Wrestling

I have been thinking about a lot of things lately. Playing with the concepts in my head. Wrestling with the meanings in my life. Shuffling the words like a deck of cards. And I have come away with more questions than answers. With new ideas, but no place to put them. New concepts, but not terms for them. Instead of making up my own words, I'm making up realities for myself (or at the very least, possibilities).

That's what makes this hard. I think well by talking or writing through something. But right now, I simply don't have the words for this. Explanations fall short. Dancing around the edges leaves the center lacking. When I can get right on top of it, something else gets covered and possibly forgotten. The edges are rough and things are still curing and processing and developing.

It's becoming easier to draw a series of pictures or put together some sort of visual response to all of these things. The computer isn't my safe place anymore. The keyboard isn't my release valve. I've always been "the human dictionary" or "the talking encyclopedia", so for me to not have the image and the definition and the explanation is really tough.

In spite of all this, there is one thing that I have found myself using that I had almost forgotten about. I'm singing again! I don't sing well and I am not crazy about doing it in front of folks, but in the car I am rocking out. I am belting with everything I have. And it feels so good! Not just mentally or emotionally, but physically too. Stretching muscles I had forgotten to stretch and use to their fullest potential.

The absence of my own words has made me re-learn how to express myself in different ways. I've started being "crafty" again. I am knitting a scarf and have plans for at least three hats. I made a journal and have a few ideas for what I would like to put in it.

Maybe I should have taken up wrestling a long time ago...