Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Gray Matters

It is an amazing and powerful thing when all of creation seems to mimic and magnify our thoughts and feelings. But with power, comes danger. I experience a lot of this a little more closely than I would like on gray and gloomy days. The truth is, I often experience lots of uncomfortable thoughts and emotions on these days. Just as when images are magnified they are brought into sharper, clearer focus so are emotions and memories and experiences.

Too often I try to shy away from the gray and gloomy parts of my self. I try to only show and share the bright and sunny parts. But the truth is, there are lots of gray, gloomy, rainy parts of my heart and soul and spirit. And just like the beauty of flowers and trees need the rain and darkness just as much as they need the warmth and sun, my spirit needs the gray parts too.

I've been struggling with lots of things for lots of months. For the most part life is grand and glorious. But there are some things that are not so grand and glorious. Many of you know that my dad has had cancer for several years and he has recently started to decline pretty steadily. I know what is happening. I know what is coming. But I still don't like it. I don't like where we are, I don't like where we're going, and I don't like the space between here and there. I'm not really crazy about the space on the other side of "there" either.

I am determined, in this time, to not be my dad's chaplain. To not be his pastor. To not be his caregiver at all. I will simply be his daughter. But I'm not really sure what that will look like for either of us. And I'm afraid it may be too late when I figure it out. But that doesn't mean I'm not going to try.

And if the gray start to becomes too dark, I have lots of wonderful lights in my life to help make it a little less scary!


  1. Thank you for sharing this. I knew your dad was having problems, only from when Joey talked to Jeff last week, but I had no idea the extent. I am sorry, I am praying for you guys. I think it is a good thing that you have resigned yourself to be your dad's daughter, and have kinda given the other responsibilities to others. You need to be their for him as a daughter. If you guys need anything, please let us know. If you need to escape, let me know! There is a store in Trussville I've been wanting to check out, it's Yarns Downtown, you can go and just sit and knit and crochet, we could do that! Take care!

  2. I've been thinking about you and your dad and the rest of your family. I love you and I'm sorry that you are having to go through this again. You are one of the most resilient people I know and such a strong caregiver. I'm proud of you for not trying to "do" everything right now and for being comfortable "just being" with your dad. That takes a lot of strength. I know I'm always on the run, but please know you can call me whenever you need to talk or vent or cry or whatever. all my love- l