which is on floor 103, gives children and adults the opportunity to see the city and the surrounding area in a glass enclosure. The enclosure is made up of multiple layers of glass and it is extremely strong. Some people who have been on the SkyDeck describe it as floating on the air.

3. Go to Get Pampered

When I need to get away from all of my troubles, worries and stresses, I go to the Peninsula. This fancy hotel allows me to unwind exactly the way that I need to. Located on East Superior Street, the Peninsula has a fabulous spa and it gives me a number of options for what I want to have done. After my spa treatment, I have an exquisite meal at the restaurant in the hotel. At times, I may not stay a night, but I truly enjoy the pampering that I receive. Chicago does however offer a number of hotels new or historic for couples and families. Many of these hotels are within the city limits, making the various sites in walking distance.

4. Go to Eat

Chicago has plenty of wonderful diners throughout the town. One of my favorites is “Uncle Lou” by Lou Michell. This historic and terrific diner has delicious food that my children enjoy. The prices are quite decent. Besides this, children and women receive Milk Duds, which is a Chicago creation, when entering this memorable facility.

Chicago is a great city. With so many places in which to go, staying multiple days is the best thing to do. It is no surprise that people keep coming back and even choose to move here. I know I did.

Smooth Operator

So way back when we first started this journey, my doctor laid out a big roadmap of where we might be headed and what might be happening. One of the last things he mentioned was exploratory surgery to diagnose or rule out (and treat if necessary) endometriosis. The possibility of endometriosis came up again when I had some lingering pain after the ruptured ovarian cyst, but because the only way to diagnose it was surgery, he wasn't eager to force the issue since I was slowly but surely getting better. But now that we have ruled out and tried pretty much everything else, we're at that point near the end of the road where it's appropriate and necessary.

 I was not expecting it to happen so quickly, but when they called on Friday to get it scheduled, it ended up that Monday was the best option! Well, ok! I tend to stress and worry over stuff anyway so that probably was best. It was enough time for me to process and adjust to the idea of it without having too much time to stress. So yeah, I've pretty much decided that about a 48-72 hour window is what I need to adjust to something that's not a TOTAL shock.

 I had done my reading and research, was with my mom when she had laparoscopic surgery (although not for this), and I DO work in a hospital and have made enough visits to both pre-op and pacu that I feel like I'm reasonably familiar and comfortable with what happens. Heck, I've even been in the OR and seen things that most people outside healthcare don't get to see. Still, I was a little surprised (and not at all happy) when I was told "oh by the way, you're only allowed clear liquids the day before" Especially since I'd been cooking for three days for a little get-together that was going to be, you guessed it, the day before my surgery. So instead of white chicken chili, wine, spinach dip, and salsa I got to have broth, sprite, and gatorade. I have never wanted a Frito so badly in my life!

 The morning of surgery I was instructed to check in at the outpatient surgery center at 6:45. I was honestly surprised at how quickly everything went. They called me back to prep me at about 7:10 and I was rolling back to the OR at 7:35! I was the most nervous about the IV, and while she only had to stick me once, it was kind of nerve-wracking. She asked if I was ok if she didn't numb it first because it was such a tiny vein. She had to dig a little, but she got it and I've never been so relieved to be done with something. It was the longest three minutes of my life! I remember very little after they put "the good stuff" in my IV as they started to roll me out. I have some vague fuzzy memories of moving onto the table but that's about it. When I woke up in recovery, I wasn't quite aware of where I was I just had the feeling I was waking up and needed to go to the bathroom. So what do you do when you feel that every morning? You get up and go! So I started trying to get up and the nurse had to tell me to lay back down. Once I was awake though, I was pretty much ready to go. The first thing I asked for was my glasses because I couldn't see squat! I had to wait until they got me out of recovery and into a discharge room. I asked the nurse what time it was and she told me it was about 9. I was pretty antsy to get up, get something to drink, and get the heck out of there. She kept offering me pain medicine and I kept turning it down. At one point she flat out told me "you're making faces like you're in a lot of pain. I'd really like to give you something." I honestly told her that it was just my throat hurting and asked for something to drink. She got me a diet coke and it was the best thing ever!

They moved me to a "discharge room" and I immediately wanted to get up and go to the bathroom. I was told before surgery that my ticket out was going tinkle, so as soon as I did that I was told I could get dressed and we could go.  The discharge nurse told me she was impressed by how well I was able to walk around on my own and I even managed to get dressed without any help. By 10,  Jeff and I were halfway home home and swinging through the Chick-Fil-A drive-thru to get breakfast!

I'm not a great patient and I don't like being helpless, but all things considered my recovery was pretty easy. Jeff stayed with me and we spent the day in the den watching Harry Potter movies and enjoying the new recliners. He got me Chicken and Dumplings for an early dinner and I took a couple of pain pills but they never made me really sleepy. I wasn't ready to lay flat so I just spent that night in the recliner. The next day I got to finally take a shower and wash all the hospital crud off of me and with the exception of a little bit of soreness/stiffness particularly when I went from sitting to standing I felt pretty good. It was over a week before I was comfortable wearing anything except elastic waist pants but overall it was pretty easy. The most annoying part was having the little strings hanging out of my belly button! I don't like loose strings on my clothes or my stuff. I'm NOT a fan of having them hanging out of my body!

My lower two incisions stayed pretty sore for the whole two weeks between surgery and my post-op appointment. When I went back to have my stitches removed he told me the incision in my belly button was perfect but the lower two were "kind of angry looking" so he gave me some antibiotics, but said he thought they'd heal a lot better without the little "foreign bodies" (stitches) in there and sure enough the residual pain was gone within a day of having the stitches removed. He also talked to me about what he found during the surgery. He had talked to Jeff and given him some pictures on surgery day, but it was nice to hear it all myself. He did find some endometriosis, but it presented as a peritoneal window, which is basically a little hole in the lining around my pelvic organs. He said that, while it's not the most common way of finding endometriosis, it's not an uncommon thing, and they cleaned it all up and are hopeful that it will do the trick!

Now we do more waiting to see what happens!

How You Can Care For Me, Part 2

Remember how, way back when I went really public with all this infertility and adoption stuff I wrote a post about what I needed and how folks could best support me? Remember how I said that if I came up with anything else or if anything changed I'd share it? Well, it's time for some sharing. No, nothing has changed drastically in terms of "what's happening" but I think my attitude about it slowly has. I recognize that my needs are different and so I want to share a more current reflection of where I am.

Recently I saw an article about what you should or shouldn’t say to a person who is trying to get pregnant. It didn’t even specifically mention “infertility” but it was pretty clear that those with more extended “trying” periods were considered the experts in this field. I had a lot of issue with this article. For one thing, I’m not a fan of sweeping generalizations. In the case of this particular article (and several others I have seen) there are several key points that I disagree with strongly. I’m going to own all of this as my own thoughts/feelings and I make no generalizations about how this may or may not apply to others. So rather than critiquing the opinions of others, I’d rather just offer my perspective on how you can best care for and relate to me.

Be real with me. Life is hard. Not having kids is hard, but so is having kids. Not being pregnant is hard, but so is being pregnant. Being stuck in the house all day is hard, but so is going to work every day. While I appreciate being on the receiving end of care, and I crave it more than most people probably know, I also can’t live there. That’s just not who I am or how I’m wired, and I assume that if you know me well enough to care about how you relate to me, you know this about me already. If you need to complain about home or work or kids or anything, go for it. If I can’t deal with it at that point, I’ll be real with you, too, and tell you.

 Don’t exclude me. Like I said before, life is hard. It’s full of sad, difficult things. I probably see more than my share in my line of work. I soak up joy and happiness and celebration wherever I can. Children are living, breathing miracles of joy to me. If you’ve got something to celebrate, let me celebrate with you. I don’t have to be all up in your business, but you don’t have to walk on egg shells around me. I’m not saying you should go out of your way to include me in things you wouldn’t otherwise, but don’t feel that because it’s happy or baby/child related that it’s something to be avoided around me. This whole journey has been and continues to be an incredibly lonely one for me. Please don’t build any more walls to remind me of how different I am.

Give me permission to grieve. I will admit that there have been times when I prayed “God, if you’re not going to give me a baby, can I at least have a miscarriage?” Not because I think the loss of a child is something to be desired, but because that is a much more tangible loss that is more easily understood. There is a lot more sympathy and support for that kind of loss. I absolutely believe that all these things that exist should and they are very valuable. Pregnancy loss is a terrible thing. But it is something that can be grieved publicly. Trying and trying and there just being … nothing… is not something you can publicly grieve. How can you miss something you never had? It’s easier than you think. I often don’t feel that I have permission to grieve publicly, but that doesn’t mean that I’m not grieving. This is often where I feel the loneliest.

Let me be real with you. Ask what’s been going on in my life and in my head and in my heart and really listen to what I have to say. If you know me well enough to recognize when I’m feeding you a load of crap then be willing to call me on it and give me permission to share with you. Don’t try to force it out of me, but give me some safe space to talk about whatever it might be. No guilt or shame, no “should” or “ought”, no mocking or ridicule. It may take a while before I act on it, but simply the knowledge that the space is there and that it is occupied by someone who loves and cares about me is a tremendous gift.

Tell me your story. No, I may not relate to all of it. Heck, I may not relate to most of it. But if there is one thing I have learned through my life and my work it’s that, in pretty much every case, there is SOME point of connection between two souls. Remind me of some of these. Help me remember that there is a community who loves and supports me and there are people who understand. And don’t be afraid of happy endings. Those have always been my favorites!

 

Thank you for caring. Please don't stop. It makes a difference.

100 Wishes Quilt - It's Starting!

So I put out a call quite a while ago asking people to contribute fabric to the 100 wishes quilt. I have gotten several contributions, but not 100. Not even close. Still, the stack of fabric was growing and I just knew that this was a huge undertaking. Plus, all this waiting and helplessness has reached a point of "incredibly difficult" and I felt like I needed to be able to DO something. So I decided to call up my friend, neighbor, and partner in mischief, Mollie, and see if we could go ahead and get started.

Seeing as how I've never sewn much of anything before I figured that what would happen is that I would end up doing lots of cutting and she would do the actual sewing. Oh, how wrong I was! We took a little time to play with my very basic machine and figured out what we needed and got it all set up. She let me practice on a couple of scraps and then before I knew it she was handing me the center square and the first strip and we were off! Amazingly, it wasn't that hard. In fact, I did all the sewing today. Mollie did all the cutting and ironing (which was probably best for everyone!) and in only a couple of hours we had put together basically all the fabric I had! It ended up being about 20 pieces. It definitely went more quickly with two people, and it was also more fun.

I'm super-excited about what I have so far, but I'm also super-excited about what comes next! And that is MORE FABRIC! We are far from 100 so pretty please send something! If I need to come pick it up (and you're in driving distance) I will be happy to! Pick something special/meaningful to you. I've still got some pieces of t-shirts that are going to be worked in and probably some other things, too. It will probably be a little while before I sit down and add some more to it. It really worked very well having a bunch to do at once so I think that's what we'll try to do again. Obviously I don't have a target date, but if you're going to be making a trip to the post office for Christmas stuff, it might be a great time to pop a little bundle of fabric in the mail (just saying!)

Becoming a Baptist

It's no secret that I've had a long and conflicted relationship with the United Methodist church over the past several years, particularly in relationship to the process of ordination and getting the blessing of that community on my calling and my ministry. Several months ago a series of events began unfolding that I will not share in detail here because I know I can't do it without hurt, anger, and condemnation. And the details that are significant leave no room for anonymity, but all of that won't benefit anyone, so I'm going to simply take it as another one of those 2x4 moments from God where there is no more doubt in my mind that something has to change.

Something has indeed changed in my life since then. Jeff and I were finally able to find a church home. He was never especially comfortable in methodist churches, in part because of the connected nature and the fact that I know (or at least have met or know of) a whole lot of people. As I began to feel as though I was no longer chained to the UMC (and make no mistake about it, I did feel like I was a prisoner of this process for a long time!) we were both freed to find a place where we both felt at home, where we fit, where we felt we could be an active part of the community. Remember way back when I talked about church shopping? Yeah, that's still the list we were pretty much using.

I don't know how, but something planted the seed in my mind that perhaps it would be looking into what was different about the Cooperative Baptist Fellowship (CBF) and see if there was a CBF church near us. For the most part I liked what I found about CBF in general and I found a church in Pelham that looked very promising! The thing that really caught my attention was that I knew their interim pastor - she is the wife of a very good friend and colleague of mine. So I cornered said colleague and basically had him give me the scoop on this church. It was incredibly helpful and Jeff and I went visiting.

Immediately we were both very comfortable. As luck would have it, just as we started visiting the church was in the process of calling a new pastor, and he started not long after we did. We both also really like him and have really felt like this is the place for us. Jeff has joined the choir and I'm slowly starting to get to know people. I love having a community that we can call our own.

Yesterday I had a meeting with the pastor to begin having some conversation about who I am, what I do, where I feel I have been called, and how I can and should go about getting the blessing of this community on that. It was honestly the most supportive and affirming conversation I have had in over ten years, especially in respect to ministry! I really don't know exactly where things are going to go from here, but I know that I have some great people in my corner who will be journeying with me and I am SO incredibly thankful for the fact that we really have been able to find our way home to this community!

Academy 34 Session 6

I realize I never did an actual recap of session 5. I may try to go back and do that later, but for now I want to focus on session 6.

This time was really full for me. It started early when I decided to go for a walk around the lake before I officially checked in and ran into so many old friends. I got to walk and talk with several of them and we got to catch up on one another's lives in ways we often don't have the time for once everything gets started. I once again loved our faculty members and learned a lot. I was surprised by how some things struck a personal chord for me. At first I found myself fighting against and trying to avoid some of this, but after a while I was able to relax and simply let it happen and let my mind and my soul work it out around and within me.

One unexpected blessing was the ways in which I was cared for by people outside of my covenant group. I love my group and they are wonderful and we all do a great job of taking care of one another. But this whole community at Academy is amazing and there were a few people who, while I know them and have talked with them some, haven't been especially close with or known particularly well. Despite that, there were some moments where they showed me such love and compassion that I will never, ever forget it. They were angels when I needed them most!

I got some really good work done on my second year covenant while I was there. I've had the ideas and all kinds of good intentions but hadn't sat down and really accomplished anything. Now that I have starting to achieve something tangible, I'm even more excited and inspired. Stay tuned for more details on this!

I'm already grieving the loss of this community. I'm going to miss everyone terribly. I'm going to miss the rhythm of it all. The good news is that there is a 5 day coming up in August of 2014. The theme is Celtic Spirituality and one of my favorite faculty members, Dr. Loyd Allen, will be presenting. I've already got it on my calendar and I'm going to get officially registered probably in the next week!

The End of a Season

As I've been doing some writing and reading and reflecting lately, it occurs to me that I really have reached the end of what I dubbed my "Season of Sabbath". Really and truly it probably ended several months ago. It was definitely over in August when I made a few scheduling errors and ended up consistently working 80+ hour weeks. But like most seasons in nature, it's end was gradual and graceful and not at all harsh or shocking. I don't really know what to call this new season in which I find myself, but it feels a little like winter.

I do enjoy winter (at least winter in Alabama) because it's generally quite pleasant. It's cool enough for sweaters and hot cider and occasionally we get a little bit of snow. It's busy, but full of life and joy and hope. Yes there is darkness and sometimes the cold can get a little overwhelming, but for the most part, even in its quiet stillness, it's full of promise and primes us for the hope of things to come in the spring.

So that's where I find myself now - relishing the good things, savoring the joy and life that surrounds me, appreciating the busy-ness, and hoping for the beauty that I know is yet to come!

All Saints Sunday

For the past seven years, this has been a difficult day for me. For it was on this day seven years ago that my mother died. The specific date was November 5th, which will be on Tuesday this year. But for me, the day I remember is All Saints Sunday. My mom died right about 11am. Everyone was gathered around her bed and we had some sweet special moments there in that space and that moment. But when that moment was over, I had to get out of the house. I couldn't stand to be there when the people from the funeral home came to take her away. I knew I wasn't ready to watch that happen.  So I got dressed. I put on my jeans and my favorite pink sweater and my black ballet flats and I drove to church. My reasoning was that I wanted to tell some people in person that mom had died rather than calling them on the phone or having them hear it from someone else. By the time I got there it was about 11:30 so I knew the service was well underway. We never went to the late service, so I decided the best and easiest thing to do would be to slip into the balcony. I did, and just as I did, the portion of the service began when they were reading the names of all the saints of the church who had died in the last year. As each name was read a bell was rung and a candle was lit. I didn't hear any of those names. I just cried for my mom, who was now with the saints in glory. I couldn't help but think of the line "every time a bell rings an angel gets their wings" and thinking that perhaps, as these bells and all the others all over the world were ringing that maybe my mother was getting her wings. I knew that she was standing and walking without help, that she wasn't hurting or struggling to breathe. I knew that she was loving on her parents and brother and my twin sister and the baby she miscarried. I had all these beautiful comforting images, but still I cried.

 I didn't know what to expect as we prepared for church. I knew that, while still fairly liturgical, this is still a baptist church and I don't know how big a day All Saints Sunday is to them. I had also just returned home from another session of Academy, so all that is still being processed, so I knew that something was going to happen today but I didn't know what it was. All Saints wasn't the focal point of the service, but it was mentioned and there was a very lovely moment in which everyone was invited to share the names of the saints in their own lives. Since Jeff was sitting with the choir I was by myself but it was a very nice little moment to remember momma, daddy, and my twin as well as others. I don't know that I would call it a "healing" moment, but somehow it felt right.

It will be a few more years before November 5th falls on a Sunday again. I'm wondering if that will have a different impact on me. I'm not too worried. I know that there is grace to be found and shared in all these moments and I'm very blessed to be surrounded by what is indeed a great cloud of witnesses!

Walk 153

First of all, let me just say that I know I have been a serious blogging slacker lately. However, in my defense, I haven't really thought there was that much blog-worthy about my life lately. I am planning a few updates in the near future about adoption, Academy, and other important things, so stay tuned.

 Walk153 is a walk to raise both awareness and funds for orphan care and adoption assistance. The "153" is because the latest statistics indicate there are over 153 million orphans in the world. That figure is just staggering to me. Adoption can be a very daunting (and expensive) prospect and so any sort of assistance, either financial or emotional, is greatly appreciated. In addition to supporting general causes, Walk153 is also a way for individual families to raise money for their personal adoption journeys. It's a great resource to have! This year the Birmingham area walk will be on Sunday, November 3rd at Bucaneer Stadium on the campus of Hoover High School, starting at 1:53 pm.

 My friend Mollie told me about this last year when I first told her about our journey with infertility and plans to pursue adoption. Life and scheduling got in the way and I wasn't able to participate last year, but this year Mollie and I have a team. We are calling ourselves Team Chrysalis and would love to have any support anyone would like to give us. Because Jeff and I are not currently pursuing a "costly" adoption option we are not in need of financial assistance at this time and so we are not a family registered to receive designated assistance. However, there are plenty of families who are and also plenty of orphans who need some care and support until they find their forever family. Team Chrysalis is trying to raise $153, which doesn't seem like much, but every little bit helps. If you would like to donate or to come walk with us, you can register or donate through the website - www.walk153.com

 Of course one of the best ways you can support us is to continue to be in prayer for our team as we walk, for Jeff and I as we continue on this adoption journey, for other families who are also on this journey, and for all those sweet little ones who need to find their forever families!

Metamorphosis

I haven't posted much lately. On some level it's because I've been in survival mode, working way too much and not getting nearly enough rest. But even before that, I haven't felt like there was a ton to post about. Except for working the only thing I do with any consistency anymore is going to the gym. I have gotten to the point that I really do love lifting and working out. It's hard and it hurts but I feel so amazing when I'm done. It's an awesome feeling to be able to say "yeah, let me jump weight."

Obviously, there are lots of other changes that often go along with taking on something like regular exercise. The most obvious is weight loss. Yes, I have lost weight. About 25 pounds since the start of the summer. This past month I've been kind of at a plateau but I understand why. This has also meant getting into some old clothes (and now actually having the old clothes be too big!) and buying new clothes, which has been an interesting experience in itself. Although I'm far from what I would call "confident about my body" I am just a generally happier person with who and what I am. I am a little more comfortable in my own skin. And I'm taking more of an interest in my looks. I've been playing around with and starting to wear makeup and trying to do my hair more often. I'm actually putting thought into putting together outfits and picking out jewelry.

Another big change has been my eating. Since I'm working my tail off at the gym, I'm more motivated to be conscious of what I eat and trying to make better choices. No, I'm not on a diet. No I'm not on "a health food kick" but I am trying to be a little smarter about what I eat and why. I recognize when I'm splurging and allow myself to enjoy it but I also do my best to avoid making it a habit. On Tuesday I did something I've only ever done less than half a dozen times in my life - I ordered a salad at dinner. Several times in my life I've been willing or order one and even eat a bite or two, but that's been about it. I just have an aversion to lettuce (and other green stuff), especially the texture. This particular salad was a spinach salad and it just sounded really good to me. The difference in this little adventure was that I ate almost the whole thing! I wasn't just choking it down either, I really enjoyed it! In fact, the reason I didn't finish is was that I dumped too much dressing on it! If that wasn't enough of a surprise, I decided against ordering a steak opting instead for chicken. Then, when we went to Dairy Queen later, the idea of a blizzard made me kind of sick and I opted for a light fruit smoothie!

The realization of how much has changed in my life kind of freaked me out. I really did find myself asking the questions, "Who am I? Who is this person who as taken up residence in my mind and in my body? I'm not sure I like her." I found myself talking to several people about the changes that are taking place, and (without knowing each other or even about the other conversations) they all seemed to use similar phrases and images, particularly "transformation," metamorphosis," "cocoon," and "butterfly." The notion of being transformed and undergoing a metamorphosis is a scary thing for me. I'm still frightened by the uncertainty that comes along with this rebirth. I recognize that it's going to be a difficult and painful process and I know that there are a lot more changes still to come. I know it will be a while before the whole picture of who/what I am becoming will be visible, and I may never be able to really see for myself all that I am, but others will see it and hopefully help me to know what I look like and what it means for me.

But I am clinging to the belief that whatever I am becoming is something beautiful.

My Birthday Adventure

This year, I had the chance to do something totally different for my birthday. My friend, Kathryn, got married to her sweetie, Stu, on Saturday the 17th. Kathryn and I met as pen-pals (or e-mail pals) probably 15 years ago and we have stayed in touch and actually become very good friends. We met in person for the first time about six years ago and have since looked for excuses to see each other. It hasn't worked all that well, but I knew that her wedding was the PERFECT excuse for me to go visit. Jeff and I were both invited, but when he found out how much plane tickets cost he decided it wasn't worth it to him. I still wanted to go, but I decided to make a weekend trip of it. Yes, that's an awfully long way to go for a wedding weekend. But I've done London a couple of times before, I was going to be by myself, and Kath and Stu were going to be otherwise occupied and not be available to entertain me.

I left home on Thursday, the 15th thinking I would land in London at 8am on my birthday and have the whole day to explore before heading out to meet up with the happy couple. Well, wouldn't you know it that life and circumstance intervened during my connection in Charlotte and I was re-routed through Frankfurt, Germany! I really didn't mind the delay too much, although I was a bit disappointed that I wouldn't get to go to King's Cross Station to see platform 9 3/4. Still, I got to London about 2:30pm and after I cleared customs and whatnot was all set to grab the 3:30 coach out to Hemel. What I didn't know about or bank on was some kind of massive wreck on the motorway around the airport where nothing could get in or out. I ended up sitting waiting on the coach for about 2 hours before finally getting to where I needed to be. There was definitely some stress on the parts of everyone involved, including Kath's sweet family, but we got it all worked out and I got there. It was so much fun getting to meet her family after hearing about them for so many years.

After dinner at her parents' house they took me to the hotel to get checked in and settled. They had surprised me with a birthday cake and a gift of all kinds of fun candy you can't get here in the states (I'm still eating on it slowly and sharing some with Jeff) After a few minutes to get freshened up and settled in, we headed to a cute little pub where we met up with lots of friends and family members to drink and chat and have lots of fun. Really, that seems like a nice alternative to the Rehearsal Dinner. Kath did insist on having everyone there sing to me which embarrassed me to no end, but was still kind of fun. Finally, about 10pm my 25 plus hours of traveling caught up with me and I was ready for bed, so back to the hotel I went.

I slept well Friday night and woke at a decent hour Saturday morning. I went for a walk around the hotel grounds and enjoyed the wonderful weather. I skipped out on a solo breakfast at the hotel restaurant in favor of birthday cake and tea in my room. It was great! Then I got myself all prettied up for the wedding! The wedding ceremony itself was very nice. Not at all what I'm used to, but it was really and truly the first time since my own wedding that I've really wanted to do it over but to do it like they did! I was not prepared for the marathon that was the reception, though. We started partying as soon as the ceremony ended (it started about 1:30) and I finally went back to my room at 11:45 pm and the party was still going! All the people were so nice, I had a wonderful time meeting everyone and getting to be a part of all the fun.

My return trip was much less eventful. The last leg of my trip, from Philadelphia to Birmingham, I was the last person on the plane (and seriously thought i was going to get left) because I got stuck in customs. Next time I will give myself even more time to get through but even then it wasn't a big deal because I knew I'd get home eventually!

It truly was an amazing adventure and a special way to celebrate my birthday. It's one I will never forget!

Friday Five - Keep Calm & Cowgirl Up!

It's been a while since I did a Friday Five. I would love to be able to say that there was something special about this one that spoke to me, but really and truly it's just because I saw it and was up to thinking about it! So without further ado...

1. First, how are you doing? What's going on with you? - For one thing, I'm TIRED. I don't quite know how it happened but I have been working every night this week which will be totaling about 80 hours by the time Sunday morning rolls around. I'm looking forward to my day of rest!

2. Is there anything you need to Keep Calm and Cowgirl Up for? - With the exception of work, I really can't think of anything. I don't have anything major looming that I'm aware of, which is a nice feeling!

3. If you were going to make a "Keep Calm and _____" logo for a t-shirt, what would it be? - I'm fairly certain this one exists, but probably "keep calm and have a cookie" or perhaps "Keep Calm and Lift" as I've been really enjoying my time at the gym lifting weights lately!

4. What are you looking forward to in the next week or so? - My birthday! Normally I hate my birthday and am not a huge fan of celebrating it (for various reasons discussed throughout this blog) but this year I'm thrilled because I will be in England celebrating my friend Kathryn's wedding! It's going to be an adventure for sure!

5.Use the following word in a sentence: cape, river, dancing, paws, glory - As she was dancing, her shimmery cape swirled around her like the river where they spent glorious summer days splashing their paws in the water. (Cut me some slack, it's 1:30 am!) 

Year Two

It's hard to believe that, as of tomorrow, I will be beginning my second year at the Academy of Spiritual Formation #34. It seems like just yesterday I was asking "Do you really think I should apply?" but I can't imagine my life right now without this amazing community of wonderful people. It hasn't always been an easy journey and I know that the next year will not be all sunshine and roses either, but that is life. Just yesterday I was telling someone about my desire for community and I really didn't think about my Academy family. They are an amazing community! I just wish everyone was closer and we got to see each other more frequently. I know that there's already some grieving happening around the fact that we're on the downhill slide and there will come a point when we will all have to say goodbye and no longer gather regularly.

But for now I am not going to think about that. Right now I'm going to celebrate that in just a few hours I will be gathering once again with this amazing community! I have the added excitement of having one of my former professors from Vanderbilt as a faculty member this time. I loved Dr. Burns when I had him in class so I'm really looking forward to learning from him once again!

So remember me and all of the Academy 34 community this week! I'll tell you all about it after I get back and have had some time to process it!

Officially Official

On July 3rd, we got an awesome e-mail telling us that our home study was officially approved by the state! I was honestly shocked at how quickly this came through because of our delays. I was really not expecting our approval to come until closer to the end of the month. Now we are waiting for a match! I submitted an inquiry about one child and in the middle of some e-mails about that (not directed to me but that I was copied on) I found out that a caseworker had requested our profile to consider us for another child! The waiting for this part is so incredibly hard, but I know it'll be worth it.

So yes, not a long update, but a very exciting one!

Work It Out

First a little bit of history - when I started the Academy for Spiritual Formation I knew that a part of it was a focus on "health and wellness" although I wasn't exactly sure how this would look. I will be perfectly honest - I haven't been especially impressed with that component of the Academy experience. From what I've heard it's much more holistic than it once was, but it still doesn't quite fit with the flow of everything else, either. Anywho, there's always a little bit of guilt/shame that goes into this aspect of the week and I always come back thinking "I really need to do something about that". So at one point I joined a 24 hour gym. I figured that would eliminate my excuses. I signed Jeff up too because he said he'd go with me. He never did. I would use it occasionally and try to bribe myself but it never worked consistently. I even had my friend Andrea go and teach me how to use some of the machines and figure out what I should be doing. That just didn't stick either. So when the credit card we used to pay for the monthly membership was hacked and we had to cancel the card, we just let the membership cancel with it.

Fast forward to this summer. I'm getting restless. I really want to be doing something, especially since work has made it almost impossible for me to go to yoga with any regularity any more. So I start looking into getting a treadmill. The problem is we don't have any place to put it! So when I was at cityfest I stopped by the YMCA booth and found out they were offering a "no joining fee" special. I decided to go for it and signed up. I then promptly left town for my week at camp. When I came back I called up Andrea (who I know works out there every day) and asked if I could meet her for cardio so we could have time to catch up. We did and it was a great day. The next thing I know I'm looking forward to getting up to go and see her each morning (and I know I'll get a "where are you?" text if I'm not there!) Even after long, tiring on-call shifts I look forward to sweating out some of my emotions before I go home.

I will admit that I'm kind of vain and I love to hear people tell me I'm doing a good job and if they ever say those four little words - "I'm proud of you" - they will have me eating out of their hands! It also helps that Andrea knows EVERYONE there and they're all really nice. Andrea has also started having me do some lifting with her which hurts like heck but I know will be worth it eventually.  I'm already starting to enjoy that feeling of accomplishment that comes from pushing through that last set and do something that would have seemed impossible to me just a few minutes before! My short term goals are to be able to run - at least one mile by my birthday in mid-August and a 5k by the end of the year (preferably the fall). I'd really love for next year to be my "year of the princess" when I can do all these fabulous races, but we shall see what happens. Either way, I know if I can keep this healthy habit I'll be yet another step closer to the whole, healthy, happy person I know I can be!

Let Your Light Shine

This summer, the theme for camps is "Light Up The Sky" so there was all kinds of fun stuff about light and fire and stars and candles everywhere. My "thing" is generally worship, which suits me. Even though my personal preference is not the "happy-clappy" style, there is a simple beauty to the innocence of summer camp worship that is always striking and moving and powerful to me. One of my jobs is working on the evening Vespers. My active, visible, role is kind of a comedic character that does a little bit of scientific teaching. I know it's hard to believe that I can pull off playing a nerd, but I do it quite well and have a blast with it. But underneath it all, there's still theology happening. It doesn't always come out in the way I might envision it, but it's always there and powerful and there are moments when I can see things clicking in these little heads.

My other big project for this summer was working on the communion service, in particular doing the altar. I had the freedom to just kind of take off and run with all these ideas and materials that I had and it was amazing. I spent the majority of the day of the communion service locked away in the auditorium working on it. And while it doesn't seem like setting a table would be an all-day affair, it was more than simply doing a job. This was a holy moment for me. I turned on my favorite album of hymns being played on the piano (The Living Room Sessions by Chris Rice in case you're interested) and I was just praying as I went and as I worked. I could feel the Holy Spirit in that place in a way that I don't often feel it anymore. I could feel it working in me and through me and it was absolutely beyond words. When I had done everything I could do, I took a step back and was absolutely in awe of what had happened in that place.

I've thought about it before, but worship planning and design really and truly is something that suits me. This is a part of my light, and I'm so incredibly thankful for things like this that give me the chance to let it shine. I really do feel so incredibly fulfilled when I have the chance to be creative in that way. I don't know of other ways/places I could work this into my life, but I know that when the chance comes I'm not going to pass it up!

Rest and Vision

It's almost time for summer camp!! Who is excited? THIS GIRL!

I have had a complicated relationship with my beloved Camp Sumatanga throughout my life, particularly related to summer camping. It was an amazing place full of amazing people that I credit in large part for helping me become the person I am today. But I was a relatively late-comer to the camp world, not until I was a sophomore in high school. I dove in head first and soaked up everything I could, serving any way I could. But there was a part of me that always felt like I was an outsider. Even now, there is a group of folks that I generally went to camp with that get together regularly. I love them all and think of them all fondly, but I am not a part of their group. Yes, it still hurts. Yes, it will probably always hurt.

After I graduated from high school I decided it was time to take a step back from camp for a while. Something just didn't feel right about it anymore. It didn't fit the way it once had. I knew I was trying too hard to make myself squeeze into a place that I would never fit and it was better for everyone if I backed off. Life happened and I got busy and I stayed away for about 7 years. I still have a hard time wrapping my brain around the idea that not only could I be involved in something for seven years, I could be AWAY from being involved in something for seven years and have returned! My return was generally thanks to a wonderful saint named Allison who somehow never forgot about me and saw something in me and wanted me to be a part of her camping magic that she always works.

Coming back, everything suddenly fit. I had a place. I had people. I know that a part of that was my own personal growth that had taken place (and has continued to take place over the past several years). I felt like I was a part of something that mattered. I was able to connect - with God, with people, with myself. It really was a homecoming in the best sense of the word. 

I'm sure I've said it before but I'll say it again because it matters. The name "Sumatanga" means "a place of rest and vision." While you are working on summer camp, those concepts seem a bit elusive. But it is a kind of rest from the things and stress of the world and allowing yourself to simply be and take the things of the day as they come. The vision is definitely there, but it is something that you have to be open to seeing in fleeting glimpses. I definitely see moments where the Kingdom is right there in that place. I see moments where I know who I am and why I am doing what I'm doing. I even see hope and peace and joy and love and all these other amazing things that are so much harder to see in "real life" and thus reminding myself what it means to look for them. The REAL rest and often times the understanding of the vision comes later, but without this time and place couldn't come at all. Let me tell you, there is NOTHING like the sleep you get the night you come home and crash into your own bed after an amazing but exhausting week! 

I need the rest. I need the vision. I need the excitement and exhaustion and sunburn and chiggers and laughter and sweat and tears and hugs and everything else that comes with a week at camp. I need to be reminded of who I am and whose I am. And so I will joyfully return...