All Saints Sunday

For the past seven years, this has been a difficult day for me. For it was on this day seven years ago that my mother died. The specific date was November 5th, which will be on Tuesday this year. But for me, the day I remember is All Saints Sunday. My mom died right about 11am. Everyone was gathered around her bed and we had some sweet special moments there in that space and that moment. But when that moment was over, I had to get out of the house. I couldn't stand to be there when the people from the funeral home came to take her away. I knew I wasn't ready to watch that happen.  So I got dressed. I put on my jeans and my favorite pink sweater and my black ballet flats and I drove to church. My reasoning was that I wanted to tell some people in person that mom had died rather than calling them on the phone or having them hear it from someone else. By the time I got there it was about 11:30 so I knew the service was well underway. We never went to the late service, so I decided the best and easiest thing to do would be to slip into the balcony. I did, and just as I did, the portion of the service began when they were reading the names of all the saints of the church who had died in the last year. As each name was read a bell was rung and a candle was lit. I didn't hear any of those names. I just cried for my mom, who was now with the saints in glory. I couldn't help but think of the line "every time a bell rings an angel gets their wings" and thinking that perhaps, as these bells and all the others all over the world were ringing that maybe my mother was getting her wings. I knew that she was standing and walking without help, that she wasn't hurting or struggling to breathe. I knew that she was loving on her parents and brother and my twin sister and the baby she miscarried. I had all these beautiful comforting images, but still I cried.

 I didn't know what to expect as we prepared for church. I knew that, while still fairly liturgical, this is still a baptist church and I don't know how big a day All Saints Sunday is to them. I had also just returned home from another session of Academy, so all that is still being processed, so I knew that something was going to happen today but I didn't know what it was. All Saints wasn't the focal point of the service, but it was mentioned and there was a very lovely moment in which everyone was invited to share the names of the saints in their own lives. Since Jeff was sitting with the choir I was by myself but it was a very nice little moment to remember momma, daddy, and my twin as well as others. I don't know that I would call it a "healing" moment, but somehow it felt right.

It will be a few more years before November 5th falls on a Sunday again. I'm wondering if that will have a different impact on me. I'm not too worried. I know that there is grace to be found and shared in all these moments and I'm very blessed to be surrounded by what is indeed a great cloud of witnesses!

Remembering

I have been somewhat resistant to all the media attention surrounding remembering September 11, 2001. I understand that it's important, but it's been really hard. For one thing, I remember this every single year, often multiple times each year. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that my experiences that came as a result of all of that have helped make me the person I am today. In case you missed it last year, you can read an article I wrote about my experiences in New York in March 2002 called "Fear is Not the Only Force at Work in the World Today".

As I look back, I remember that day. I was a junior in high school. I even remember what I was wearing - a pale blue corduroy skirt, a burgundy and blue argyle sweater, and my knee high black boots. In the middle of my English class I was bored out of my mind, and heard someone walking down the hallway saying that a plane had flown into the World Trade Center in New York. My first reaction was "someone made a MAJOR miscalculation on that one!" By the time class got out, there was lots of talk about what had happened and was happening. I had just applied to go to New York on the citizenship trip the North Alabama Conference took every year. I had been looking forward to this trip since I was in about 8th grade and this was supposed to be my year to get to go, so I just kept asking in my head over and over "What about the trip?"

We had a break between classes, and lots of people went running for classrooms with TVs, but I went outside with my friends just like normal. It was a nice, sunny day with beautiful weather. I laughed at the jokes people were making, knowing deep in my gut that I wouldn't be laughing again for quite a while. I was right. By the end of the day, I was exhausted and numb. I had been through so many different emotions and I couldn't think about anything else.

Even now, when I think about all that happened in the days and weeks following, I remember my trip above everything else. Because that is what made it real for me. The eerie silence as we neared the hole in the ground that was once the sight of two enormous buildings. The sight of the Burger King that was all boarded up. The make-shift memorials all over the place. It was and continues to be overwhelming.

This year, I was introduced to a new book with a different perspective on some of the aftermath. So if you're looking for a good read, I highly recommend The Faith Club. It WILL make you think, but it's great. As we continue to look back, let's not forget to also look forward at the days of hope to come!

Ham and Potato Casserole

This is something we didn't have super-often when I was growing up, but I definitely associate it with childhood (or the alternate version - ham and macaroni!) Unfortunately, my mom never made it like this and for the life of me I can't figure out why because it's so stinking easy!

Essentially, I take my recipe for hashbrown casserole and add some diced ham to it (and I retract my earlier statement about the shape of the hashbrowns not mattering. The shredded ones work so much better!) The one major adjustment I made this time was that instead of the cheddar cheese soup, I used a container of Philadelphia Cooking Creme. I've actually really enjoyed this stuff and it worked great in this casserole. I highly recommend it! I also cut the sour cream down to 8 oz, and it was fine.

Even on his current low-carb kick, Jeff couldn't resist a little bowl of this stuff. It's just that kind of fabulous comfort food! If you try it, let me know what you think.

Friday Five - Christmases Past

Today's Friday Five invites us to share five holiday memories we have, so here goes!

My first bike - I was five years old and it was the only year we didn't go to my grandparents' house in Montgomery (because I was getting the bike!) so everyone came to see us! It was really great. That was also the year I got my Angelina Ballerina books and I think I spent more of that Christmas morning with the books than the bike!

The Nutcracker - I loved ballet as a little girl but I only ever got to go see the Nutcracker once. I guess I was about eight when I finally got to go with my mom, my best friend Tyler, and her mom. It was so much fun and I still would love to go see it again sometime!

December 21, 2007 - Jeff and I met on Dec. 26, 2006, so Christmas 2007 was our first together, even though we had been together practically one whole year. He arranged a secret date for me that night so we could celebrate together. We opened presents together, went to a lovely dinner, and went to see the Christmas lights at the zoo. Then he took me up to Vulcan over-looking the city (and where we'd gone on our first date) and he proposed to me with a beautiful Christmas ornament!

Christmas Eve Pizza - My mom always had to work on Christmas Eve, so after we went to the early service at church, we stopped and got pizza on the way home to have for dinner. Then we'd all sit around and watch the Christmas Story marathon on TV!

Christmas lights - I love driving around looking at Christmas lights. Whether it was seeing how many members of the extended family we could cram into our mini-van when I was younger or simply having a "date" night with Jeff, I love them more and more every year!

Moving On

Thursday and Friday Jeff and I went up to Cullman to finish cleaning out the shed at the house. The house itself has been empty for a while, but we still had things in that shed that had to be removed. They finally sorted through all of the red tape and a closing date has been set for next Wednesday.

On some level I am relieved to finally have some closure to all of this. But it also hurts like heck. Don't get me wrong, I love having my own home and really have no desire to spend the rest of my life in Cullman. And even though I haven't lived there for over a year now, on some level that has been "home" for the past 17 years. I have moved from houses before, but I was young enough that it didn't affect me in the same way. I guess the accumulation of 17 years worth of memories makes it harder to let go of the brick and mortar. I know that no matter what, the memories will go with me. And having little pieces of that house in my own home now will help with that transition. But it's still hard.

One unexpected blessing in the whole experience was the fact that John came home and was able to help. It was nice to get to share memories as we went through things, and it was nice to have the extra set of hands and the extra truck! Even with three of us working pretty darn hard, it took about 7 hours to get it all done. It was a lot of stuff. It took two truck-loads to various dumpsters around town, and about two truck loads to be donated. We kept about 5 boxes to be stored with my dad and Catherine. And Jeff and I took back enough stuff to make Jeff roll his eyes and fill up the back of his truck. That's it.

After we finished loading everything up, I did one last walk-through of the house before we locked the doors. I didn't cry, which was surprising, but it was kind of sad. I think what really hit me harder was coming into town on Thursday and turning in town instead of continuing down the highway toward the old house. It's strange to know that I won't be back. But now I am moving on.

Fear is Not the Only Force at Work in the World Today

This is an article I first wrote for my high school paper after I returned from a citizenship trip to New York City in March of 2002. As I reflect on today day, this article continues to be one of the best representations of my thoughts, emotions, and experiences.

"Sandy, get up. Jessica is out of the shower so itís your turn for the bathroom." Those were the first cheerfully spoken words I heard on Saturday, March 23rd. About twenty minutes later, as I debated whether or not it was cold enough to wear my leopard print hat, it finally hit me that I was actually in New York City. It was my first day to really be able to see the city. I was very excited to be fulfilling this dream not only for myself but also for my family. Our first stop that morning was to be Ground Zero. Everyone was in a very excited mood, mostly caused by an almost dangerous combination of sugar and adrenaline, but as soon as I saw Donny's face as we boarded the subway, my stomach dropped, and I knew it had nothing to do with the chocolate doughnut I had eaten for breakfast. Donny's uncle was in one of the towers when it collapsed, and the few of us in the group who knew this fact weren't in much of a joking mood during the subway ride downtown.

The streets were eerily silent as we walked down Wall Street. We passed several memorials along fences, and as touching as they were, I couldn't make myself look at them for more than a few moments at a time. Just as we neared a corner I heard myself gasp. Directly across the street from us was a Burger King that had been boarded up and signs spray painted on the boards and windows read "NYPD Temporary HQ" in bright orange letters. It was obvious that this makeshift office hadnít been used in months, but no one had made any effort to remove the signs. We walked slowly up to a fence just a few feet away from the rescue workers. The first thing I noticed was the iron cross, the only thing standing more than head height above the pile of nothing that was once two of the largest buildings in the world. The next thing to capture my attention was a line of at least five ambulances. As our group stopped to stare with morbid fascination at the pile of rubble, one of the ambulances pulled away with its lights and sirens on. Any semblance of composure I had managed to maintain until that point was driven away with that ambulance as its siren pierced the silence.

As the tears rolled down my cheeks, I remembered a promise I had made to my cousin Mike a few weeks earlier. I told him I would say a prayer for everyone at Ground Zero, but as hard as I tried, I couldn't make the words come. All I could do was weep. As millions of thoughts raced through my mind I began to realize that my tears of sorrow were turning to tears of joy. I knew at that moment my way of thinking would never be the same and there was no way I would be able to return home the same person I left as. Suddenly the words of my prayer flooded my mind. I took a deep breath, wiped my tears, closed my eyes, bowed my head, and began to pray quietly. "Lord, I know there was a reason for this great tragedy. Please be with everyone that has been affected by this, even in the most remote way. Thank you for this amazing opportunity for growth, not only for me, but also for the world. Amen." As I lifted my eyes I saw a sign hanging on the building across the street. There was a picture of two hands clasped in prayer and the words "Fear is not the only force at work in the world today" printed boldly across the bottom for all the world to see. "You know," I thought to myself, "they're right." I took one final look at the cross and walked away with a smile.

Friday Five - Dorm Life

Today's Friday Five is a lot of fun to me. As much as I love the freedom of owning my own home, I do miss my days in the dorm. I had great room/suite mates and we had a lot of fun together. The "back to school" season was harder on me than I thought it would be this year and I was exceptionally jealous of all those who were buying these exciting new things in fun, bright colors. My dorm room was done in varying shades of purple so I had a good time trying to find purple stuff in the midst of all the bright pink, green, blue, and black. I was good and resisted the urge to buy all kinds of organizational goodies, but it was fun to reminisce.

What was the hardest thing to leave behind when you went away to school for the first time? - I really don't know that I had a hard time leaving anything. I was so excited about going and I knew I was only an hour away from home so nothing seemed impossible to access.

We live in the age of helicopter parents. How much fuss did your parents make when you first left home? - Not as much of a fuss as I think they (and I) had anticipated. My brother had gone away to boarding school the year before and I think it threw everyone for a loop to have the baby move away before the older one. Then, my mom was having health problems and had been in the hospital the week before I moved and she was unable to physically help me move in. She came to visit later because she insisted on seeing my room for herself, but overall it wasn't as big a deal as I expected. I think they had a harder time once I was actually gone!

Share a favorite memory of living with schoolmates, whether in a dorm or other shared housing. - Christmas the year I lived on the 7th floor of Bruno with Sarah, Sarah, Shelley. I decorated over Thanksgiving so we had a tree and lights and garland and stockings and all kinds of stuff all over the place. We had our very own little "family" Christmas during exams and opened presents and acted completely goofy and it was wonderful!

What absolute necessity of college life in your day would seem hilariously out-of-date now? - It was only 7 years ago that I first went away to school, so I don't know if that much is different. I guess the closest thing to "out of date" that I had was a land line phone!

What innovation of today do you wish had been a part of your life in college? - Wireless internet and laptops in class. I had them for my M. Div but not at Birmingham-Southern and they would have made life SO much easier!

One year ago today...

I was up at the crack of dawn. I was tired, but I was afraid of oversleeping so I went ahead and got up. I also wanted to make sure I was out of the shower before everyone else got up. I had stayed up way too late trying to get the thank you notes written for the gifts we received at the rehearsal dinner. As soon as I got out of the shower, I put them in the mailbox.

My hair and nail appointments started at 8. People were stirring and I was seeing family here and there. It was exciting. I could tell everyone was excited for me and I had a lot of fun. I was asking what Jeff was doing and he went touring town! I couldn't believe it. I'm glad he got that time with his family though.

I got to the church early and there were boy scouts selling what smelled like smoked meat of some sort. They saw me unloading lots of stuff and would run over and take turns holding the door for me, which was sweet. Finally one of them saw me with my dress and veil and asked "Is someone getting married today?" I don't think I stopped smiling after that and said "Yeah, me at 2pm. Y'all can come if you want!" I think that moment made it all real. I was running around a little crazy dealing with the little details at the reception. Now I can hardly remember what I was obsessing over!

We got my makeup done and I was just a bundle of energy and excitement. My wonderful bridesmaids actually put me in a time out! They made me just sit in a corner for a while and stop pacing to just think and enjoy the moment. After my required 5 minutes I think I was up pacing again, I just couldn't hold still! It felt like it took forever to get my dress all laced and tied. Normally I'm really self-conscious, especially about people watching me get dressed, but I think I had an audience of almost a dozen (including the three people it took to lower the dress over my head and two photographers documenting the whole thing!) and I could not have cared less!

Pictures were nice, but the hour between pictures and the ceremony was the longest of my life. I knew Jeff was upstairs and I was just dying to be with him and see him!

The ceremony was great. It seemed to go pretty quickly, but my feet were hurting by the time it was over because I had to stand perfectly still or else my dress would make noise!

The reception was nice and I enjoyed seeing everyone, but by that point I was DYING to sit down and have something to drink. I didn't care as much about eating, but I was SO thirsty! That dress weighed a ton and it was HOT! I think I had three layers on and it was 90 degrees outside! Sadly, sitting and drinking wasn't an option. Jeff and I did get some quiet, alone time when we took our pictures outside. Those ended up being my favorite pictures and my favorite part of the day.

After the reception I didn't think we'd ever get to leave, but was so glad when we finally did! We went back to the Brentwood house and I was able to FINALLY go to the bathroom and get a sprite. Jeff took some of the junk off the car. I said hi to the family and then we took off.

Before we could head to Birmingham, we had to stop at Auto Zone (just married sign and all!) so Jeff could replace a tail light. Checking into the hotel was such a relief because we could FINALLY eat and relax. We went to dinner at ICON, the restaurant in the Tutwiler (which is called something else now). I had a really great steak. I don't remember what Jeff had. It was all good.

And at the end of the day, I was Mrs. Herren!

The Frog Song

In elementary school, my music teacher taught us this very cute little song about a frog who wanted to be an alligator. I loved it. And everyone I knew loved it. But I haven't thought about it in at least five years. I really can't remember when the last time I thought about it was, much less heard it or sang it.

And yesterday morning, I woke up and my first thought was "Why can't I be an alligator?" which is the first part of the chorus. And I've been singing/humming it ever since! 

I put it on my facebook status this morning and it's amazing the comments I've gotten! It has been so much fun to remember this withe everyone. And you can't help but smile when you hear it.

So you need to go listen to The Frog Song. It will make your day, I promise!