Tough Stuff

CPE has officially entered the "tough stuff" phase. I am eternally grateful that our group had some time to "live into" what it would mean to share this space and this role for the next year. That we were able to take some time to build relationships and build trust before being thrust into some of these very difficult situations. I feel a special, although different, connection with each person and it has been helpful in understanding myself and my group.

But now that the introduction is over, the tough stuff has arrived. And some folks are having a harder time than others. I am having a really hard time with getting attached. I haven't had quite the same issues I had in the past with establishing my role or building relationships with people, which has been a little bit surprising. On the one hand it has been great that, not only can I see myself as a chaplain without any strings attached, but that others can see me and accept me in that role. But that has also been a painful thing to have happen. Because, although losing any patient is difficult, losing one with whom you have a relationship can be especially hard.

I never thought I would enjoy working in an emergency room or in a unit that is constantly in and out like surgery. I always thought that the constant in and out, the stacks of initial visits with very few follow-ups would be frustrating. And I'm sure it is. But I feel that there is a certain amount of safe distance that is automatic in some of these settings. I know that everything I am facing is helping me to learn and to grow. And it really is very good learning and growing that is happening. But it still stinking hurts!

I still love working with children and families. I still feel a special connection to pediatrics and want to learn, grow, and explore in that area. But I'm not sure if cardiology is what I want to do. At the same time, I hear all my peers expressing similar frustrations with their units, and I'm not sure what would be better! Maybe it's simply the newness of it all. I know there isn't a perfect situation that will be without difficulties and frustrations, but it still makes it hard when we are trying to figure out where/how we want our careers to go/grow!